Carousel
by Lilly Monroe
Summary: They never asked for this, never wanted any of it. It all started with a game. A twisted game that'd make two addicts each other's worst addiction. They both knew what it was like to be broken, but never would admit that they understood. AH/OOC
1. Crawling

**This story was originally a Jasper/OC story but, the more I thought about it, the more I started to fall in love with the idea of a highly OOC Bella. Thus, here is the reposted, reworked version of this story. **

**There'll be a lot of angst and drama in this story and rather quickly, things are going to become a bit twisted between the characters. **

**I do not own the fabulous characters, that honor belongs to Stephenie Meyer; I'm just taking them, and having my way. Enjoy! **

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****Chapter One: Crawling**

**There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface  
Consuming, confusing  
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending  
Controlling, I can't seem**

**To find myself again  
My walls are closing in**

**without a sense of confidence and**

**I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take  
I've felt this way before  
So insecure**

**Jasper**

I never asked for this; never wanted this.

Let's get a few things cleared up shall we?

Am I addict? Yes.

Can I stop at anytime? You bet your ass I can.

Do I want to stop? Hell fucking no.

In my eyes, there is really nothing wrong me. Then again, that is a typical addict thing for someone to say.

For the past three years, I have been living this life. A life that doesn't reflect at all what it used to be. I used to be the guy that people could depend on, count on for anything and everything. I went to school, got good grades and made the parents proud. But, somewhere along the way, things got really screwed up.

Like most kids my age, when I hit fourteen, I started to hang around a different crowd. A crowd that, in order to belong to, you had to what they said when they said so. And this particular crowd I fell a part of turned me on to things I never thought I'd ever be doing.

At first, it was little things. I wasn't high all the time, usually on the weekends. But, as time went on, I found myself needing more of it and soon, it was almost a daily thing. Not only was I doing drugs but I also drank, sometimes at the same time.

Why did I start? I'm not really sure. I mean after all, I was Jasper Hale. The perfect son of Sarah and James Hale. They were wealthy people who had worked their way to the top. They gave me and my twin sister Rosalie the best life they could possibly give us. Anything we wanted, it was ours. We were brought up to treat people with respect and kindness. Yet somewhere along the way, I got swept up in the Los Angeles 'scene.' I became a shadow of my former self. I became violent, short tempered with anyone who crossed me when I wasn't high.

Soon enough, I found myself becoming dependent on more than just drugs. I started turning towards prescription pills and soon that became my drug of choice. Because with pills, it was easy. There were no needle marks for evidence. With pills, I could carry them around with me and not have people ask questions if they accidentally fell out. If the same were to happen with a needle, there'd be no to weasel myself out of that.

I spent ten months sneaking around, taking pills from my parents and even my friends. Whatever they had in their medicine cabinets was gold to me. But, they started to get a bit suspicious after awhile so I had to come up with a new plan. And that's when it dawned on me. I would go to a doctor's office far away from where we lived, away from any possibility of running into anybody who knew me.

Living in Los Angeles, it wasn't difficult to get a fake ID and use it when I went to the doctor. My plan was full proof. And up until six months ago, it had gone off without a hitch.

But then, the shit hit the fan….in the most horrible way possible.

It was January when it happened. School was still out for Christmas break and my parents were out at some social gathering, leaving just me and Rosalie at home. So, when the call came from some friends that there was a party not too far from where we lived, I knew we had to go. A guy I knew was supposed to be there. You know, the one who always carried the good shit with him? And I was due for a good fix.

I spent a good twenty minutes arguing with Rosalie, telling her that she couldn't come with me. I didn't want her getting involved with those low lives I hung out with. But, when she practically threatened to tell our parents where I was going, I had no other choice. My sister wasn't stupid, she knew what I was into to and yet, she never said anything about it. She was never one to judge people and I was no exception. When it came down to it, Rosalie was the only person who I really trusted with my secrets. She knew about the drugs, the pills, my constant leaving to get more. She knew all this and yet, she never tried to force me to stop or told anyone.

She was my sister and I loved her.

Which is why when it happened, I felt like most selfish mother fucker that ever lived.

It was never supposed to happen. We were just supposed to go in and out, get the drugs and leave. Rosalie knew why we were going, I didn't hide that fact from her. And yet, she still came along, claiming she just wanted to keep an eye on me.

But, things never work out the way we want them to right? By the time we got to the party, that guy was already there and he was waiting for me. He had just been expecting me so when he saw my sister trailing shyly behind me, he was livid, claiming that I was trying to expose him by bringing her in. I tried to convince him that she was trustworthy, that she would never say anything about this to anyone. But, he didn't believe me. The fucker had some major trust issues. And, at that very moment, he felt betrayed. He told me that the only way he'd give what I wanted was if Rosalie tried some shit.

I remember clear as day her innocent eyes widening in horror when she heard him. I told him there was no fucking way he was going to inject my sister with something.

"You want the goods? All you have to do is give her a taste. That's all."

When I still refused, he just laughed at me; a bitter, wicked laugh. And that's when he did it. I felt myself being pulled away from Rosalie, held tightly by two guys who were ten times stronger than I was; we never stood a chance.

Rosalie never had time to think about running. That bastard grabbed her, pinning her down on the floor, reaching over with his free hand to grab one of the syringes filled with God only knows what. She only had a few seconds to look at me, fear flying off of her before he plunged the needle right into her arm. She didn't scream, she didn't thrash around the floor, she just whimpered. Small little noises flowed from her lips as the drug took over her body.

And me, all I could do was watch helplessly as it took the opposite effect on her. All this time, I thought drugs were supposed to make you feel better, take away reality for just a little while. But, seeing my sister on the floor, her movements becoming less and less with each passing second, I knew I had been wrong.

By the time they finally let me go, there was nothing I could do. Shock and realization crossed all their faces when I grabbed her in my arms and she didn't move at all. Her body was completely lifeless and cold.

Before they ran out of the room, a bag with white powder hit my shoe but it was the last thing on my mind. Tears stung my eyes as I called our parents. Telling them what had happened wasn't the hard part. Telling them _why _we were there just about killed them. Because they hadn't been expecting to hear that their kids were at some party; some party where their son was looking for the man who helped support his drug habit. The news of one kid being on drugs while the other had just died from an accidental overdose was too much for them. For almost two months, my mother refused to look at me without falling apart. My father didn't say much to me either. We all just sort of secluded ourselves from one another.

Three months after my sister died, I met up with that guy again. We didn't talk about that night, we were just there for business. I paid and he gave me what I wanted. That was the night I started using heavily again and I didn't care who knew. I went home that night, more strung out than I had ever been. I lashed out my parents, saying it was their fault that Rosalie was dead and that I was a fucking addict. I knew it killed them and I knew it was lie. My parents had done everything right in raising us. I was the one who was the screw up of the family. I was too far in deep to stop.

The very drugs that killed my sister soon became the only thing that kept me sane.

And that's when my parents decided enough was enough. When they found me passed out on our front porch, they knew it was time to intervene. They wanted to put me in some drug rehab program but, at the last minute, they changed their mind. To them, the problem would still be there if I stayed in Los Angeles. They eventually decided that the only way for me to get better was for them to send me away. Send me far away from here. And there was only one place they would send me; they were sending me to Monterey to live with my aunt Esme. They were sending me away in hopes of breaking the habit as it were.

And now here I was, about to get off a plane to meet my aunt and go live with her and her new husband. Her husband who just so happens to be a doctor. I knew it would be even harder now to try and sneak around with pills and drugs with him around. Because doctors could smell that shit a mile away. And from what I heard, Carlisle Cullen wasn't a stupid man.

Before the plan began to descend, I had quickly used the bathroom, popping a few pills so I could be ready for everything that was about to happen. By the time I saw her, I wasn't even fully aware of half of the things around me.

"Jasper, sweetheart there you are!" my aunt's greeting was warm as always as she embraced me.

"Hey, Esme." I managed to get out without sounding as if I was high. She pulled away, studied my face for a few moments before touching my cheek gently.

"It's going to be okay, Jasper. We're going to help you." her words sounded so true and genuine that I almost believed her for a second.

"Who's we?" I shrugged out of her embrace and grabbed my suitcases.

"Me and your uncle Carlisle of course." she rambled on as we got to the car. I looked at her oddly once we were both inside. My aunt had the tendency to ramble when she was nervous.

"And where is that husband of yours?"

"Oh, well he should be on his way back home too. He had to go to San Francisco to pick up Bella."

"Who the fuck is Bella?" I ran down the list of my family members (which weren't very many by the way) and no Bella was coming to mind.

"She's Carlisle's niece. She's also going to be staying with us." she sighed, keeping her eyes locked on the road as we drove.

"Why is she staying with you?"

"Her mother died two months ago and she well, she hasn't been having the easiest time dealing with things."

She didn't go into any more detail and I knew that was a bad sign. My aunt always hated getting into other people's business, especially when things were complicated. And from the look on her face, this Bella chick was probably more fucked up than I was. Which, both irritated and intrigued me. Bad enough I would have to deal with my aunt and her husband but now I was going to have to live in the same house as another screw up?

Silence fell over the car for the rest of the drive to their massive home. It never ceased to amaze me how fucking big this house was. I had visited a few times since they had moved in here and I never understood why two people would need so many rooms.

We pulled into the driveway just as another car showed up as well.

"Oh, well look at that. Looks like we've all arrived at the same time.."

"Great." I muttered, getting out of the car and following my aunt as she walked towards the other vehicle.

I watched the doors open, followed by a pair of soft, creamy legs and then I saw the rest of her.

_Oh, fuck me._

How in the hell was I supposed to handle living under the same roof as _her?_

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_**I'm so excited for this story. Next up, Bella and of course, more drama! **

**Thoughts? Questions?  
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**Oh, there's a link to a playlist on my profile, with the songs from each chapter so feel free to take a listen!**


	2. Don't Stay

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, put this story on their alert and favorite list, it truly means a lot to me! **

**On to the chapter, enjoy. **

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**Chapter 2: Don't Stay**

**Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe  
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me  
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn't know  
Somehow I need you to go**

**Jasper**

You know those fucking moments in movies where a guy sees a girl and they 'instantly' fall in love with one another? Well, this was definitely not one of those moments.

No, the moment I saw her getting out of the car, I knew I was fucked.

It was the end of May, almost summer, but the weather was still a bit cold for the shit she was wearing. Clad in a pair of jean shorts and white long sleeve shirt, there wasn't much that this girl left to the imagination.

I kept my eyes locked on her as she stood there, looking everywhere but in my direction as Carlisle got her luggage out of the car.

Soon enough, the four of us were awkwardly standing between the two cars, waiting for someone to just get it all over with.

"It's been far too long Bella." My aunt, not surprisingly, initiated conversation as she stepped in towards Bella, embracing her tightly and offering her warm welcomes. "I'm so glad that you're here, finally." When Esme pulled away, it was quite infuriating to see that she had tears glistening in her eyes.

Oh, what the fuck? Why was she crying over this girl? I knew my aunt had a big heart but why was this girl so special? No, more importantly, what the hell was wrong with her that she was being forced to live here as well?

"It's uh…good to see you too Esme." She replied, pulling away from her, an odd expression on her face. Well, I guess that would explain it somewhat. Esme knew this Bella girl apparently. I, on the other hand had never heard a thing about her. And now here we were, about to live under the same roof.

"Jasper, come meet Bella." My aunt waved me over; fucking perfect. Stepping closer to her, I was able to take more in of her. Her lips were full, with a slight hint of pink. Her hair was dark brown and it flowed around her, stopping just right over the area where I needed not be staring at. But, what got me were those eyes.

They were brown; but not your typical boring ass brown. No, they were almost hypnotic, wide and fucking beautiful.

"Bella, this is my nephew Jasper. Jasper, this is Bella."

Her eyes indiscreetly took me in before eventually meeting my gaze. With her face emotionless, she just crossed her arms across her chest, causing my eyes to momentarily drop to that area once again.

"Hey" that was all she said before turning towards her uncle "Can I see my room now? Or are there more surprise guest I'm supposed to meet?" her tone was bored, with a hint of irritation.

Who the hell did this girl think she was? She didn't even know me and yet here she stood, clearly thinking of me as some sort of annoyance. This girl had no idea.

_Calm down Jasper. Breathe man, she's just a fucking chick, she's nothing. _

Easier said than done.

"Yes. Come on Bella." Carlisle took her suitcase as she silently followed him into the house.

"What the fuck is her problem?" I grabbed my bags, saying it loud enough so that I knew she would hear me. But, she didn't turn to look at me but I sure as hell was looking at her. How could I not? The way she was fucking swaying those hips, she was just asking for it. If I didn't know better, I'd say that was an open invitation to meet her upstairs. But, with my aunt standing there, I knew that now wouldn't be the best time to be caught up in some sort of twisted fantasy.

"Don't worry about her Jasper; I'm sure she'll warm up to you eventually." I gave Esme a knowing look. A look that she just brushed off "Come on, let's get you inside and to your room." She changed the subject as the two of us walked into the large house, walking up the stairs and down hall. As we walked, I passed by what was clearly Bella's room and quickly saw that she was standing there, moving he hands about as she talked to her uncle.

"I didn't really know what kind of room you wanted, so there's just a bed and dresser for now. We can get you whatever else you want or need. Is that alright honey?"

"You already took me in, that's more than anyone could ask for. I don't need much, just a place to be alone."

"Nonsense Jasper" she frowned "You're family after all."

"I guess, whatever." I didn't really feel like talking about family right now. Not when the only family member I cared about was dead, no thanks to me.

"I'll let you get settled and be back to check on you later."

I thought about telling her off. I wasn't five for Christ sakes but, I held my tongue and just nodded. It was good enough for her because she left a few seconds later. Once she was gone, my first stop was the bathroom, making sure I had a place to stash my pills. I took two more before venturing out down the hall, towards where Bella's room was. Her door was wide open so I walked right in, spotting her instantly outside on the roof.

Approaching the window, I saw that she had her knees pulled up to her chest with her head tilted back and a cigarette in her hand. Her eyes were closed and her lips were slightly parted. She would've looked utterly relaxed had she not been trembling slightly.

But fuck, even staring at her was enough to make me hard. I knew better and maybe it was the pills but for a few moments, I allowed myself to get lost in a fantasy of her. Those brown eyes clouded with lust as she ran those hands through my hair, pulling it hard to bring me down closer to her. Her body, pressed up against mine, letting me feel every curve. Dropping my hands to her waist, sliding down her…

"What the fuck?" I reluctantly pulled myself out of the fantasy to find Bella staring right back at me, one of her legs over the window sill as she tried to climb back in. I stumbled back a bit, hoping to god that she didn't notice anything. "What are you doing in here?"

"I think you owe me something." I got my head back on straight as much as possible so that I could focus. Shit, what was this girl doing to me?

"Like hell I do. I don't know you." She got her other leg inside the window and stood before me. She was a lot shorter than I was, forcing me to look down at her.

"You weren't very cordial outside."

"And?" she crossed her arms across her chest, attitude passing through those pouty lips "Like I said, I don't know you."

"Well" I began to invade her space again "That could all change sweetheart."

"Fuck you." She moved away.

"Oh, with pleasure honey." I didn't know what the hell I was doing but some part of me was enjoying the fact that I was annoying her.

"Please" she scoffed, opening her mouth to say something but suddenly closing it as she started at me. Without either of us realizing it, she had walked back closer to me, her eyes fixated on my own.

_Shit. _

"Are you high?" she asked, both amusement and worry in her voice. Yes, that's right. Fucking worry.

"No" I looked away from her.

"Liar. Oh, this is perfect." She laughed darkly.

"What?"

"I knew it! You're a bigger fuck up than me." she seemed to be happy by this bit of knowledge.

"And you're proud of the fact that you're a screw up?"

"There's no denying it so why not? Not like I need to impress anyone."

"Careful what you wish for" I reached out, the back of my hand brushing her cheek "You might just change your mind."

"Get your hands off of me." she whispered, pushing me away.

"You know, I've always wondered would it'd be like to fuck a feisty girl like you."

"Well, keep on dreaming asshole…it ain't going to happen. Try your luck with some other girl."

"Why would I do that? Not when I have you in the same house…"

"Jasper" she smiled, almost too sweetly "Get the hell out of my room. I don't have time to waste with a drug addict."

"Too busy dealing with your own addictions?" I was blunt with her just as she had been with me. She was taken aback for a few seconds, like I had just slapped her in the face. It was a look I knew too well. A look that meant that I was right; I had seen right through her. How could I not? It took one to know one. And Bella was a classic addict, it was written clear as day on her face. Well, at least to me, it was pretty obvious. She was thin, gaunt and looked nervous as hell, her eyes darting all over the place as she watched me.

"How do you…" she began, shock written all across her face "No, just…get out" her voice was softer now, almost like she was in pain or hurting. I fought back both urges to laugh and hug her.

"Fine, whatever you want." I backed up out of the room, hands held up in mock surrender. Once I was out, she slammed the door in my face, leaving me alone back in the hallway. Retreating back to my own room, I was starting to feel the effects of all the pills I had taken today. Practically stumbling into the bathroom, I turned the shower on. I had a problem and it needed to be taken care of right away. Undressing quickly, I didn't even wait for the water to be warm enough before I stepped in.

Because fuck me I was so hard. Bracing one of my hands against the wall, the other one dropped and I soon began stroking myself almost fervently. It was insane. In a matter of five minutes, that girl had gotten me so worked up like never before.

Release wasn't coming as quickly as I needed it so I squeezed my eyes shut, losing myself in yet another Bella fantasy. In those barely there shorts, I would, without thought or hesitation, slam her against the wall in the hallway. I wouldn't have to say anything, she would just know and she would instantly drop to her knees, undoing my jeans, pulling them down along with my boxers. And then so help me god, those full lips of hers would take me, every inch. And she would take me like a pro, her big brown eyes watching me as she sucked, licked and did all kinds of wonders with her mouth.

"Oh shit!" I slammed the wall with my hand as that last image of Bella being just what I needed to take me over the edge. I came hard; so hard that I felt myself shaking a bit when it was all over.

The release was sweet; I hadn't had one like that in a very long time.

"Oh, that bitch." I seethed as I stepped out of the shower. If she could make me jerk off like that with just images of her, how the fuck was I going to handle living in the same house as her? Even worse, she didn't want anything to do with me. Which, that just made things even more exciting. Exciting and irritating.

I had only known her for less than two hours and I already hated this girl. I hated her because she was a huge fuck up too. Hated her because she was here. But most of all, I hated her because she had just made me have one of the most intense jacking off sessions in a very long time and she hadn't even laid a hand on me.

Such a fucking Lolita.

Well, this girl had no idea who she was messing with. Taking some more pills, I got dressed and went to lie on bed, thinking of ways of driving Bella insane.

Because, two could play this game. And if I was going down, then she sure as hell was coming with me.

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**Jasper & Bella have officially met. Though, it's not really what one would call your 'typical' first meeting. But, these two are anything but typical or normal for that matter. **

**Hope you enjoyed it. We're getting some Bella POV next chapter....oh, and I have some ideas already but, if anyone has any ideas as to how they'd like to see these two drive each other insane with their games, let me know!**

**Also, if anyone is interested, there is another story I'm working on right now called "Take A Bow" and while it's a rather dark and depressing, I'd love for you all to take a look!**


	3. By Myself

**A/N: Your guys' reaction to this story is way beyond what I expected and I couldn't be happier! I'm so glad you're all taking to my Jasper and Bella. As promised, here's some Bella POV. As a fair warning, Bella's addiction, though not uncommon among a lot of people, is still somewhat of a touchy subject for some people. So, just letting you know. This will be just a touch of what she does.  
**

**As always, I don't own these fabulous characters I'm just giving them a more twisted lifestyle. **

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**Chapter 3: By Myself**

**  
If I turn my back I'm defenseless  
And to go blindly seems senseless  
If I hide my pride and let it all go on  
Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone  
If I let them go I'll be outdone  
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun  
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer  
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer**

**Bella**

Staring at the closed bedroom door, I thought back to what had just happened. Just who the hell did this guy think he was?? What right did he think he had to just barge into my bedroom and start parading around like he owned the place! I hadn't even known him for two hours and I already hated this asshole. Not in a long time had I been treated like some random slab of meat. God the way he was staring at me when I got out of the car was just disgusting; talk about not being discreet.

And then he had the audacity to show up in my room and start rambling on about 'fucking' a girl like me. Please, I wouldn't give him that honor if he paid me. I wanted nothing to do with this guy. As far as I was concerned, Jasper and I were in no way going to be getting along any time soon.

But, shit when he touched me? It was like part of me wanted nothing more for him to keep touching me everywhere and I hated him for being able to do that to me. A guy has never been able to get that kind of reaction out of me so quickly _ever_.

However, there was one thing that bothered me way more than his useless attempts at flirting with me and that was one of the last things he said to me. After I called him out on being high, which he obviously was on something, he got me back telling me that I was too busy dealing with my own addictions.

That stung like a fucking bee because not in a very long time has someone been so upfront with me about being an addict. In the hospital, they didn't like to use the term 'addict' because they felt it would be harmful to our recovery and when I got out, my mom didn't use it either and neither did the so called friends I had. So for him, some guy I had just met to call me it to my face, it actually hurt. It hurt really bad; to the point where I wasn't even thinking straight anymore. I knew what I needed to do to get rid of the pain but, I couldn't do it now; not with Esme and Carlisle in the house and Jasper just down the hall. No, I'd have to wait until later when everyone was asleep in order to do what I wanted.

But, I needed to do something at this very moment; the urge, the anger was all too much and it needed to be taken care of.

I went to the bathroom, knowing full well that Esme had stocked it with the essentials. Locking the door behind me, I checked under the sink until I found it. It wasn't the best but it would do. I almost felt bad for a second. Because, how would Esme know that her leaving razors under the sink would lead me to this very moment? Thoughts of her quickly faded as I sat on the ground, leaning against the wall. I chose my spot carefully as always; a small area on my upper arm before sliding the razor across my skin quickly and forcefully.

"Shit." My voice was barely above a whisper, as if to not tip anyone off who may be lurking in the hallway. Though I knew there wouldn't be, the paranoia was always there, nagging at me in the back of my mind. My guard was almost always up, refusing to let anyone in. You start letting people in, things start to slip and too much information comes to light. That was _not _going to happen here. No, there was no fucking way.

The pain lasted only a few moments before I dropped the razor and just sat back, letting the sensation wash right over me. I wasn't bleeding because I hadn't done it deep enough. Which, that was good. I only wanted the feeling of numbness to be the only thing I felt at this very moment.

I knew that I would have a few hours before someone came to bug me, telling me to come downstairs to have dinner. I knew how Carlisle functioned. He was such a fucking family man sometimes and I knew for a fact that he was going to push me to be a part of his family. Fuck that; I wanted nothing to do with any of them. Behind the compassionate smiles of my uncle and his wife, I saw the worry, the anxiety that I was going to do something stupid.

Looking down at my arm, I sighed "they're fucking right." Though, just because they were right, that didn't mean shit in my book. This was my life, not theirs.

I spent the next few hours on my bed, thinking about how in the hell I ended up in this situation in the first place.

All I know is that I never wanted this.

Two months ago, if you would've told me that I'd be, at this very moment, living with someone who I only used to see a few times a year, his overly sweet wife and her drugged up nephew, I would've opted to stay in the hospital.

Well, not just any hospital; the psychiatric hospital to be exact. The place that I called home for a little over three years. A place that promised to 'cure' me of all my ailments and negative thoughts. Well, they are idiots in that place. I hated it there. That's the only reason I actually started talking to the therapist there, so I could get the hell out of there.

Five months of talking and they finally decided I was sane enough to go back home. Like I said, complete idiots but, I was free. I got to leave that place and had no intention of ever going back.

I was allowed to move back in with my mother; the woman who had been my rock for nearly all my life. Yes, I was pissed when she sent me to the hospital but it wasn't entirely her fault. My mother, bless her compassionate heart, was easily persuaded by the thoughts of others. So, when my 'brilliant' uncle Carlisle suggested that she maybe seek help for me, she immediately agreed, claiming she hadn't seen any of the signs that I was depressed.

_Depressed._ Who the fuck said I was depressed? Maybe a bit insane but depressed? That was just bullshit. But, my mother went along with it and she tearfully sent me away, coming to visit often on the weekends whenever she could. Even if I was mad at her, I could never hate her. She was my mom; she was family.

When they let me out of the hospital, I was oddly excited. I don't think I had been happy for something in a long time. It was a bit of a foreign concept to me to actually smile. My mother was of course there to greet me when they let me out. She was waiting for me with open arms and flowers like she was greeting a returning relative. But, that was my mom for you. Always so damn welcoming and comforting.

For two months, things were going great. Mom spent as much as time with me but she also gave me space. It'd been something I had craved and yearned for three years after living under constant surveillance and with other girls who had far more horrific addictions and issues than I could even imagine. She was the perfect balance. She was my best friend when it came down to it; the woman who I could count on, even when times were rough.

However, the normalcy and happiness were rather sort lived. In a twist of fucking unfortunate events, my mother was taken from me in a matter of minutes. She was in a car accident on the way home from work. She died on impact so I know that she didn't feel any pain. But, that didn't stop my grieving. How could it? Not when it was all my fault. If I hadn't gone back on my promise to her, she would've never died. It was one little slip up; one small mistake and it cost me the most important person in my life.

I had slipped, cutting just a bit too deep while she was at work and, like the idiot I am, I called her and told her. She was worried, but didn't seem angry and said she was going to stop at the pharmacy to pick up some medicine for me. So instead of her taking the normal route home, she took a different one. If it wasn't for my dumbass mistake, she'd of never been near that intersection; nowhere near that idiotic drunk driver that ran the red light, slamming into her, practically crushing her on impact.

Karma's a bitch isn't it? When the cops showed up at my house, I couldn't breathe. It was like I was living in a nightmare with no sign of waking up anytime soon.

I was so sedated that I barely remembered the funeral or anything right after it.

After my mother died, I got noticeably worse. I stopped eating, stopped talking to people. But, more than that, I started up old habits again. And I started them with urgency. It was my only means of stopping the pain and emotions. But, the day someone caught me passed out in the park down the street from my apartment, that's the day they called Carlisle. He was the only relative of mine who lived in the same state. No, there was no other option. My mother and Carlisle were the only children of my grandparents who had died when I was younger. Of course, there was always my father but, he hadn't been a part of my life for the past ten years so why the hell would I count on him now to show up? He hasn't contacted me since the day he left us all on our own. Frankly, I would rather live with Carlisle than with that low life.

Regardless, this wasn't my home. It was huge, almost intimidating, and much larger than the small apartment I grew up in San Francisco. Oh, how I was going to miss the city. There was almost always something to do there at all hours. That city was home, not quiet little Monterey. No, this place was home to rich people; people of status and wealth and who had earned this kind of living. It's no wonder Carlisle moved here. He was one of the top Doctors in a city not too far from here.

Carlisle had been less than pleased at the way I treated his wife and her nephew. Which, I don't know why he was so shocked. I didn't know those people so why in the world would I be nice to them? Granted, Esme did come to see me a few times while I was in the hospital. She claimed to come with my mom, but I saw right through that. She had come on 'behalf' of my uncle; asshole couldn't take time to come see his only niece. It had been his idea in the first place. Needless to say, I wasn't very happy with him and he sure as hell knew it too.

Even though my thoughts were solely on how I ended up here, I couldn't help but let them wander to the boy down the hall and it was pissing me off. I did not want to be thinking about him.

Although, if I got in good with Mr. drug addict, maybe he'd be nice enough to share whatever it was he was doing. My guess was pills; he didn't seem to have any track marks on his arms. Well, from what I could see. He may be annoying but if he was using pills to get his fix, then he was pretty smart. Pills left no evidence and they were easier and cheaper to get.

Personally, I had never gotten to the point where I relied on drugs but who knows, living here might just change all that.

Around six or so, there was a knock on my door. "Bella, honey are you in there?" Esme called me gently. Where the hell else would I be and right on fucking time.

"Yes?" It was more of a question.

"Oh, well dinner is ready so come down okay?" and with that, she left and I heard her walking down the hall, knocking on another door. Quickly, I got up off the bed and made my way downstairs, not bothering to take in my current appearance.

I should've though because the second I stepped in the dining room, uncle Carlisle gave me a curious look.

"Were you sleeping Bella?" he looked amused. Turning to the nearest mirror, I silently cursed myself for not taking ten seconds to fix my hair. It was all over the place, hanging loosely around the shirt I was wearing.

"Um, yea I was taking a nap." I lied, fixing it somewhat and pulling it back before sitting at one of the empty chairs. And not a minute later did Esme and Jasper walk in, him sitting down right across from me. I avoided as much eye contact with him as possible as Esme began passing the food around. I wasn't really in the mood to eat right now; just another one of my quirks I picked up in the hospital. Girls would be so freaked out to eat in front of other people that I soon began to have the same anxiety. And it stuck with me.

"Aren't you going to get more?" I looked between both my uncle and Esme who held concerned looks on their faces.

"Maybe in a little bit. I'll be fine with this." And I swore I heard a scoff coming from across the table. It took all I had to not to kick the jerk.

"So Bella, have you and Jasper gotten a chance to talk some more?" Carlisle, always the conversation starter, asked.

I shrugged "Yes" though, I wouldn't exactly call his coming on to me and calling each other out a friendly chat.

I looked at my uncle, trying to see where he was going with this. I had a feeling it wasn't going to be an easy dinner.

"Good. Because there are some things we need to discuss." See, I knew it! Setting my fork down, I leaned back and looked at him, just waiting to hear what was next.

This was just fucking fantastic; not even here twelve hours and he was already about to go all serious on me.

I couldn't wait to hear what he had to say; yea, right. A lecture was the _last _thing I wanted to hear.

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**Personally, I love my Bella and I hope that you guys like her as well. She definitely has her own issues and demons she's dealing with. Combine that with Jasper, things are about to get twisted. **

**Your reviews are so greatly appreciated! **


	4. Forgotten

**As always, thanks for all the support, it truly inspires me to keep going! **

**As usual, I don't own Jasper or Bella (though I so wish Jasper was mine..anyone else feel that way??).**

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****Chapter Four: Forgotten**

**Now you got me caught in the act  
You bring the thought back  
I'm telling you that  
I see it right through you**

**Bella**

If there was one thing I hated, it was a group of people just sitting there and staring at one another.

"Well come on" I glared at my uncle "what is it we need to talk about?" not like I wanted to hear it, I just wanted to get it all over with.

"Let's not beat around the bush alright?" I shrugged and he continued "Esme and myself are both very well of the situation you two are in. Though they're a bit different, you both are still struggling with very dangerous addictions." He paused, taking in our reactions. I said nothing and neither did Jasper. We just did what they wanted and listened.

"And?" I pressed.

"I want you to know that while you both are living here, things are going to be a bit different. Bella, I know losing your mother was extremely difficult on you, especially after just getting out of the hospital but, I'm going to do all I can to make sure you kick your habit understand?"

"Carlisle, why are you treating me like a patient instead of your niece?"

"Because I love you and I want you to get better." To that, I wanted to laugh.

"Whatever. But for the record, don't bring up my personal life like it's nothing. You know how I feel about that."

"Yes, yes I know. But, we're all technically family here."

"Like hell we are." Jasper's voice joined the conversation and I finally glanced at him. He wasn't staring at me but rather at my uncle "Look, I'm not your family nor do I want to be part of it, especially when it comes to _her _fucking drama."

_Such the gentleman._

"Jasper, darling, that's quite enough." Esme gently reprimanded him "I'm afraid the same goes for me honey. I know that losing your sister was one of the hardest things you had to go through but, believe me and Carlisle when we say we're going to help you two."

Oh, well now this was getting interesting. I watched Jasper and noticed how his demeanor changed with just the mention of his sister. I wondered what happened to her. But, if I could take a wild guess, I'd say it had something to do with him. Even more so, I'd bet anything that it was the reason as to why he so fucked up.

"Who the fuck said I wanted help anyways?" he looked at me, as if he wanted me to agree with him. I didn't say a word. I wasn't getting involved in his little rant. I had my own issues to deal with.

"Well, you may not want it but you're getting it whether you like it or not."

"Jesus Christ, can you all just shut up?" I leaned my elbows on the table and rubbed my temples. They were all driving me insane.

"Yea, I agree with her."

"I have a name, asshole." I glared at Jasper and he just smirked.

"Yea and?"

"Look, what's your problem?"

"Nothing, other than you."

"What?"

"You heard me sweetheart." He grinned at me; cocky bastard.

"Oh, I can't handle this shit." I stood up and he just watched me, his eyes lingering on my legs "stop staring at me!" I nearly shrieked at him.

"Bella, sit down." Carlisle grabbed my arm gently but I just pulled away from him roughly.

"Don't…touch me." I clenched my fists at my side. Another anxiety quirk of mine? People touching me in hopes of calming me down. He instantly let me go as I quickly made my way up the stairs and into the bedroom. Locking it behind me, I sat on the floor at the edge of my bed, pulling my knees up to my chest, fighting desperately against the tears that wanted to fall down my cheeks.

"Not right now, Bella. Save your tears for later." I repeated to myself over and over for a good ten minutes before I knew I was good and I wasn't going to lose it right then on the floor.

I spent hours in the room again, listening for every little noise. I glared at my phone every so often, just watching the hours slowly pass by until around midnight, I heard Carlisle and Esme head off to bed, saying something to one another.

"Leave her be, Carlisle. She'll talk to you in the morning you'll see." Esme sounded a bit tired and confused. For a second, I felt bad that I had hurt my uncle's feelings somehow. But, I quickly shook it off. Feeling sorry wasn't going to solve anything now. As they passed, I heard them say goodnight to Jasper as well.

I waited exactly one hour before I grabbed my cigarettes and quietly made my way downstairs, out the back door, out to the dark and cold summer air. I was shaking a bit when I first got out there being as I was still only wearing my shorts and a thin long sleeve shirt. But, there was no time to go back and change. I needed to do this quickly and get my ass back in the house before anyone had the chance to show up.

The back yard was massive, just like everything else in this place. It was perfectly manicured to what I'm sure was Esme's dream yard. That woman had a keen eye I had to admit. Though sometimes, she tended to go a bit overboard on things. Honestly, did you really need so much opulence out here? Then again, this was Dr. Cullen and his wife we were talking about. I'm sure that they just loved having colleagues over here. I wondered briefly if they'd be inviting people over now that they had two addicts living in their house. My guess was no.

Trying not to trip as I walked to the side of the house, I tried to forget about all the beautiful greenery around me so I could focus on the task at hand. It was a bit ironic. Surrounded by all this beauty and feeling anything but on the inside.

I lit the cigarette, taking a few drags before grabbing my shirt and rolling up the sleeves just above my elbow. I found my spot before closing my eyes. All the times I have done this and I still hated to look. Taking the cigarette, I pushed it quickly against my skin, pressing it as far as I could handle and counted to ten. The pain was intense but at the same time, euphoric. When I pulled it away, I stared at my new mark and smiled in satisfaction. I stood there, and I finally let tears fall down my face. Tears of anger, hurt and overall anguish.

Only here for a day and I already felt myself going insane; I felt trapped, especially after Carlisle's 'I want to help you' spill. Fuck that, this wasn't a hospital. He may be a doctor but I didn't need any of his treatment.

There was nothing he could do to break me of this cycle, to make me 'better.'

Yet, I still felt amazing and alive. I was always like this afterwards. But, it was something I could only do outside because I never knew if I was going to scream or not. That was a risk I wasn't willing to take.

I was about to put it out when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I froze, thinking I had been caught.

"Don't." A voice whispered, even though it was just us. I turned slowly and was a bit surprised to see Jasper standing there, looking down at me, his green eyes intense.

"What?" I backed up a few inches from his grasp. He had been too close to me for me to even form a coherent sentence.

"Give it to me." he reached his hand out. "Give me the cigarette, Bella." He raised his voice a fraction. Intrigued, I handed it to him, at the most thinking he was going to take a few hits too. But, that's not what he did. Lifting the sleeve of his t-shirt, he, without hesitation, pressed it into his skin, shutting his eyes as it left its mark.

"Shit" he sighed when he was done, dropping the cigarette and stepping on it. "I haven't done that in a long time." He looked at his new burn mark before pulling his sleeve down.

I stared at him in shock. Did he just?? What the fuck?

"You aren't…going to say anything are you?"

"If I say something then we'd both be in deep shit." He shrugged "I'll keep my mouth shut if you do?"

"Deal." I quickly agreed "On one condition?"

"And what's that?"

"Tell me what you take Jasper."

"Why?"

"Because" I stepped a bit closer "Maybe I want in." I didn't really know what I was saying but I didn't really care.

"Little girl" he closed the gap between us, letting his hand come to rest on my hip "You don't want any of this. You wouldn't know what to do with it." I glared at him, obviously not missing the double meaning in his words.

Could this guy have a bigger ego?

"I've seen a lot worse believe me. Besides, you're not as tough as you want me to believe." I moved my hand up his arm until I was right over the burn mark and I squeezed it gently.

"Ow, fuck!" he hissed in pain, pulling away from me.

"Did it hurt?" I smiled but on the inside, I was actually worried that I had pushed too hard; because nothing hurt more than a fucking messed up burn mark.

"Bitch" He mumbled "you're sick" his eyes narrowed at me.

I scoffed "I don't need the likes of you to tell me that, you asshole." I shook my head and made my way back towards the house.

I tried to not let his words affect me but so help me God they did.

If I had learned anything today, it was that Jasper and I were equally fucked up.

I really wanted nothing to do with him….and yet, I wanted to know everything about him.

Turning around slightly as I walked inside, I saw that he was staring right back at me. He was staring but didn't seem too surprised that I turned back around; like he had been expecting it.

Oh, shit. I was so screwed.

He may have called me sick but, there was no denying that there was something about Jasper that was equally sick and cruel.

And fuck me, it was such a turn on.

Even worse, the smug bastard knew it. I could see it in those green eyes; and he fucking enjoyed it.

When he pressed the cigarette against his skin, I couldn't tear my eyes off of him. The way his lips had curved in both pain and pleasure, I was one second away from asking him to do it to me if only to keep that look on his face.

God, that didn't say much about me as a person. To both want him to stay away and come closer. Who the hell thought things like that about people they had just met less than twelve hours ago?

This was only day one and this guy was already getting under my skin. Well, if he thought I was just going to let him win, he had another thing coming.

He had no idea who the hell he was dealing with but, he was about to find out.

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**Does anyone else enjoy this twisted version of Bella? Because I sure as hell do. **

**Talk about an awkward dinner, right?  
**

**Her anxiety quirk? Yes, that's real; comes from personal experience. **

**Your reviews make me smile.  
**


	5. A Place for my Head

**AN: Continued support has been amazing and thank you so much, you inspire me to keep writing this story! **

**As much as I wish I owned these characters, I sadly don't. However, being able to mess with them, make them darker..that's enough for me.**

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**Chapter 5: A Place for my Head**

**I watch how the  
Moon sits in the sky in the dark night  
Shining with the light from the sun  
The sun doesn't give light to the moon assuming  
The moon's going to owe it one  
It makes me think of how you act to me. You do  
Favors and then rapidly, you just  
Turn around and start asking me about  
Things that you want back from me  
I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger  
Sick of you acting like I owe you this  
Find another place to feed your greed -  
While I find a place to rest**

**Bella**

I have officially been living with my uncle and his wife for about three weeks now and let me tell you, it hasn't been all that exciting. Carlisle works all day, leaving me all alone with Esme in the house for the most of the day. Ok, ok so Jasper's here too but what the hell does that matter? Ever since that night in the back yard, I had been trying really hard to avoid him and he had been doing the same thing. The only time we were physically in the same room was during dinner because god forbid that we didn't join in all the family fun. But, being cooped up in the room all day wasn't exactly my idea of a good time so I found myself spending more time outside, venturing out to all the different beaches around here. There wasn't one not too far from the house that I was beginning to visit on a daily basis, spending hours there, just thinking about all the shit that was going on in my life.

I had been here for three weeks and I still felt exactly the same as when I first arrived. I mean, I know that change didn't happen overnight and I wasn't exactly putting forth any effort to get 'better' so perhaps that's where my problems lay? Oh well, I didn't really give a fuck. I didn't want to be here with these people, not by a fucking long shot.

Today I had woken up earlier than usual, just as the sun was beginning to rise. Not having much else to do, I grabbed a blanket and sat outside on the roof for a few hours, watching the sun rise amid another cloudy day here. Even I had to admit, it was beautiful out here with all the nature and virtual seclusion from the outside world. But, this still wasn't home. I was a city girl and I wondered just how long the ocean would be able to satisfy me.

I was crawling in through the window at the same time my door opened slowly before a rather shocked Esme Cullen was staring right at me.

"What are you doing Bella?" she asked as calmly as possible but the nerves in her voice betrayed her "are you…are you just coming in?"

I thought about messing with her, telling her that I had just come back from a night of debauchery but decided against it at last minute. "yea, coming in from the roof." I closed the window, heading towards my dresser to grab some clothes to take a shower.

"The roof? What in the world were you doing out there?"

I shrugged "I woke up early, so I've just been sitting out there for the past few hours."

"Oh but honey" she shook her head "you could catch a pneumonia." Her concern, while appreciated, wasn't necessary. After all, she wasn't my mother. Yea, call me a bitch, I don't care.

"I'm fine, really Esme it's nothing."

"Well" she changed the subject "I was just coming in to see if you wanted to come with me into town today?"

"Town?" the way she said it made it seem like she lived in some small place rather than this gigantic house.

"Yes, I have to pick up a few items from one of the small boutiques and wanted to know if you wanted to come along? You know, get out of the house for a bit?"

I thought about it for a minute. I guess getting out would be good for me. It'd be way better than being cooped up in the house all day.

"I guess." I gave her another shrug "when are you leaving?"

"In about an hour or so, so don't worry, you have plenty of time to get ready sweetie."

With that, she left me to go take that shower. I took a bit longer than usual, the hot water feeling incredibly good on my sore body. I don't know what it was but, something about sleeping in that bed, I didn't feel all that comfortable. I would toss and turn all night and when I finally fell asleep, it was out of pure exhaustion.

Then again, perhaps it had nothing to do with the bed but rather, all the thoughts that plagued my mind. A tiny part of me knew that I was depressed. I'd have to be pretty cold not to be. My mother was my world, my best friend and no one was ever going to replace her. I thought about her all the time, and it hurt so bad; especially today.

When the hot water began to run cold, I turned it off and got out, wrapping a towel around me as I brushed my teeth and hair before getting dressed. It was almost the middle of June but it had been rather breezy the past few days so I settled on some jeans, a white tank top and a black sweater.

Forty five minutes later, I was downstairs in the kitchen, grabbing a glass of orange juice as I waited for Esme. Leaning against the counter, I wasn't alone for long. Trudging down the stairs, I soon came face to face with Jasper, him staring at me with almost irritation. He walked right past me, grabbing himself a glass of juice as well. He stood across from me, silently drinking it.

"Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?" I broke the silence.

He scoffed "fuck off Bella."

"Look, whatever your problem today is, don't take it out me Jasper." I turned, setting my glass in the sink. Before I could turn back around, I felt myself being slightly pushed against the counter, before feeling Jasper's hand on my lower back, his lips hovering right above my ear.

"I'll do whatever I so please sweetheart." His voice was low, dark and sent chills of both fear and pleasure down my spine.

"Do girls actually fall for this shit?" I turned slightly so that I was facing him, trying to keep an emotionless expression. He smiled smugly before moving away from me.

"All the time."

I opened my mouth to respond to his cocky comment but we were suddenly joined by Esme with her purse in one hand and a thick folder in the other. "You two ready?" she smiled warmly and I suddenly wondered if this was some kind of set up or was she really just trying to get us out of the house? We silently followed her out the car, Jasper taking it upon himself to ride up front. Honestly, he was more than welcome to drive up front, it meant I could just sit back and stare out the window in peace.

The ride into town wasn't much of a ride at all. In fact, it took us all but fifteen minutes to get to downtown Monterey were Esme informed us that she needed to go the a furniture store to pick up some things for a house that she was helping decorate. Apparently Esme Cullen was some hot shot interior decorator around these parts. Which, that didn't come as much as a surprise; Esme _did _have really good taste when it came to home décor. But hey, if you were good at something and could get paid for it, then more power to her.

The shop was, like most of this small city, upscale and chic. Passing displays of paintings and tables, I could only imagine what they could cost; more money than I would probably ever see that's for sure. I suddenly felt underdressed as we stood in the background as Esme chatted with the lady in the front. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Jasper doing the same thing; taking in the scenery around him. However, he seemed more at ease with it. I'm sure he was used to these kinds of things. I didn't know much about Esme and her family but I was pretty certain they came from money.

"Oh, Clarice, I would like you to meet my nephew Jasper." She motioned towards Jasper who gave a curt nod to the woman "he's staying with us this summer."

"It's nice to meet you Jasper." This Clarice woman smiled "and who is this Esme? Another relative?" the woman eyed me a bit differently.

"Oh! This is my husband's niece Bella, she's also staying with us this summer as well." The way she said it, it made it seem as though Jasper and I were there by choice rather than forced.

The woman and Esme mad idle chat with one another before it was time for us to leave. After dropping her stuff back off in the car, she told us there were a few more shops she needed to stop by in the area and wanted to know if we wanted to walk around while she did what she needed to do. I was all for it, especially since I had seen a bookstore a few shops down. Jasper surprisingly agreed to come with me while Esme went about her business.

I kept my distance from Jasper while we were in the small bookstore. I wandered aimlessly around, looking at the collection of books they had on display, picking up two before coming across the section where they had some sketchbooks and journals. My eyes immediately landed on one of them towards the top and I grabbed it quickly. It was a red leather bond journal and it smelt amazing. Something about these kinds of journals always made me feel at ease. I had one when I was in the hospital but was in dire need of a new one. Checking the price, I was suddenly glad that Carlisle had decided to give me that credit card, saying there was enough money for things I needed. I didn't know what I would need to buy being as I didn't go anywhere but, it was a nice gesture now that I thought about.

I took the things I wanted, heading towards the front so I could pay. The guy at the counter greeted me with a smile as he began ringing up my things. He seemed to be around my age, this clearly being a summer job of some sorts.

"So, you just move here?" he began talking to me and I looked at him funny. What the fuck?

"Uh, no." I dug around in my wallet, pulling out the card and handing it to him.

"Here for the summer?" he tried again.

"Yes, if you really want to know." I really hoped he would shut up; the last thing I needed was some guy hitting on me.

"Well, if you want someone to show you around, I'd be more than happy to." His smile grew a bit slyer as he watched me.

"No thanks." I tried to be as polite as possible. I may not care what people think about me but, I knew Carlisle and Esme had reputations to uphold here but, he was really getting on my last nerve.

"Oh, come on babe. I can show you a really good time." He then proceeded to fucking wink at me!

I was about a fraction away from punching this asshole when I felt an arm drape around my shoulders. Both the guy and I looked up to find Jasper standing there, a very peculiar look on his face. He was glaring at the guy behind the counter, almost daring him to move or say something else. His jaw was tense and his grip around me wasn't gentle by any means.

"I think you should just give her the books." His eyes remained locked on the guy "_now._" He practically hissed. And even though I knew I shouldn't, I felt an odd sense of pleasure running through my body at the sound of Jasper being so protective and brooding. Without another word, the guy handed me the bag with my things in it, which I took quickly from him.

"You're such a fucking loser" Jasper spat at him, even though he was no longer saying anything "trying to advance on her. What would possibly make you think she'd ever give you the time a day, let alone a blow job?" my eyes widened at that statement. Where the hell did that come from? "You're pathetic man. Really."

"Jasper, stop." I nudged him in his ribs, hoping he'd just stop before things got worse. He gave in, turning us both around as we exited the store. Once we were out and around the corner, I shook out of his grasp.

"Just what the fuck were you doing?"

"I was doing you a favor sweetheart. That guy was one second away from trying to take you to the back room."

"What?" all I had seen were his feeble attempts at flirting "and what? You don't think I could handle him?"

"Just say thank you and it'll be done."

"Like hell I will. I didn't ask you to help me!" I realized that I was probably making a scene in front of all these shops but I didn't care "why did you do it?" I needed to know, demand to know what the hell his problem was.

I didn't get my answers.

"There you two are!" Esme's cheery voice ended our conversation as we both looked towards her "ready to head back? Oh Bella, you bought something!" this woman was far too happy over me buying something. So much so that she told me to ride in the front to tell her what I had got and all kinds of meaningless information. Once we got back to the house, I was the first one out of the car, inside and in my room in a matter of two minutes. Dumping my things on the bed, I grabbed my new journal, swapped my sweater for a sweatshirt before heading back outside and down the short walk to the beach.

Once there, I found my usual place I loved sitting; up on some rocks that looked down towards the ocean. Sitting there, I dangled my legs over the ledge, placing the journal in my lap before I started writing down things, all my thoughts that had been plaguing me for the last week or so. And before I knew it, my hands were shaking and I was being overcome with emotion.

I knew what today was, how could I forget? I had been stupid to even think I could try and distract myself long enough to not think about it all day. God, I was so wrong. Today had been bad enough just by the date but add that to Jasper's odd behavior in the bookstore, it was quickly becoming too much. Why had he done that anyway? He didn't care about me so why would he even bother? Wouldn't he have taken some sort of sick satisfaction in watching that guy hit on me? Unless for some odd reason, he was jealous.

I laughed through my tears at that one. Yea, right; Jasper jealous? No fucking way.

I remained alone for quite some time, the tears still coming as I wrote about everything; everything I had lost, everything I was currently losing when I felt it; a hand firmly grabbing my shoulder. I didn't have to look to know how it was but, I turned around anyways, once again coming face to face with Jasper. However, instead of his usual cocky grin, he had his eyebrow raised a fraction and the only thing filling his eyes was something that faintly resembled concern.

Oh, god could I not catch a break today? This was just fucking perfect!

While I just wanted to get away, everything and everyone seemed to be following.

I opened my mouth, fully prepared to tell him to leave me be but, he beat me to it.

"Don't waste your breath" he let go, sitting beside me "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."

Oh, hell. What was with this guy!

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_Teaser for Ch 6: "you're already fucked so, why not?" his tone wasn't spiteful_

_ but rather, brutally honest as he watched me, awaiting my decision.  
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**I'd bet it's safe to say that Jasper's mood swings are giving Bella a bit of whiplash...reviews are my addiction!**


	6. From the Inside

**AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, added me to their alert and favorite lists. It truly keeps me inspired to keep writing!**

**As always, I do not own these two; though, twisting them to my liking seems to work for me. **

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****Chapter 6: From the Inside**

**Tension is building inside, steadily  
(Everyone feels so far away from me)  
Heavy thoughts forcing their way, out of me  
Trying not to break  
But I'm so tired of this deceit  
Every time I try to make myself  
Get back up on my feet**

**Bella**

I eyed Jasper, wanting to know what the hell he was doing here. Not only had he just pretty much demanded that I tell him what was wrong but, he had just sat beside me, as if we were old friends about to catch up.

My silence seemed to be annoying as we sat there for a good while, the only noise being the wind that had begun to pick up as it was getting later.

"I don't know what you want from me, Jasper" I finally broke this unwanted silence "how can you possibly think that I would want to talk to you after that stunt earlier."

He merely scoffed "I wouldn't call it a stunt sweetheart. I was helping you out, that's it. But, that's not why I'm here now. You may think I'm some insensitive asshole.."

_Now there's an understatement. _

"But even I know when someone's hurting and pretending not to give a shit when in reality, they're dying on the inside."

"Wow, well guess what? I can tell when a person's being honest and when they're completely bullshitting me. So, just tell me what you want Jasper so you can just leave me be."

"I don't want anything from you" he shrugged off my previous comment "I just want to know."

"Know _what_?" my patience was wearing thin and if he wasn't stronger than me, I'd push him off this cliff right here and now "there's nothing to tell."

"Fucking liar" he scooted in closer, his scent washing over me as the wind began to kick up again "tell me" his already unruly hair was even more so due to the weather and I fought back every urge to run my hands through it, wanting to know what it would feel like.

I knew I had two choices. One, I could lie to him or two, I could just suck it up and tell him the real reason I was acting bitchier than normal.

"Why do you care anyways? I thought you hated me?"

He shrugged "momentary lapse in judgment I guess. That and I was going to find out later tonight anyways. You know your uncle can't keep his mouth shut for five seconds when it comes to 'poor Bella and her problems'." he offered me a horrible imitation of Carlisle.

"Hey, that's my fucking family your talking about, Jasper. Even if I don't like it here, he's still family." actually, I couldn't agree with him more but, I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him that. He didn't respond, just awaited for me to start talking. It was then I realized that I probably looked like a mess, with tears perhaps still falling down my cheeks.

"Look Bella" he turned towards me again, this time all hint of cockiness gone "just tell me why you're crying. I might be able to help you."

He _what! _

"Somehow your help doesn't seem to be unconditional."

"Maybe, maybe not but how about you just tell me. Or" he reached across me "I can always read it in this." he attempted to take my journal out of my hand but I had it in an iron grip. His hand clasped over mine as he tried to take it sent waves of hatred and desire through my body.

_Get a hold of yourself, Bella. Don't fall for this shit._

"Let me go" I pushed him away "god, you're so annoying" I set the journal on my right before turning to look at him "fine, you really want to know?"

"Well hell, I'm not sitting out here for no reason."

"It's June fifteenth."

"I'm not stupid, Bella. I'm well aware of what today is." something seemed to flash in his eyes; something I couldn't put my finger on. I knew why I was so upset but I didn't know why he was "you can't possibly be mad over a simple date."

"You don't understand. You don't know what it's like to lose…" I stopped abruptly. _Shit!_

"I don't know what it's like to lose a loved one? Is that what you were going to say?" hatred seemed to replace whatever had been in his eyes "you know what, fuck this. I don't even know what I was thinking following you out here" he stood quickly, already turning back towards the house "I can't handle this shit."

Watching him turn away from me, gave me an unsettling feeling in my stomach because, it seemed as though I hadn't just made him angry but rather, actually hurt him in some way; and that shit didn't sit to well with me.

"Jasper, wait!" I called him, catching up when he stopped. I had no idea what I was doing but I couldn't let him walk away from me "I…um" I briefly considered say I was sorry but that's not what came out of my mouth "today's been three months since my mom died." the words were rushed as I said them, cutting me as the grief hit me all over again. I mean yes, it was hard every day dealing with the loss of her mother but on the actual date? It was ten times tougher.

As soon as the words came out, he turned, seemingly having an internal battle of sorts. Either that or his drugs were wearing off. He opened his mouth to say something but last minute, he closed it, running his hand through his hair, looking beyond me towards the water before coming back.

"Now, that wasn't too bad was it?" his cold, emotionless glare was back in place as he watched me "I knew something was up. You've been a bigger bitch than usual."

"Way to point out the obvious." I wasn't offended by his statement in the slightest; truth was a bitch sometimes, that wasn't anything new.

"Look Bella, if you're looking for sympathy, you're not getting it from me."

Oh, god he was infuriating! "You're the one who asked me, I wasn't going to tell you shit. I don't want your sympathy, it'd probably be fake anyways."

"You're right, it would be but" he stepped closer to me "I can give you something very real that would take away the pain, even if for a few hours."

I backed away from him quickly, disgust written all over my face "is this what this is about? Are you trying to get me to sleep with you?!" I raised my voice and a few beach patrons turned and looked at us funny.

"Oh believe me, the thought crossed my mind. Especially earlier in the bookstore. God, the things I'd do…" he ran his hands up my arms "but" he pulled away "that's not what I'm talking about. Though, I'm flattered you would even consider me a fuck buddy."

"I…no!" I stammered. Damn it! How did he always do that? "we're never going to be friends, let alone 'fuck buddies'." What the hell kind of phrase was that anyways?

"Your loss. Whatever Bella, look here I brought you this" he reached into his sweatshirt pocket before pulling out something.

"Give me your hand."

"For?"

"Oh, Jesus Christ" he grabbed my hand and I immediately thought what it would feel like to have those hands in other places "here." facing my hand up, he put something in it before removing his own hand. Looking down, there was a tiny pill staring back at me.

"Oh, hell I'm not taking this shit" I tried to give it back to him but he backed away "take it, Jasper. I'm not taking _drugs_." I said it softly, not wanting anyone to hear me.

"You're already fucked so, why not?" his wasn't spiteful but rather, brutally honest as he watched me, awaiting my decision. I glanced back and forth between him and the pill in my hand, feeling like it weighed a hundred pounds the longer I stared.

"Shit Bella, it's just a sleeping pill. It's nothing."

"To you it's nothing. How can I be sure that this is _just _a sleeping pill and not something else?" I had no experience was drugs so for all I knew, it could've been something that could kill me.

"Because you really think I want to be blamed for something happening to you too?" there was an underlying sense of guilt in his voice and I had a feeling it had nothing to do with me.

"So, I take it and then what happens?"

"Well, since it's safe to assume that you've never taken it before, it'll probably knock you out 'til tomorrow morning. Afternoon if you're really weak."

If there was one thing I was not, it was weak and for him to even mention it pissed me off. So much so that, without so much as blinking, I glanced at the pill one more time before sticking it in my mouth and swallowing it dry.

"You're supposed to be in bed when you take those things" he shook his head "whatever you were trying to prove is about to catch up with you in about three minutes."

"Good, I don't want to talk to you anymore." I grabbed my journal and began walking towards the house. I might have been half way there when I felt the pill already kicking in. Refusing to believe I was weak, I kept telling myself that this was some strong shit and my first time and that's why it was working so quickly. Swaying a bit as I walked, I was about to cross the road when I felt a hand encircle my wrist.

"Let me go" even my words seemed slurred as I tried to break free from Jasper's grasp, causing me to sway more.

"You're about to fucking pass out, Bella. So stop fidgeting and come here."

"I'm not…" I tripped on my own two feet before feeling myself being lifted up "god, you're an asshole" I stared him straight in the eye "I hate you"

"Yea, I hate you too sweetheart." Jasper shifted, making sure I was secure in his arms. Be it my half unconscious state and inability to think clearly, I wrapped my arms around him while still clutching my journal and rested my head against him.

I felt nothing odd about him carrying me the rest of the way and into the house. I barely heard Esme saying something to us. Jasper answered but I was already slipping into dreamland. I faintly recall him climbing the stairs and before I knew it, I was in my room, being placed down on the soft mattress. At that moment, sleep seemed so wonderful and I was ready and willing for it to take over.

I was done dealing with all this shit today. Between mom's anniversary and all of Jasper's mood swings, I just wanted to forget about it all. I think I deserved a little bit of peace and numbness, even for just a night.

"I can stay" He stood over me, my eyelids already drooping shut.

"Fuck off and leave me alone" I groaned, kicking my shoes off, my head falling back on the pillows "thanks for the pill" and that was the last thing I remembered.

**Jasper**

She was fucking rambling which meant the pill was already working. She reminded me of myself the first time I took a sleeping pill; that shit worked wonders but, she was going to regret it in the morning when all the pain and anger came rushing back.

But, there was no permanent cure of grief. Trust me, I knew. I knew it and yet, I still gave it to her. Call me a cruel motherfucker, I didn't really care.

Bella wasn't the only one having a bad day today. I found myself having a really shitty day. Every day, I tried to block out everything, not wanting to remember the night my sister died but today, especially today, it was ten times harder.

When Bella told me that it was her mother's three month anniversary, I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up and deal with it. It what I was doing. Bella wasn't the only one who lose someone on the fifteenth. Unlike her, I wasn't sitting around crying and shit. Why would I? _I _was the one who had killed my sister; this was my fault and yet, I couldn't find it in me to cry about it.

Even though I wasn't really up for dealing with Bella's problems, something inside me felt the odd need to take care of her after I gave her the pill. I knew she wouldn't get sick but, even the thought of something happening to her, fuck that. I was not going to be responsible for yet another person getting sick and dying.

Telling her I'd stay, I meant it but knew she wouldn't go for it.

A minute after her head hit that pillow, she was out, her breathing even as her chest rose and fell slowly. Yes, I was fucking checking her out in her sleep and I didn't care because, more than staring at her, it let me know that was okay and that the pill was merely taking her to a deep sleep.

"You're such a fucking mess, Bella" I looked down at her closer, with all that hair around her and her lips slightly parted, I still found her incredibly sexy. Sexy and irritating as hell "and for the record" I leaned down, not even knowing it, and pushed some of her hair out of her face "I _do _understand what you're going through, more than I'll ever admit to you."

With that last statement, I felt my anger rising more than anything.

_Where the hell did that come from_?

I had to get out of this room and fast. Letting my hand linger on her warm cheek for two seconds too long, I walked away, not looking back at her as I shut her door and made my way to my room.

This wasn't good; I refused to feel anything towards that girl. I wouldn't allow it.

I meant nothing to her, she meant nothing to me.

I hated her, she hated me.

That's all it would ever be between us. Why? Because we were both too fucked up to see anything else.

We were addicts; all we knew these days were pain, hatred and anger and there wasn't much you could do with that besides hurt everyone around you.

Well fuck if that was the case, then it was only a matter of time before Bella and I completely destroyed each other.

One thing became very clear to me at that very moment; I'd have to break her, before she had to chance to destroy me. I would make this girl hate me so much, to the point where she'd never want to speak to me again.

Because in all honesty, I would rather have her hate me then break me; it was so much easier that way.

And I knew just exactly how I would do it.

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_Teaser for Ch 7: "I was wrong to think you could ever be anything more than a selfish bastard."_

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_**If Bella didn't have enough issues to deal with already, now she's been given sleeping pills. **

**Hope you enjoyed it. Jasper's way of thinking doesn't seem to be exactly...right? But, he _is _an addict and that's how they think sometimes. **

**I've posted a new story; If you're interested in more Jasper/Bella yumminess. **

**Reviews, as always, are _my _addiction.  
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	7. Faint

**AN: Sorry for the bit of a delay but, being back in school, _that_ writing has to come first before my stories, unfortunately. That, and the fact that this chapter went in a completely different direction than I had originally intended. Anyways, enjoy!**

**Jasper & Bella don't belong to me, I'm just making them more to my liking. **

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**Chapter 7: Faint**

**So, I let go watchin' you, turn your back  
Like you always do, face away and pretend that I'm not  
But I'll be here 'cause you are all that I've got**

**I can't feel the way I did before, don't turn your back on me  
I won't be ignored, time won't heal this damage anymore  
Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored**

**Bella**

They say that time heals all wounds. Well, I don't believe that for a second. What I do believe however, is that one week can certainly change your perspective on some things. Okay, on _someone _is more like it. Before that little incident on the beach, Jasper and I hated each other. We were constantly avoiding each other and when we were together, we were almost always arguing about something.

Then last week happened and it was like something changed. Granted, we aren't spending every moment of each day together but we are least able to be a bit more civilized around each other. I think that Carlisle and Esme are beyond pleased at this recent development. For the past week, we have been able to sit and have dinner like a semi-normal group of people; as normal as living with two addicts is going to get.

We apparently have made them so happy that tonight, we're being left all alone as my uncle and his wife head to town for a night to themselves. When they told us this afternoon, we just stared at them for a few seconds before I headed back upstairs and Jasper outside. We were both seventeen and pretty capable of taking care of ourselves.

Alright, alright so the whole taking care of myself thing might be stretching it a bit because no sooner did they tell me they'd be gone tonight that I immediately thought of where I was going to put a new marks tonight. Hell, I could already feel it; excited, nervous it was such a high every time I did it.

In the back of my mind however, I knew this wasn't right; it wasn't _normal._ Well fuck, nothing about me had ever been normal. I had always been a bit of an odd child, always obsessed things that made other people frown and laugh. While all the girls we obsessing over what boy they were in 'love' with, I was at home with my head in a book, picking at the newest self inflicted scratch. Being such a klutz, there was always a new cut or bruise for me to fall in love with. Call it sick, call it sadistic but I saw nothing wrong with it. Truth be told, I'm pretty certain that something in my head wasn't right.

The odd fascinations still existed. These days though, they were more painful and often times left lasting scars on various parts of my body. If I was being honest, I loved the scars; they were a constant reminder that I could constantly look at.

So, if I would've been 'normal', my first thought would've consisted of something like throwing a party or some sort while the adults were out. However, there were a few problems with that. For one, other than Jasper, there was no one else my age who I knew around here. I wasn't from here, this wasn't home and I had no intention in becoming friends with anyone anytime soon. Frankly, as soon as this summer was over, I wanted to get my ass out of here and head back to San Francisco. I had to do something with my life and being here wasn't part of my plan.

Having flunked out my senior year, I knew I needed to start there. Once I got back, I could take classes to get my GED and then go from there. It'd be hard but not impossible. There may be something wrong with me but, I wasn't a total failure.

Thinking of the different routes my life could go one once I left here was my main focus of the evening as I ate dinner in the kitchen, alone. Carlisle and Esme had left for their date and Jasper was still who knows where so I settled at the counter, having not completely destroyed the food I had made. Culinary skills weren't exactly something I possessed so the bare minimal is what I could make.

It was getting dark, almost eight or so and I was still in the house by myself. No matter what I did, I couldn't help but think about Jasper. It wasn't exactly the smartest thing to do, being down at the beach at this hour. Surely he knew that but the asshole probably lived for shit like that. It was pretty obvious that there was something about danger that lured Jasper right into its' dark depths. Why, it was simple really. He may act all big and bad around everyone but I saw right through that façade. Jasper was still reeling over the loss of his beloved sister; a death that I'm even more certain he had a part in. If he was as close to her as I had been to my mom, then he was beyond broken. I had nothing to do with her death and I still blamed myself for it so, if he actually had something to do with it, he was going to be fucked for life. Some people just don't get over things like that. People like Jasper didn't like to express emotions; they played it off, making it seem like they didn't care about anyone other than themselves. I saw it though, I saw the way his face practically twisted in grief when even the slightest hint of his sister came up.

We all deal with grief in our own way and clearly, he was going about it all wrong. I would know because I was in the same damn boat as him. Though, who was I to tell him what was right and wrong when I stood here, day after day, refusing to 'better' myself as my uncle so nicely put it. I wanted nothing more for Carlisle to snap and tell me to leave but I knew that would never happen. He has been a doctor for such a long time that I'm sure someone like me is just a walk in the park for him. Though, I can see it pains him each time I tell him something, something that pulls me further and further away from recovering. I don't know exactly what it is I'm exactly recovering from. I'm not the drug addict in this house.

_Yes, but you're an addict no less._

This was true. It didn't matter what you were addicted to because at the end of the day, you were just someone who was dependent on something that perhaps wasn't good for you.

I waited thirty more minutes before I finally got fed up and headed upstairs to grab my things. Something inside of me had wanted to wait for Jasper, maybe even invite him to join me. It wasn't exactly something you'd invite people too but, Jasper understood; whether I liked it or not, he got it. Hell, he himself did it too. However, I wasn't going to spend all night waiting for him. My life didn't revolve around him in the least bit.

My sweatshirt and cigarettes were still on the dresser from this morning and I had just picked them up when I heard the front door opening. Panic shot through my system when I heard a male voice, causing me to drop my stuff. Though, the closer I listened, I realized with it was just Jasper. Bending down, mentally slapping myself, I froze instantly when I heard a second voice.

"Is this really your house?" a perky, slightly slurred female voice joined the conversation.

"Would I lie to you, darlin'?" _Darlin'_? Where did this sudden southern charm come from?

"No" her giggle was annoying "but where's your room at, that's what I really want to see."

Oh, no fucking way, this wasn't about to happen! I needed out and fast but before I could, their footsteps could be heard coming up the stairs and I realized I was trapped. There was always the window but that was a pretty far jump and I wasn't about to break my leg.

Laughing, they stumbled down the hallway, halting for a moment when they stopped near my door.

"Are you sure…" her attempts at whispering failed "I mean, what you told me…"

"Shh, Alice" Jasper hissed "come on, don't worry about that."

_Alice. _God, what was going on here? Who was she and why was she here?

_Why do you think she's here, Bella? _

They were clumsy in their movements, clearly an effect of whatever that had been drinking or taking. They had left the door open and their voices traveled straight from his room to mine. Walls were thin and I wished for nothing at that moment to have one of Jasper's sleeping pills so I could knock out and get away from this. However, I wasn't so fortunate as light thuds mixed with laughs and moans grew louder. Grabbing my things, I headed out to the balcony, quickly lighting up and pulling up the hem of my t-shirt. Taking two drags, I needed this now and didn't have time to enjoy it like I usually did.

Without looking, I seared a spot on my side, just a little bit above my hip. Hissing in pain and pleasure, I kept it there longer than usual, not wanting this end. However, I'm merely human and my pain tolerance level had reached its' limit and I eventually pulled it off my skin, putting it out beside me. I sat there, knees to my chest and breathing heavily. Tonight seemed to be different. Tonight, the burn seemed to be taking on a mind all on its' own. I was feeling lightheaded and in a shitload of pain.

The pain however was completely forgotten when I crawled back into my bedroom, shutting the window behind me. Walking slowly to the dresser to grab some pajamas, that's when I heard them.

Apparently bypassing the foreplay, they were going at it quick and forcefully. Even from here, the sounds of the bed moving could be heard.

"Jasper" a breathless Alice moaned over and over "ooh baby, harder…" she was begging him.

Changing as quickly as I could, I crawled into bed and just lay there, forced to listen to this. I could go anywhere in the house and I'd still be able to hear them and I wasn't about to go outside. It was dark and I in no way wanted to venture out alone where someone could snatch me up in the blink of an eye.

"Alice…shit darlin' that feels so damn good…" Jasper's own grunts and moans were added to the mix "so fucking good."

Laying in bed, darkness surrounding me and the sounds of those two down the hall was making my head spin. I don't know if it was the pain or something far more twisted but, I subconsciously ran my hands up and down my body until one slipped underneath the waistband of my shorts and before I knew it, I was touching myself in perfect rhythm with the fuck buddies.

"Harder" Alice cried and my silent moan matched hers as I moved faster "oh, hell!" she practically shrieked and I knew exactly what that meant. His hand had moved, rubbing her fervently because he needed her to come quicker so he could do the same. Mimicking his actions, I did the same to myself, my back arching a bit off the bed, squeezing my eyes shut as I envisioned for a moment that I was that girl down the hall. She seemed to be having the best sex of her life and I'm certain it had nothing to do with the buzz she was on.

This wasn't the first time I had done something like this. In the hospital, it was female central every day all day. Sometimes though, you could hear girls getting off next door or even in the same room as you. I took what I could get, my body desperately craving release. It soon became routine to me and I thought nothing of it. Just another thing that was fucked up about me.

Right now however, it was so much more than a desire for a release. I hadn't even been sexually frustrated until now. No, damn it I was pissed at Jasper. How dare he bring a girl here when he knew I was here! What kind of sick, twisted person was he? No, what kind of person was I?

I hated him and yet here I was, on the brink of orgasmic bliss with each moan and thrust.

"Jasperr…" Alice slurred his name, both out of intoxication and sheer euphoria as she came. Not two seconds later, as a slew of 'fucks' came flying out of Jasper's mouth did I feel myself clench around my finger as I came as well, trembling as I did so.

Whatever it was they were talking about, I didn't know nor did I care because at that very moment, I knew what this all was. Wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand, I silently cursed Jasper. He knew exactly what he was doing. Even worse, he had succeeded.

Last week, things had gotten to personal for him. Addicts didn't like things to be personal at all so, he did the one thing he knew would only refuel my hatred towards him. He brought in a girl, someone he didn't even know, and fucked her loud and hard because he knew I'd be listening. He did it to hurt me and damn it, he did.

Why, because we were addicts and this is what we did. When things got too complicated and personal, we acted out, pushing away the ones who were slowly creeping in. Believe me, I didn't want anything to do with Jasper. It wasn't my fault I had seen right through him and understood him and what he was going through.

Why he had chosen this way to shut me out, I wasn't so sure. Maybe he was looking for an easy lay, I really didn't care. At any rate, the fucker had hurt me and I wasn't about to let that slide. Moving off the bed, I readjusted myself, checking my reflection in the mirror. It was obvious I had been crying just now but it wasn't too bad. Swinging my door open, I walked down the hall, fully prepared to walk in on them but, much to my surprise, Jasper was already standing outside his door, arms folded across his bare chest.

His cocky smirk faltered for a second when he took in my appearance but it returned immediately.

"Are you…happy?" I clenched my fists at my side, trying to stop myself from wiping that look off his face. I tried to keep my eyes above his neck. Seeing him clad in just jeans wouldn't do anything to help my situation.

"Whatever do you mean sweetheart?" he moved from the wall, towering a bit over me "I thought for sure you would enjoy the show."

Oh, god. I had thought this had been his reason but for him to actually own up to it, was ten times harder.

"You, are sick and twisted" I glared at him, trying to act tough but on the inside, my stomach was clenching and I was two seconds away from doubling over in pain "I hate you"

He opened his mouth to respond but, the appearance of a small, pixie like girl in the doorway stopped him. Dressed in his t-shirt, her hair was sticking up every which way and there was a distinct mark already forming on her neck. I fought back the urge to slap her as well as she smiled at me innocently.

_This bitch knew what was going on._

"You're pathetic" I spat at her "he only used you."

She shrugged "hey, he offered me a good fuck, I wasn't going to turn him down."

This was truly unbelievable "you…you knew didn't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about" she smiled again "I'll be in the room Jazz" she winked at him and when she turned to walk away, he smacked her on the ass, eliciting a giggle from her.

"I know what you're trying to do, Jasper."

"Is that so? I don't know what that could possibly be, being as you don't mean anything to me, Bella." His face was stoic, void of anything.

"Yes..you.." I stammered, trying to think clearly "things got too personal and now you're trying to shut me out, make me hate you."

He leaned in closer "did I succeed?" there was a dark glint in his eyes that both made me nauseous and long to kiss him. Shit, this was so bad.

"You know what, I thought I understood you, had you figured you out but, I was wrong. See, you feed off the fact that you're an addict, using it to block out any real emotions you may have."

"I feel nothing towards you, Bella."

"God, you know I was wrong to think that you could ever be anything more than a selfish bastard. To think that behind everything, there was a decent human being in there somewhere."

His response was silent, watching me without even so much as blinking. His unwavering emotional expression worried me but I didn't have the strength to deal with him; these were his demons not mine.

Turning from him, walking back towards my room, more tears began to fall and that's when I knew. I had unknowingly gotten myself involved with Jasper. His past, I knew little about but his present, I saw it clear as crystal. He wanted to shut me out, fine but, if he thought he could just pull this little stunt and think I was going to remain silent, the asshole had it all twisted.

If he wanted to play it this way then I'd play along; see which one of us got pushed the furthest first before the other completely broke. He started this twisted game, and I sure as hell was going to finish it because no one treats me, humiliates me like that and gets away with it.

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_ Teaser for Ch 8: Alice was everything Bella wasn't, a fact which was supposed to make things easier._

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**These two have just entered a very peculiar game haven't they? Thoughts as to what Bella's going to do? **

**Thoughts on the chapter? **


	8. In Between

**AN: Thanks so much for the continued support, it means so much to me! **

**As always, Jasper and Bella do not belong to me...I just made them more twisted to my liking. **

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**Chapter 8: In Between**

**Between my pride and my promise  
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way  
And things I want to say to you get lost before they come  
The only thing that's worse than one is none**

**And I cannot explain to you  
And anything I say or do or plan  
Fear is not afraid of you  
But guilt's a language you can understand**

**Jasper**

Carlisle and Esme's sudden decision to have a night on the town sent my plan flying into motion quicker than I thought. For a week, I had been waiting for the opportune moment, but it wasn't as easy as I thought being as Esme was always at the house, never wanting to leave us alone.

The past week drove me crazy. After that night, Bella started acting all different with me. Gone were smartass comments, her deliberate avoidance of me and they were replaced with quick glances and civilized conversation. What the hell was that shit? I knew that, after two days of that, things were going to have to change…and fast. I couldn't have her thinking that things had changed between us. That was the _last _thing I wanted her to think.

No, my mission was simple: get this girl to hate me.

As soon as they left, I was gone. I knew it wouldn't be hard. No matter where you lived it, Friday nights were the nights to meet up friends and most likely getting smashed all night. Being as we surrounded by beaches and rich people, there was bound to be plenty of hot girls running around here.

Fifteen minutes later, I found her. Her name was Alice and she was perfect and I knew she was the one when I laid eyes on her. Why, because Alice was everything Bella wasn't, a fact that was supposed to make things easier.

Bella was average height with long, flowing brown hair. Alice was pixie like with short black hair. Bella was a tough bitch, Alice was hooked the second I smiled at her. Bella never really smiled, always wanting to fight with me, Alice was perky and laughed at all the meaningless things I told her.

She was by no means the prettiest girl there, but she was the least like Bella and that was what mattered most. Getting her to come to the house was simple enough. I was upfront with her, telling her I wanted to piss off someone in my house and I needed her help. She agreed to sleep with me, quite willingly I might add. It wasn't hard to figure out that she was desperate to get fucked that she momentarily lowered her moral standards. I didn't care about her morals, I cared about her putting on a good enough show to make Bella seethe with hatred, maybe even a bit of envy.

On top of everything else, Alice was a bit drunk by the time I met her and took her back to the house. She was slurring things, clinging onto me and making a whole bunch of noise when we entered the house. Which, that it turn was a good thing. If she was loud, then there was no denying Bella could hear everything that was about to happen.

I kept the door open being as her door was closed. I knew Carlisle and Esme wouldn't be home anytime soon so there was no fear of getting caught. As part of our deal, I told Alice this was going to be quick. She agreed, her only request that I have protection. Well, fuck of course I had it. I wasn't going anywhere near that girl, not knowing where she had been because clearly, this wasn't her first time at random hooking up with strangers.

Alice wasn't anything special. Her touches and moans didn't really do much for me. With her completely naked, pinned underneath me, I came to see that she was pale and without many curves, another thing that separated her from Bella. No, Bella was curvy in all the right places. From those hips, the swell of her breasts, the way she bit her bottom lip when she was pissed off about something to soft, gentle feel of her skin.

I tried, damn it I tried, but nothing about fucking Alice did anything for me. She might as well been invisible for those first few minutes. It wasn't until I started thinking about Bella down the hall that things actually started getting interesting. I saw Alice, but I could only think of Bella. I wanted to see her face as she heard us. Was she disgusted? Was she intrigued? But oh fuck, it was the idea of her being turned by this that really got me going.

Sick, twisted whatever you want to call it, I didn't care. The faster I thrust into Alice, hearing her cry my name and beg for more, I could see Bella sitting in the chair in the corner of the room just watching us, working herself harder to keep up with me until we both finally sent each other to the brink without so much as laying a hand on each other.

Alice never knew the difference. To her, she felt she had done her job, satisfied me for the night. I suppose that was partially true, but not for the reason she thought. Immediately after we were done, I got up and dressed quickly. If I knew Bella, she'd be storming into this room any second. So, I beat her to the punch and waited for her outside my room. Sure enough, not even two minutes later, she came marching down the hall, her lips pressed in a tight line when she saw me.

My mind may have been playing tricks on me but I swear when I saw her, her face looked a little flushed and her breathing a bit uneven. Call me crazy, but aren't those the signs of someone's who just released some pent up tension? The mere idea of her actually pleasuring herself while I fucked Alice down the hall…well, there were no words. I couldn't have words for that because hell, this was about hatred, not sick fantasies.

She called me out on everything, just like I knew she would. She was beyond pissed, she actually looked hurt. Which fuck, that wasn't an emotion I was ready to handle. Alice came out, only adding fuel to the fire. Personally, I wanted to tell her off when I saw the look that crossed Bella's face as she pieced everything together.

And then she said something that I hadn't expected her to say. She called me a selfish bastard which, okay that was probably true, but it was what she said after that. She claimed to believe that she thought that beneath the way I acted and treated her, there was actually a decent person lurking. I wanted to laugh and break all in a matter of seconds. No one had ever said that to me. Well, not in a very long time. The last person to tell me there was still good in me was my sister and I'd be damned if I was going down that road again.

I refused to allow myself to care for someone the way I cared for my sister. I had tried to protect her and look what happened, she was fucking dead. Anyone I cared about, got destroyed in the long run. I was saving Bella a step or two. I wanted to destroy her, before we got too involved, before she got a chance to care about me only to have me break her in the end.

However, when I saw her turn away from me and walk back to her room there was something about her that seemed defeated. Her head wasn't held high, and I knew then I had succeeded. She may have acted like she didn't care, but I knew she did and it made things so much worse.

I had slept with Alice in hopes of making Bella hate me, think less of me. Did I succeed? Yes. Even so, I felt like shit afterwards and _that _wasn't part of the plan. I wasn't supposed to feel for this girl, wasn't supposed to care what she thought about me.

"Well," Alice's still slurred and cheery voice called me back into the room "did I do a good job?" She was perched on the edge of my bed, back in the clothes she had been wearing earlier.

Forcing her a smile, I shrugged. "She's pissed that's for sure."

"Good." She laughed. "Now, are you going to hold up your end?" Holding her tiny hand out, she waited. Without hesitation, I went into the bathroom and grabbed a few sleeping pills before walking back out.

"Here darlin'," this girl loved the whole southern charm thing "take one and you'll sleep until tomorrow afternoon."

"Perfect." She put them in her purse before standing, readjusting the tight, short skirt she was wearing. "Well Jasper, it was a good fuck I must say. I had fun and if you ever need me, I'll be around." With a wink, she stood on her toes and kissed my cheek.

"Yea, same here." Only, it wasn't that great, but oh well it was all over now.

"Oh, and Jasper?" She turned, her head tilted a bit. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, but can I tell you something?"

Not really caring what she had to say, I just shrugged again.

"That girl, whoever she is, maybe you should rethink hurting her again?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You don't see it because you're a guy, but the look she gave me it wasn't just anger or envy Jasper. There's something there. There's more to you two than just angry games. I don't know what it is or what your guys' story is…but just think about it next time okay?"

"I think you should leave, Alice."

"Sure thing babe. I'll see you around." With that, she was gone, but her last statement still lingered.

_More to you two than just angry games. _

What the fuck was that supposed to mean! Grabbing some clean clothes, I locked myself in the bathroom, wanting to wash Alice's scent off and clear my head. I achieved one of my goals.

I spent nearly an hour in there until the water started getting cold, but I was still plagued. My plan had completely backfired on me. I was supposed to hurt Bella, make the bitch hate me, but never was it in the plan to care when she actually did.

She was playing mind games with me, I just knew it. Her comment about me being a 'decent' person was what was really throwing me for a loop. Decent, yea right. I was anything but.

Not wanting to deal anymore, I popped a sleeping pill before passing out a few minutes later on my bed.

***********

Morning came, but I didn't wake up. It wasn't until after two that I cam trudging down the stairs, my stomach rumbling and my head pounding.

My peripheral vision was a bit off so I only saw Esme when I walked into the kitchen, but it was too late when I saw her. Sitting across from my aunt was Bella, who didn't even look up when I walked in.

"Jasper, there you are honey! I've been calling you for quite some time." My aunt's voice was laced with worry. "Are you sick dear?"

"No, I'm fine." I assured her, pulling out things to make a sandwich.

"Oh." She frowned. "Well, Bella said you were making some odd noises in your room last night. We thought you were ill."

I nearly dropped the things in my hand upon hearing that. Glaring over at Bella, she lifted her head to meet my gaze, but still remained silent. The only thing on her face was a small twitch of her lips.

"I'm fine." I repeated.

"Alright, well I need to make some phone calls. You two will be alright down here?"

"Yes." We both answered her. She stood, hesitantly looking at the two of us before she made her way upstairs.

Completely forgetting about my hunger and the food on the counter, I walked over her, placing one hand on the table and leaning down closer to her.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing Bella?" I hissed, but she didn't flinch.

"Oh that?" She laughed, but there was no emotion to it. "That's just the beginning Jasper." Sliding from under my arm, she stood before me.

"You think you can treat me like that, and I'm not going to do anything about it? You've got it all twisted, Jasper. All twisted."

Attempting to end the conversation, she brushed past me, but I caught her arm and brought her roughly back to me. "You don't want to do this Bella."

She looked at my hand on her and then up at me. "You don't know shit about what I want or am capable of. You fucked with the wrong girl Jasper…the _wrong _girl." There was such conviction in her eyes that for a second, I was speechless.

How was it that even in this state of rage, she was still sexy?

"I think you meant to say I fucked the wrong girl right?"

Her eyes widened for only a second before narrowing her eyes. "Go to hell."

"I'll see you there sweetheart." Tightening my grip, I brought her closer so that we were only a few inches apart. Her brown eyes burned with anger towards me and it was such a turn on. I wanted her to be angry with me…it suited her well.

"Jasper," she whispered my name and stood higher on her toes, her lips hovering above my ear "fuck off." Her words I suppose were meant to sting, but they only turned me on more. Her breath was warm and intoxicating. Breaking herself from my grasp, she walked away towards the stairs.

"Only with your help." I called after her. Flipping me off, she continued walking. Watching her hips sway with each movement, I literally had to hold onto the chair in front of me to keep myself from going to her and fucking her senseless.

Yea, I guess _was _twisted after all.

My plan to get Bella to hate me was working, but only on her end. Oh, she hated me more than ever now. However, the more she hated me, the more I was drawn to her. There was this push and pull now between us. The further I claimed to want her, the closer she was actually getting.

However, she made it very clear that she wasn't giving up. If that was the case, I couldn't give up either. I _wanted _her to fight me, wanted her to hate me to the point of desperation.

This may not have been part of the plan, but damn it, it was so much more exciting now.

* * *

_Teaser for Ch 9: The second I saw him, my stomach clenched. _

_I knew then, he was the one._

_

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_**So, Jasper's plan backfired on him. Though, you'd think that he know by now that Bella wouldn't back down without a fight...she's a tough bitch and I love her! **

**I thought it would be good show some of what he was thinking from last chapter. I love to hate Alice by the way.  
**


	9. Runaway

**AN: You guys were so amazing last chapter, I got the most reviews so far! That made my day. Hope you guys enjoy this one!**

**As always, these Lovely creatures don't belong to me...sadly. **

**

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**_**Chapter 9: Runaway**_

_**  
Paper bags and angry voices  
Under a sky of dust  
Another wave of tension  
Has more than filled me up  
All my talk of taking action  
These words were never true  
Now I find myself in question  
(They point the finger at me again)  
Guilty by association  
(You point the finger at me again)**_

**Bella**

Jasper was, for lack of a better term, killing me. The bastard was fucking relentless. After his little escapade with that slut Alice, he didn't stop there. No, in the few weeks since that night, he was brought home three more girls while Carlisle and Esme were out. Where the hell he found these girls, so willing to be fucked by him, was beyond me. Did he just have them waiting out at the beach, at his call when the time called for it?

_Did you ever stop to think that they weren't as willing as you think, Bella?_

Well damn, of course I had thought about that. He may not be my favorite person in the world, but even I wasn't blind to the apparent appeal that Jasper had. I knew his type, had dated one a couple years ago. Though back then, I wasn't strong enough to handle someone like that, the 'bad boy.' I could hold my own now, refusing to let some guy break me down. Even so, there was still something about Jasper that scared the shit out of me. Not so much out of fear, but out of intimidation. It was like he _knew _what I was thinking all the time. He knew just what to do and say to get under my skin and drive me crazy. That shit just isn't normal!

As it were, it was more likely that Jasper lured in these girls with his looks and charm. He was very…seductive when the time called for it. I would know, he was constantly trying to play it on me as part of twisted game, but I never let him see that it affected me. But damn it, it did.

It makes me sick to think that when he brought those other girls to the house, I reacted the exact same way I had the first time. I heard them, and I fucking imagined myself that girl as I touched and writhed, wondering what it'd really feel like to be her.

Yea, that's right. I thought about it, a lot. What kind of person does that me? I'm not sure. Someone who's not right in the head? Yea, that seems about right. It's one thing for _him _to do this on purpose, but it's another to react the way I do. I'm sure that wasn't his intention. Who brings a girl over so that the person down the hall can get off?

_Don't put it past him, he doesn't exactly functionally normally. _

That was for damn sure. If I was a bit messed up in the head then Jasper was fucked in the head. He said and did things that made even me do a double take. He was an addict, but that didn't exactly make things clearer.

Take right now. We were sitting down for dinner, the four of us and he had been staring at me almost the entire time. Esme and Carlisle must've been oblivious because they hadn't a said a word to us.

"Oh, Jasper I forgot to tell you honey!" Esme's sudden change of voice made even me look over at her. She was happier than usual, something I didn't think was possible. "We're having some visitors coming in tomorrow."

Visitors? Who in the hell…

"Who?" His tone was flat, acting like he didn't care. I knew better, he was curious.

"Your aunt Elizabeth is coming." She turned to look at me. "Elizabeth is my sister." She clarified for me, because I was just dying to know.

"Just her?" He hedged.

"Course not, their entire family."

Both Jasper and I cringed, his more visible than mine. "What about my parents?" I hadn't been expecting him to ask that and neither had Esme. Her surprised expression faded after a moment.

"I'm sorry sweetie. I called your mother last week. She said they couldn't make it."

Ouch, that was a low blow. "Figures." He mumbled, his attention falling back to the plate in front of him.

"But I think maybe having some family around will be good for you, Jasper." She tried to make something good out of it.

He remained silent.

"I hope you're okay with us having some company?" my uncle asked.

"Not like I have much of a choice now." Shrugging, I really didn't care. I wanted to give him a bad time though. He should feel bad, he could've asked me. I _was _living here after all.

The rest of the night passed rather uneventfully. I endured some TV with my uncle and his wife while Jasper went off and locked himself in his room. Probably popping a few pills, he didn't come out the rest of the night. As much as I wanted to be alone, I knew there wasn't much to do in my room. I had a few books, but I had read them all already. I had my journal, but there wasn't much to write and there was no way in hell I'd think about going to talk with Jasper. What would we talk about, our addictive behavior? The fact that when he was having sex with those girls, I wanted to know what it'd really feel like instead of achieving release with my hand? Yes, that'd go over real well.

At eleven however, I couldn't take it anymore and I finally retreated to my room and had to force myself to fall asleep. It took a few hours, but I eventually did it.

********

People seem to not know the concept of sleeping in around here. Even though it was a holiday and neither Carlisle nor Esme were working, they were up by seven and running around the house like madmen. Honestly, what the hell were they doing? Cleaning? I doubt it, the house was always so pristine. The tenth time they passed my door, I got my answer.

"They're plane gets in at ten so we should leave soon honey." Esme's voice floated in. Ah, so that's what was up. They were readying themselves for the arrival of Esme's sister and family. As much as I hate the fact that more people are coming, I have a feeling that it's going to be an interesting weekend. Who knows, maybe by having his family here I'll be able to learn about what really happened to Jasper, find out what makes him tick.

As much as I keep telling myself I want nothing to do with him, a big part of me wants to know his secret. Why, it's simple really. I'm a curious bitch, plain and simple. All traces of the sweet, meek Bella died a long time ago. I was already on my way down before they sent me to the hospital, before my mom died. Something tells me that wasn't the case with Jasper. Having lost his sister, someone that he probably loved more than anything, that would be enough to make someone go crazy. To that extent, I understand where he's coming from, what he's dealing with.

I wonder if Jasper and I had met under different circumstances say, in the hospital, would we still have this blunt hatred for one another. That's a big 'what if' question that I will never know the answer to so it's not even worth mulling over.

Esme and Carlisle left ten minutes later, the house falling silent. Not wanting to deal with everything outside, I allowed myself to sleep for another hour. I knew they wouldn't be back soon, if they were driving to a big airport.

I woke back up at ten and as much as I wanted to sleep more, I knew my uncle wouldn't be too pleased if I was still in my pajamas when his guests arrived. Esme was so organized and put together and it would come as no surprise if her sister was the same.

Showering, I rummaged through my closet trying to find something suitable to wear. It was summer, the Fourth of July Actually so I figured wearing shorts would be alright. I had one dress in that closet, but why the hell would I wear a dress? It was pink, I fucking hated pink. In the midst of slipping on my favorite white shorts, I quickly pulled them back down and reached for that damn dress. I don't know why, something just nagged at me to do so. It still had the tags on it from when Esme bought it two weeks ago. Slipping it on, it hit an inch or two above my knees. Indulging for a second, I twirled in front of the mirror before erupting into laughter.

"God mom, if you could see me." I laughed alone, looking at my reflection. It actually wasn't bad. It was a summer dress, in a shade of pink that was darker than I looked on the hanger. It was strapless, but I didn't feel too exposed. I actually liked the way my hair flowed around it. For a second, I felt extremely girly and a part of me enjoyed it.

In the midst of laughter, there were suddenly tears as I continued to look at myself. Mom had always wanted me to wear dresses, but I never caved. Now, here I was…wearing a fucking dress!

_Don't cry over something you can't change. _That was something they told us in the hospital, when this girl would scream in the middle of the night. They said that what happened in the past, there's nothing we can do about it. Was it harsh? Maybe so, but it was true.

Snapping out of my potential breakdown, I finished getting dressed before venturing downstairs. I glanced towards Jasper's door, relieved to see it was closed. I hope that meant he was still in there. He wasn't in the kitchen so I was able to enjoy the apple juice and toast I made. Cooking wasn't really my forte so I was sort of helpless in that department.

Around eleven, they still weren't back and Jasper hadn't showed his face so I opted to watch TV. It was on the _Lifetime _Movie Network and I smiled. This shit was my guilty pleasure. Even if the movies were crappy and overdramatic, I love watching them. Growing up I had watched with my mom and even when I was in the hospital. Throughout everything, that stupid station had been one of the only constants in my life. Pretty pathetic I suppose, but I didn't care.

Sitting back, I curled up with the blanket lying there and soon became engrossed with the movie. I had watched _Dying to Dance _a good ten times and it never got old. It was a movie about a ballerina who would do anything to be perfect and come out on top. It was depressing as hell, but I loved it.

The movie was almost over when I heard the front door open. I didn't even look up, but I knew who it was. I heard my uncle and Esme, followed by the sound of some other voices. From what I heard, there was a woman and two guys. I was silently relived that there wasn't kids running in behind them. I wasn't exactly kid friendly, they drove me crazy to be honest.

"Bella!" A cheery Carlisle walked into the living room along, the rest coming in behind him. "There you are dear."

"Yea, hey." I switched off the television and stood up, fixing my dress that had ridden up a little bit.

_Real classy Bella. _What, at least I fixed it right?

"Bella honey, come here." Esme waved me over and I complied to her request, soon coming to stand beside her. "I want you to meet my sister. Elizabeth this Bella." She wrapped her arm around my shoulders lovingly. Esme's sister stepped forward and smiled warmly at me.

"It's very nice to meet you honey." Her voice was soft, like Esme. She was taller than her sister, but with the same complexion and hair. Stepping closer, she wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek. "Esme was right, you are a very beautiful young lady." When she pulled away, she winked and I smiled at her nervously. What was up with this lady? She was a bit _too _friendly. Guess the term personal space didn't exist in Elizabeth nor Esme's vocabulary.

I was introduced to her husband next, but I barely heard his name when I saw the person standing behind them. Leaning against the wall, hands shoved into his pockets, stood hands down someone who clearly wasn't real. Doing a double take, I caught him looking at me the second time.

_Yea, this guy isn't real if he's staring at me like that. _

"This is my son," Elizabeth turned towards the guy and he came forward "Edward, don't be rude. Say hello."

Wait what? If this was her son, then that meant that Edward was…related to Jasper. Great, and here I thought…

"Hello," He took my hand that was stuck to my side, shook it and in a complete Cary Grant move, kissed it. "It's nice to meet you Bella." Smiling up at me, I nodded like an idiot. Oh, this guy was good. Too fucking good, no wonder he and Jasper were related. Was there some magic tonic these women were drinking to produce these womanizers? Shit, this was so crazy.

"Oh Jasper there you are!" My hand dropped from Edward's the second Jasper's presence was announced. Standing at the bottom of the stairs, his eyes flickered between Edward and I for a second before coming into the living room to greet his family. He spoke respectively to his aunt and uncle, but when he turned towards Edward, his entire demeanor changed.

"Edward." His greeting was cold as he glared at his cousin.

"Jasper," he responded "It's nice to see you again, man. It's been too long." He wasn't fazed by Jasper's attitude, keeping his cool.

"Not long enough." I didn't know what their deal was, but talk about family drama.

That's when it hit me. Looking at the two boys quickly, it all clicked. I looked up at Edward again and the second I saw him, my stomach clenched. I knew right then, he was the one.

Edward was going to be my way to get under Jasper's skin. I had been waiting, thinking of something that I could do to him that would get him back for all the shit he had been pulling.

Was it a low blow, wanting to use Jasper's _cousin _to get back at him? Probably, but the bastard deserved it. Like I had told him, he fucked with the wrong girl and I wasn't going to let him forget it.

Besides, Edward was absolutely fucking gorgeous, not like those skanks Jasper had brought to the house. No, if I was going to do this, you better believe I'd snag the hottest guy I could find. Luckily for me, he had just stepped into the living room.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted Edward. If possible, I'd let him take me right here on the damn couch, but I knew that was impossible. Edward looked like a guy with morals. My only hope was that he wouldn't turn me down or worse, was in a relationship back home. He'd never go for it if that was the case. No, I needed him to be single, horny and to fuck me, hard.

Thinking about his hands and what they were capable of, I about fucking lost it on the spot. But God, it was those lips and hair that were completely sending me over the edge in my sudden Edward fantasy. I could only imagine what kind of guy he was in the bed. I hoped he wasn't overly romantic. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but I needed him to be a bit aggressive. Shit, with that face, I'd let him bite me if wanted to. Bite me, fuck me…long as he could make me scream.

I was suddenly finding myself in a rather compromising position. I was feeling rather hot and bothered in places that I wanted Edward to satisfy later.

"Well, the four of us are going to head out." Esme's voice pulled me straight out of my fantasies. Wait, what did she say?? "These two want to get a head start on the festivities." She glanced over at her sister and her husband.

I just about jumped for fucking joy when she said that. I thought I'd have to wait until later to put this plan in motion, but luck must be on my side today.

"Make sure to show Edward around, take him down to the beach." Esme waved her hand at Jasper and I. I nodded, Jasper smirked. Moody bastard.

"Yes, you kids have a good time while we're gone." Edward's mother kissed my cheek and hugged the two boys.

_Oh, I'll show him a good time alright. _They left soon after that, leaving the three of us standing in the living room.

"So," Edward stepped closer to me, Jasper watching like a hawk behind us "we going to have some fun today dear Bella?"

_Hell fucking yes! _"I think so." I peered up at him through my eyelashes, playing the innocent card with him. He seemed to fall for it, but something told me he wasn't as innocent as he seemed.

His face lit up in an adorable half grin and I about jumped him. How was it possible that every little thing, made me react this way? Honestly, I didn't care. He was hot, he was interested and I wasn't about to disappoint.

"You coming Jasper?" Edward turned his head back towards Jasper for a second, waiting for his answer.

_Please say no…_ "Yea, I'm coming." _Oh, what the fuck! _

As the three of us headed out, I felt an arm slip around my bare shoulders. Looking up, Edward was staring right back down at me. Hearing Jasper mutter something under his breath was just the thing I needed to push forward. I, rather coyly, leaned into his warm embrace.

_Damn he smells good. _

Oh yea, it was official. Operate seduce Edward was in full effect! Though, with the way he was looking at me, I was wondering if I'd be the one who was going to be seduced.

At any rate, as long as we ended up in my room at the end of the night, I didn't care who do it.

Jasper was about to get a taste of his own medicine.

God, revenge was going to be so fucking sweet.

* * *

_Teaser for Ch 10: "Hit me," I hissed "I know you want to fucking do it." _

_

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_**Note to Jasper: Don't mess with Bella. **

**I LOVED her reaction to Edward. lol.I love her, bet you didn't peg her as a _Lifetime _girl huh?  
**

**Feed the addiction, review my loves!  
**


	10. Tear You Apart

**AN: You guys are completely and utterly amazing!! I was so floored with the reviews last chapter! I had planned on posting this later, but being as you all inspired me greatly, you're getting it sooner. A bunch of sexiness is what you're about to get. At least, I hope so! **

**I have to say, to my amazing friend Lindsey, who told me I had a 'dark & dirty' side I love her! Lol. I hope I've been able to addict you all to my addicts!**

**Enjoy. Oh man, I really wish I owned Edward and Jasper in this chapter. Sweet Jesus!**

* * *

**Chapter 10: Tear You Apart**

**Either way he wanted her and this was bad  
Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy  
Now a little crush turned into a like  
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her**

**I want to hold you close  
Skin pressed against me tight  
Lie still, and close your eyes girl  
So lovely, it feels so right**

**I want to hold you close  
Soft breath, beating heart  
As I whisper in your ear  
I want to fucking tear you apart**

**Bella**

You know those guys in high school? The ones who are smart, hot and fucking unattainable?

Well, Edward was two of those things. First thing I got out of him was that he was _very _single. I couldn't understand why though. Whatever, it was my gain.

All day, it had been non stop flirting between the two of us. Everywhere from the small café we had lunch at to the hanging around the beach for hours. All the while though, I was well aware of the fact that Jasper was watching my every move. Every time Edward made me laugh, he smirked. Every time he touched me gently, Jasper's eyes narrowed with anger.

At the beach, when I 'accidently' tripped and Edward caught me, Jasper walked away.

You know what though? I fucking loved every second of it.

On top of him being insanely gorgeous, he was extremely smart and witty. He even got my odd sense of humor. He told me all kinds of things and I listened with attentive ears. He asked me things here and there, but avoided anything mention of my mother. Either he had been schooled before arriving here or merely knew of her death, I wasn't sure. At any rate, I was thankful for it.

Returning back to the house around seven, everyone was still out and I knew that it was now and never.

Looping my arm through Edward's, I started pulling him towards the stairs, a small smile on my face. Not only did he understand, but he eagerly came with me, a smile of his own gracing those full lips.

Lips that, as soon as I closed the door behind me were attacking my own. Squeaking in surprise, I clumsily kicked my shoes off and he did the same before finding our way to each other.

Pressed against the wall, I allowed him to have a bit of fun. I had spent all day working him and now I just wanted to enjoy it. _Thank GOD for guys and their raging hormones. _

Edward was a fucking fabulous kisser. Those lips, like I had imagined them, were perfection. This was no innocent kiss either. No, the second I felt him tracing my bottom lip, silently asking for entry, I gave it to him. Mingling, his taste was incredible and it made me wonder what other parts of him would taste like.

_Note to self: I would find out. _

Lips weren't the only things being kissed and sucked. After a few minutes, they ventured lower, skimming over my throat and eventually that spot right around my collarbone. The second I felt him there, my hands immediately shot up into his hair, pressing him as tightly as I could against the spot. Yea, it felt _that _fucking good.

"Bella," He pulled away from me quickly, lifting his head to meet my gaze again "can I ask you something?"

_What the hell?_ "Mhm." Was I all I could manage.

"There's always been this...shit, this fantasy of mine where...well, biting a girl...with those marks you have...well, I thought...yea, you know..." he stammered and when I finally pieced it together, my eyes widened and my hands dropped from those tousuled locks.

Did he just ask...was he saying he wanted to fucking play out this fantasy of his with _me_? Oh dear God please let that be what he meant.

My silence, however, threw him off. "Shit, Bella I'm so sorry!" He took my face in his hands, kissing my forehead. "I shouldn't have asked you that…god, I'm an idiot!" He shook his head, disgusted with himself.

"Edward," I finally found my voice "don't apologize. It's just no one's ever _asked _me something like that before." God, this guy had impeccable manners!

"But…"

Pressing a finger to his lips, I stopped him. " No buts because that is quite possibly the hottest fucking thing I have ever heard." Smiling I removed my finger, grabbed his shirt and pulled him back against me. "do it." Leaning down he kissed my cheek quickly, smiling against my skin before picking me up. My legs wrapped around his waist when he re-pinned me against the wall. Pushing the hem of my dress up, his hands ran up and down my legs, creating such amazing friction in other parts of my body. The growing need for this guy to be inside of me grew with each second, but first things first.

_I _had a fantasy to fulfill.

His hands traveled back up over my stomach and chest, grabbing my hands along the way. With my legs around him tightly, he was able to pin our hands up on either side of my face. Oh, fuck I didn't picture Edward being the dominant one in this fantasy.

Lips moved against mine for another minute before then ghosted back down towards my neck. No one had ever bitten me before so I didn't know exactly what was to come, but shit when I felt his teeth graze lightly over my skin, I moaned so loudly that I felt the vibration in my chest and I'm sure he felt it too.

And then he fucking did it. It was fast, but it felt so damn good. It reminded me somewhat of how when I seared myself with the cigerattes. It was painful, but pleasureable as hell.

"Fuck me" I laughed breathlessly when he released my hands, pressing his own lightly against my neck, licking the spot he had just bitten. It stung a bit, but I knew it was going to leave a fucking beautiful mark.

He laughed against my skin, his breath sending excitement all throughout my body. I wanted, no I _needed _him now. "Of course dear Bella." Almost as if he had read my mind, he pulled us away from the wall, carrying me straight towards my bed and laying me gently on the middle of the mattress. Shoes long gone, he quickly pulled my dress over my head and I silently thanked Esme for making me buy this black lacy bra and matching boy shorts to go with it. Though, I doubt she thought I'd be wearing them when I fucked her nephew.

His eyes took me in eagerly, lingering on every curve as well as burn mark. He didn't say anything though nor did he look disgusted. Either they didn't bother him or his mother had raised him right. Sitting back, he started undoing the buttons of his shirt. I quickly sat up and stopped him.

"Let me." I swatted his hands away, undoing them as quickly as I could without just ripping it off of him. Truth be told, guys in button down shirts were such a fucking turn on. With every inch of exposed skin I discovered, I kissed it until his shirt was off and tossed somewhere behind him. Taking in his upper half, I kissed and touched whatever I could. Reaching for the clasp of his jeans with one hand, my other trailed down to press agaisnt the denim clothed bulge he was sporting for me. The moment I did, he stood quickly off the bed, pants and boxers dropping in one swift movement.

Kneeling on the bed, I twirled my hair and cocked my head to the side as I took him in. Batting my lashes and licking my lips, I silently let him know that I was liking what was in front of me. He rejoined me quickly on the bed, hands expertly removing my bra. He kissed and toyed with the newly exposed flesh for a couple minutes, but it was clear that he was eager to do more. Pushing me back, he hooked his fingers before removing the last piece of clothing I was wearing. Lifting my hips for him, he slid them off effortlessly. Taking in my naked form, it was his turn to lick his lips. Lowering his head, he skimmed his nose over my hipbone, traveling across my stomach to repeat his action. His hair tickled me and I bit back my giggles.

He moved lower and as desperately as I wanted him to do it, I had a sudden change of heart. No, if I wanted revenge, I wanted Jasper to hear what he would could _never _have.

"Babe," I grabbed his face, lifting it so he could see me "let me return the favor from earlier okay?"

Lifting an eyebrow, he allowed me to wiggle out from under him. We switched, him laying on his back, hands behind his head as he watched me. Kissing my way down his chest, I noted that he was flawless. There was no scar or anything adoring that perfect chest of his. Why I cared was beyond me, but it just caught my attention. It still didn't take away from the fucking hotness factor though. Especially when I reached my destination, my prize if you will. If I was being honest, I didn't exactly have much experience when it came to this, but I knew enough. I was just hoping that'd be enough to make it work.

Lowering my head slowly, I peered up at him through my eyelashes before just as slowly taking him in. I was no pro, but I was able to take him all. A fact that didn't do underappreciated.

"Bella." He groaned loudly as soon as my tongue swirled around the tip before reaching a rhythm and movement that I was comfortable with. When I felt something grip my hair, I knew I was doing a good job. I had purposely fanned my hair out around him, knowing that it'd turn him on. It did and he soon was tugging on my hair roughly. Though it should've hurt, it only made me go faster.

"Fuck!" He moved his hips, pushing himself closer. I took him. _Fuck yea, I need to make this guy scream. _I knew he was close, but needed one more push. I had seen enough movies and heard enough talk to know. Parting my lips a bit wider, I let my teeth graze the underside of him and that's when I felt it.

"Bella!…oh, fuck me." My name sounded so sweet coming from him. Twitching, it wasn't long before he let go. He gave, and swallowed every last bit he offered me. Fuck I was right. He _did _taste good. Sick, twisted…I got turned on even more. Crawling back up at him I kissed him hard and he returned it by sucking on my top lip, his hands gripping my ass as he pulled me closer.

"Fuck me Edward." I purred in his ear and he nodded.

Lust filled eyes stared at me. "Top or bottom?" _What! Such the fucking gentleman. God this guy was unreal!!_

"Bottom," I answered quickly "fucking take me Edward." If that sounded completely desperate or not I didn't care because truthfully, I wanted him to take me….and take me hard. Wanted him to do things that Jasper could never even dream of getting.

Flipping us quickly, he pushed my legs apart with his knee. "Ready?"

Nodding quickly, he pushed himself fully into me in one swift movement.

"_Shit_!" I hissed, throwing my head back at the feel of him merely inside of me. I didn't waste any time, I moved my hips against him and he started moving in and out, up and down at a rate that I was almost unable to keep up with. The pleasure this guy was making me feel was unreal. "Harder Edward." I wound my arms around his neck, biting his bottom lip. Groaning, he hitched one of his legs around his waist and began hitting me from a completely different angle. Gasping for air, the only sound in the room after that were the slew of 'oh fucks' and moaning. Okay, I might have gone overboard with the moaning, but they weren't far off. He was hitting every spot in a woman's body that sent them into complete overdrive.

"Please, oh god!" I screamed, feeling my entire body beginning to tremble. Still pushing in and out, I felt myself clenching around him. _Oh fuck, so much better than doing this alone!_

I let go, screaming incoherent words and sounds. He came soon after, pulling my body up tightly to his as his release coursed through his body. _His second release by the way. Take that you cocky bastard down the hall_…

We collapsed, the two of us breathing erratically and heavily. I had my eyes closed, coming down from everything when I felt him running his hand over my cheek.

Pushing some of my matted hair off my face, my eyes fluttered open to look at him. He was staring right back at me with a ridiculously cute crooked smile. "That was fucking amazing." Leaning down, I kissed him softly. "I couldn't agree more." I wasn't lying. It _was _amazing, beyond words actually.

Not wanting there to be a chance of the awkward after sex talk, I ran my hands through his hair. "I should get dressed." When he eyed me funny, I smiled. "What if your parents show up?"

"Good point." He pursed his lips "Can I at least stay in here with you? I'm not ready to leave quite yet." With a curve of his lips, I couldn't deny him anything really. Nodding, he allowed me to slip out form under him and I hopped off the bed. Reaching for my dress, he cleared his throat.

"Another fantasy moment?" He eyed the discarded button down on the ground.

Sauntering over to the shirt, I slipped it on and buttoned half the buttons, leaving enough for him to enjoy the view. "These things are such a turn on aren't they?" Fixing the sleeves, I grabbed my underwear while he slipped his boxers back on. Once somewhat resettled, he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly there for a bit. It felt amazing, it was almost like he cared about me.

He was a nice guy and it pained me a bit to know that I had just used him. I just hoped he would never know that. I wanted him to like me, not think I was this heartless bitch. Which okay maybe I was, but for this moment I didn't want to be that Bella. If only for just a minute, I wanted to feel wanted and whole.

So much for wishful fucking thinking right? Not even five minutes of standing there with this seemingly perfect man, did my door swing open and slam against the wall. Jumping slightly, I turned around slowly.

Jasper was in the doorway, hands across his chest and lips pressed in a tight line. _He was pissed and damn he looked sexy as fuck. _

"A word?" His voice was detached. My feet moving on their own accord, I followed him outside after kissing Edward quickly. Shutting the door softly behind me I stood and waited.

"Have fun?"

I remembered my plan as soon as that smirk graced his face. "Yes."

"He make you feel good?"

_Wasn't expecting that one_. "I…what's it to you?"

He laughed. Cold, emotionless he stepped closer to me. "Did you honestly think that fucking my cousin would make me jealous?"

"It's working isn't it?" I could see it in his eyes. He was seething with hatred and jealously.

"Why would it? Edward was just desperate to get laid and you were practically throwing yourself at him. I fail to see how that would make _me _jealous."

"If it didn't, you wouldn't be out here." That cut him short. I knew his games, I wasn't stupid. "It's alright Jasper. To know that you can never get what he just did. I know, it's rough isn't it?" I plastered an innocent smile on my face. "To know how he made me scream, something you could _never _do."

That sent him over the brink. In a second, my back was coming in contact with the wall, the two of us only inches apart. I didn't break his gaze as he stared at me. "You bitch." he seethed.

"I told you," I shrugged, watching him "you fucked with the wrong girl. And now it looks like your cousin fucked the right one."

Anger swelled in his eyes and I saw his fist clench at his side, trembling slightly. It slightly scared and exhilarated me.

I decided to play with him some more. "Hit me," I hissed "I know you fucking want to."

He shut his eyes. "No."

"You're weak." I spat and his eyes snapped open.

"Listen _Bella_," My name laced with venom "I'm _not _weak. Do you fucking understand me!" He raised his voice, but I didn't flinch.

"You sure look like you're losing it to me. Now if you excuse me, I have someone waiting for me." Ducking out away from him, I made my way towards the bedroom, the corners of my lips twisting into a sly smile. Closing the door behind me, I spotted Edward sitting on the edge of my bed. A peculir look on his face, I felt my stomach drop before he even opened his mouth.

"You…slept with me out of revenge?" _Oh, fucking hell. _He seemed confused and hurt. I didn't want to lie to Edward, he was a good guy who got sucked into this twisted game.

"Edward, I..." _I what, can explain? That shit isn't going to work here Bella. _

"Just tell me Bella." He stood, coming to me, his voice soft.

"I…fuck, yes." I caved, biting my lip as I fought the lump in my throat. God damn it! I had hurt him. I could see it.

He ran a hand through his hair. "Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do now." Stepping around me, he opened my door and closed it behind him.

Wait where the hell was he going??

_Fuck me what had I just done?_

_

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Teaser for Ch 11: I laughed. "All is fair in hatred and fucking."

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**Hot damn! Well, I'm going to sit back and eagerly & anxiously wait to see what you all thought. **

**Your reviews are really my inspiration. That, and it's my birthday tomorrow so...leave me some my loves!! **

**Anyone else love Edward in this chapter? Just saying. **


	11. Someone Must Get Hurt

**AN: You guys once again were completely amazing last chapter! Your reviews were an awesome birthday gift, lol! With everything being said, this story is taking a deliciously unexpected detour that I'm actually excited about and I hope you will be too. **

**Hope you enjoy this next chapter; Jasper's mind is such an interesting place to be. **

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****Chapter 11: Someone Must Get Hurt**

**How can I trust you? How could you need me now?  
Its getting to be so cold, old  
The decision is in that I won't break  
You cut and you run with our lives at stake  
Well, someone might get hurt and it won't be me  
The decision is in there will be no fight  
It might sound cold but I know its right  
'Cause someone must get hurt and it won't be me**

**Jasper**

You know the saying keep your friends close, but your enemies closer? Well fuck, no one ever said anything about that rule applying to your own damn family.

I knew that having family coming to stay for a few days would be a fucking bad idea. Just, not for the reason I thought. I had nothing against my aunt Elizabeth. Sure she was a bit touchy and overly nice like Esme, but it was her son who I had a problem with.

Yea, Edward and I used to be close when we were younger when they were still living in California. Even after they moved up to Washington, we still kept in touch. Being the only guy my age in the family, we naturally were the closest.

Everything was great between us, until the night Rosalie died. Edward, like most other people in our family, blamed me for her death. Which I _was _the one to fucking blame, but I would've thought that Edward would've stayed by my side. He, more than anyone, knew what I was going through. He knew that I had been trying to kick my habit, knew how hard it was for me and yet he still turned his back on me.

At the funeral he barely spoke to me. He was overcome over the loss of my sister, and let me know it. I hadn't spoken to him since then so when I saw him, all these buried emotions came flying forward.

Those emotions only intensified when I saw him set his eyes on Bella. Edward and I had always been able to bring in any girl we wanted. We were just fucking talented like that I guess. Edward had always been a one woman girl though, and Bella? She was exactly the kind of girl he usually fell for. Meek and beautiful, Bella definitely fit the bill. On the outside that was.

Little did he know that the bitch was crazy and I had no problem and letting him think he had a chance with her, let him get sucked into that girl's shit and drama.

Though, as the day progressed and I saw how she was acting towards him, I knew that this flirting shit was going both ways. I figured out what she was up to before we even came back to the house. Every time she smiled and laughed, I knew it was leading to one thing and one thing only. I had to admit though, the girl put on one hell of a show. Her laughter actually seemed genuine and everything that came out of Edward's mouth, she ate it right up. She was completely impressed I'm sure over the fact that Edward was planning on going to law school after he graduated. That had always been his dream ever since we were younger. Edward was a world class bullshitter and Bella was entranced to say the very least. At least, that's how she was acting.

I knew she was going to fuck him and he'd go along willingly. I knew this and yet, I still stayed in the house. Why, because I'm a perverted motherfucker. I _wanted _to hear them, wanted to see just what little Bella had up her sleeve. If she thought that sleeping with Edward would make me jealous, she had another thing coming. I couldn't care less. Edward was no prize, he was just an easy lay.

Even so, I wanted to know. Sitting in my room, door wide open, I listened.

Their voices were muffled at first so whatever they said in those first five minutes I didn't hear, but the second I heard a loud moan float down the hall I felt myself instantly getting hard.

Fuck! This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to be gaining the upper hand by doing what I had been doing to her. This had been my plan damn it! It wasn't supposed to be backfiring on me all over again.

Things went silent for a few minutes, the sound of them moving around the only sound I heard. It wasn't hard to figure out what they were doing. They were taking it to the bed, not wanting to waste anymore time apparently.

Then I heard it. "Bella," Edward's moaning of her name was loud and clear "fuck!" Oh, no fucking way in hell. Fucking him was one thing, but she was actually in there giving that fucker a blow job?!

Straining against the denim of my jeans, I wasn't the only one having a reaction to this.

"Bella! Oh, fuck me!" He called her name again, louder and breathless. Shit, bitch must be good at giving head if he was responding that way. Edward was no actor so it's not like he would be making that shit up.

I couldn't take it anymore. As sick as it was, I couldn't just sit here and listen to those two and not do anything about it. I was past my pride, pretending that the sounds and actions coming from her room weren't having an effect on me.

My jeans were unclasped, but resting on my hips and my zipper pulled down quickly just as I heard Bella say "fuck me Edward."

"_Fuck me Jasper," _was what my mind heard as I leaned a bit back on the bed and started moving my hand up and down very slowly.

"Shit!" She cried and I shut my eyes. "Harder Edward." _"Harder Jasper!" _ Moving faster, my hand tried to keep up with her whimpers and moans. Every time she said 'oh fuck,' the need to find release grew.

Eyes still shut, I pictured her with me in this very room. I saw her on top, because the bitch liked being in control so much and I'd let her fucking have it. Hands on her hips, she would be moving at almost an erratic pace as I plunged deeper and harder into her. She could cry, leaning down to grip my shoulders and she increased her pace.

"Please, oh god!" _That's right baby! _She would throw her head back as I reached in between us and gave her that final little push to send her over the edge.

Screaming down the hall, I felt myself twitch before a white light exploded behind my eyelids and I came quick and hard.

Fucking hell! Not since that first day I met Bella had I come like that. Not even with those girls I had brought back to the house. Sure, they were good fucks but they were in no way compared to the girl down the hall.

Talk about fucking pathetic, I hadn't even _touched _that bitch let alone knew what being buried deep inside of her would feel like. But damn it, it was one hell of a fantasy.

Not wanting to let her think I had been affected in the slightest by her little sexcapade down the hall, I quickly cleaned up and readjusted myself before heading out down the hall. Breathing as normally as I could, I took slow and deliberate steps towards her room.

I didn't know exactly what I was going to tell her, but whatever it was faded away when I opened the door. Standing there, clad in only Edward's fucking shirt, was Bella. Not only that, she was wrapped up in his arms like the two of them were lovers or some shit.

That wasn't the case at all. Bella was a bitch and Edward and was an idiot.

Anger became the only emotion that I could convey the longer I looked at those two.

"A word?" My voice was icy. I knew she'd come though. Like myself, I knew she felt that damn push and pull between us.

I smirked when I looked at her. "Have fun?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Yes." Oh, so that's how she was going to play? Fine by me.

I took a step closer to her. "Did you honestly think that fucking my cousin would make me jealous?"

"It's working isn't it?" _Cocky much? This girl needed to be brought down from this confidence high she was on. _

I told her what I knew was true. Edward was desperate and she was practically grinding herself all over him all day.

Bitch caught on though, called me out on it. "It's alright Jasper. To know that you can never get what he just did. To know he made me scream, something you could never do."

Oh, Bella had no fucking idea the things I could to do to her. I could make her scream, forget every man she had ever been with and then some. Her smug attitude sent me over the edge and before I knew it, I had her pinned up against the wall.

"You fucked with the wrong girl and now it looks like your cousin fucked the right one." She was trying to be strong, but I could feel her strength falter when I pinned her. To be honest, she looked incredibly sexy stuck between myself and the wall. If I wasn't so pissed at her, I'd fucking kiss her. Hell, I'd kiss her now if I could.

_Why can't you? She's just a girl who's trying to beat you at your own game. Take her Jasper, you know can._

Shit, of course I knew I could.

As much as I wanted to give into all those damn hormonal desires coursing through my veins, her comment was fueling my anger even more. So much that I felt this sudden swell of possessiveness inside of me.

_Your cousin fucked the right girl. _

Fuck that, what made Edward so special! Hands shaking, I kept them planted at my side, trying to contain myself.

"Hit me," she hissed, her eyes dancing with fear and excitement "I know you fucking want to."

Well of course I wanted to! She was driving me fucking crazy and I wanted nothing more than to shut her ass up. I would never hit her though, not even I was that low. That and because somewhere down deep inside of me knew that Bella didn't deserve that, to be hit by some jackass who had started all of this. Though no one said she had to go along with it, she didn't exactly have the willpower to stop.

We were addicts after all, a fact that we never seemed to forget. You push a fellow addict, they're going to come back at you hard and with a vengeance.

I told her no, she called me weak. One thing I was not was weak! Raising my voice at her, she didn't even flinch. Instead, she moved and walked away from me and right back into the arms of Edward no doubt.

Fuck she was good. How could I not know that this girl would be good at this game too? She was an addict, and we didn't do shit halfway. She was fully invested in this, getting back at me. She was succeeding that was for sure!

I needed out and fast. Making sure I had a few pills in my pocket, I made my way downstairs and decided that my only escape would be the beach. Who knows, maybe I'd be lucky enough to score some girl down there. I wasn't looking for revenge right now, I just needed something or someone to release these emotions onto. Whatever girl I found, she'd never know. She'd just think I was some dominant guy giving her a good fuck that's all.

I didn't even make it to the damn door. Halfway crossing the living room, I heard someone yell my name. Someone who was definitely Edward. I knew I could leave before he came barreling down the stairs, but I didn't. Why, because I wasn't a coward. If he wanted to say something then so be it. He didn't scare me, I could take his ass any day.

Barely turning around, he was much closer than I expected him to be. Too close because his right fist hooked my jaw before I could blink.

_Damn when did this fucker get so strong? _I had always been the one who beat Edward up, defended him when we were younger. When did that all change? When did he become so tough? The bastard had caught me off guard. Fine, if he was looking for a fight, I would give him one.

Wasting no time, I grabbed him by his shirt and pushed him against the nearest wall I could find. He hit it with a loud thud, and he squeezed his eyes shut for a minute.

_Yea, just try and hit me again you idiot. _

When he opened them, his eyes were burning with anger. _What the fuck was he so angry about? _

"What did you do to her?" he spat, eyes never breaking from mine. "What did you to do Bella?"

His question was almost laughable. "What did _I _do to her? I think you got it all twisted Edward." I was still holding him against the wall, immobilizing him.

"You did something to her, you _hurt _her."

This time I laughed. "Is that what she told you?" Leave it up to Bella to make me the bad guy in all this. Sure I started it, but she wasn't little Miss innocent here. It was clear she was taking as much part in this game as I was.

"She didn't have to, I could see it in her eyes. I heard your conversation with her Jasper, you making her do all these twisted things…"

Oh, hell no! "No one's making her do anything Edward. In case you haven't noticed, Bella's just as fucked up as I am. Whatever things she told you, they were all I lies assure you. She's conniving and will say anything to get what she wants."

"Bella is nothing like you."

Loosening my grip, I backed up away from him. "We're both fucking addicts Edward, plain as that. Whatever it is you think you see in her, it doesn't exist. We destroy everything we touch."

"Then stay away from her. If she's going through something, she doesn't need you adding to her pain."

Why in God's name was he defending her? "What's with you man? You barely even know her!" I was both pissed at his defending her and the fact that he somehow had some connection with Bella.

"No, but I know you. I know you're still grieving Jasper, but don't drag her into this."

"What did you say?"

"I know that losing Rose was hard, but…" I didn't let him finish. Instead I punched that fucker, knocking the wind out of him and he stumbled a bit.

"Don't talk about Rosalie." I hit him again, harder. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about! You have no idea what it was like to see those assholes do what they did to her. They fucking killed my sister!"

He didn't flinch and I barely took notice to someone else coming down the stairs.

"Hurting Bella," He took a deep breath "it won't bring her back Jasper. Taking your anger and hatred out on her isn't going to solve anything."

Like hell it didn't! Why, because the more I fought with the Bella, the less I thought about my sister and everything that happened to her. Making Bella hate me would just confirm what I already know about myself. I was a selfish bastard who broke everything and everyone that crossed my path. I _had _to break her, there was no other option.

If I broke her I was still strong, still on top. If she broke me, then I was weak.

"You don't know anything Edward. You're just some guy who came to visit over the weekend. You're not my family, not by a fucking long shot."

He seemed stunned by that comment. "What does that supposed to mean?"

"It means," I stepped towards him again "you're dead to me. That day you turned your back on me, when I needed someone there…." No, I refused to go down this path with him right now. I wouldn't allow myself to relive all these memories.

"Oh, I fucking knew it." A new voice joined the conversation, causing Edward and I to turn around. It was Bella. She was standing there, fully dressed with her arms across her chest.

"Knew what?" I was still pissed at her.

"That all of this," she gestured towards me "had to do with your sister."

Oh, hell. It was one thing for Edward to mention Rosalie, but for Bella to say something about her it was too much. Leaving Edward behind, I crossed the room and gripped her upper arms tightly. "Don't you _ever _talk about her." Shaking her arms slightly, she remained silent.

"Back off her Jasper," Edward's hand was on my shoulder, pulling me back roughly "leave her alone."

Smirking, I turned slightly to look at my cousin. "Was she really that good of a fuck Edward that you're suddenly defending her every move? Because let me tell you, this bitch is poison and she's not worth it."

A soft intake of breath caused me to snap my attention back to Bella. She was still void of any emotion, but her bottom lip seemed to be quivering a little bit.

_Oh look what you've fucking done now. _

"I…" she stammered somewhat "don't fucking talk about me like that." She mustered, her brown eyes seemingly staring straight through me. How the hell did she do that!

"And why's that dear Bella?" I quickly pushed away the fact that I just used the word 'dear' before her name. "After all, all's fair in hatred and fucking right? I started it so you thought you could finish it? Oh how you're sweetly mistaken."

"Jasper," Edward called me again, his hand still on my shoulder "get away from her."

"No, not until you know what kind of girl she really is."

"Jasper, don't." Bella's voice was softer as she looked over at us. Was she fucking scared of being called out on her addictive behavior? If she was then shit, this was even better than I thought. I was slowly gaining the upper hand again.

"Don't want Edward to know that you…"

"What is going on here!"A slightly hysterical and slurred female voice called and all three of us turned our heads towards the front door. Low and behold, everyone had returned back to the house at that very moment.

It was clear they had walked in on an extremely tense moment. Edward's hand on me, my hands on Bella and Bella looking paler than usual all pointed to signs of emotional distress.

I released Bella first, Edward stepping towards her a second later. I watched as he placed a hand on her cheek and she fucking leaned into it!

"Jasper, Bella I need to speak to the both of you now." Carlisle stepped forward, clearly the one with the clearest mind. Esme as at his side, nodding her head in agreement with her husband. As Bella and I slowly walked over towards them, my aunt Elizabeth rushed to Edward's side and started flaying her arms about in an inebriated fashion.

"Edward honey your hair!" she laughed "did you have sex?!" When he didn't answer, she laughed and squealed again. "She's quite the looker Edward!" She was beyond smashed and I would've laughed at her, if it wasn't Bella they were talking about and I could actually stomach looking at Edward.

They continued their animated conversation, Bella and I walked into the kitchen behind Carlisle and Esme.

Standing as far away from me as possible, I was still able to notice something forming on her neck. It was read, but it wasn't a normal mark. No, it was a fucking bite mark. What that hell? Since when was Edward into the kinky shit? It was breathtaking mark to say the very least, a surge of jealously flowing through me at the thought of it being him who gave it to her and not me.

_Who's winning this game now Jasper?_ _She's got you so twisted it's fucking pathetic. Man up!_

Oh, she was nowhere near winning this. My original intention to break her was still number on my list. Only this time, there was a hint of spite thrown in there. If she think that she could fuck Edward and rub it in my face, then I was just going to have to show the bitch who was boss.

If someone was going to get hurt and broken down, it sure as fuck wasn't going to be me.

"Now," Carlisle's voice snapped me out of my planning. "Would you two mind telling us what the hell had been going on with the two of you?"

Well here we fucking go again. Addict lecture number seventy five. Can't fucking wait.

* * *

_Teaser for Ch 12: "He's right, I'm a fucking poisonous addict." Fidgeting on the bed I avoided_

_eye contact for fear of what he'd say next.  
_

**

* * *

Tsk, tsk. Oh Jasper. He & Edward def. have some family issues. I can't even count the number times Jasper called Bella a bitch in this chapter. Oh, he's twisted alright.  
**

**Review my loves, I'm addicted to what you think of my addicts.  
**


	12. Here I Am

**AN: So apparently a lot of you have taken a liking to Edward in this story. Which, that's fine by me. I have a low tolerance level for him personally, but even I like him here. Go figure. **

**This will be his second to last appearance in this story however. So, I hope you enjoy it. **

**I have to say a big thank you to **_**JaspersPrincess213 & ElleCC**_** who went and reviewed every single chapter over the past week. You are amazing and you should definitely check out their work!!**

**

* * *

****Chapter 12: Here I Am**

**This is a crazy world,  
These can be lonely days,  
It's hard to know who's on your side,****Most of the time,**

**Who can you really trust,  
Who do you really know,  
Is there anybody out there,  
Who can make you feel less unknown,  
Sometimes you just can't make it on your own**

**Bella**

Oh, well this was just fucking great. The _last _thing I needed right now was to get another lecture from my uncle and his overly understanding wife. Even worse, I was standing no more than five feet away from Jasper. I didn't want to be anywhere near that asshole, especially after that comment he had just made about me in the living room.

'_The bitch is poison and she's not worth it.'_

I felt faint even thinking about it. How dare he say something like that to me! Who was he to say something so vile and cruel?! He had no idea. At the same time, I was completely fixated on what he had said, allowing him once again to get inside of my mind and mess with me. Damn it, I hated this guy with a passion. He was making me weak, hurting me more than I was willing to admit. Why, just because we had these addictive tendencies? That's bullshit, something was seriously wrong with Jasper.

"Well," Carlisle stood with Esme at his side "which one of you is going to talk first?"

"There's nothing to tell." Jasper tried to brush this off. What an idiot. He actually thought would work?

"Jasper, honey please just tell us. We want to help you, but we can't if you refuse to talk to us." Esme looked on the verge of tears.

"I don't need your fucking help and I don't need you two pretending you know what's going on when you don't have a clue."

He actually had a point. Not that I would ever agree with him though. As much as Carlisle and Esme were trying to be these rational adults who wanted to help, they had no idea. Sure Carlisle probably saw his share of addicts and crazies, but they weren't involved in a twisted game under his own roof.

"Do you agree with him Bella?" Glancing over at Jasper, he wasn't looking at me. I turned to face my uncle, who was waiting for my response.

"I want nothing to do with him."

"Is that why you fucked Edward?" Jasper spat, Esme's face dropping a bit as she looked at me in almost shock. Really? Could she not piece that together earlier?

"What I do isn't any of your business. I don't care about all those sluts you bring in here and have sex with so don't give me any shit about what I do."

"Wait," Carlisle held up his hand "the two of you need to slow down, now."

"Why?" Jasper and I asked at the same time, him rolling his eyes at me. "What business is it to you?"

"You two are engaging in reckless and dangerous behavior. You shouldn't be acting like this, especially given your conditions."

"Oh, and what's that?" Jasper was loving every second of this, I just knew it. I on the other hand wanted to get the hell out there.

"It's…_addictive_." He sighed. "What the two of you are doing, it isn't going to make everything go away."

"Oh here we fucking go!" I finally had it. "Look, can you please spare me the addict lecture Carlisle? I'm pretty sure that Jasper and I know that we're fucked up without you constantly throwing it in our faces. If you really want to help, then why don't you keep your opinion for the hospital and leave me the hell alone?"

"Bella," he stepped closer to me and I moved away, wrapping my arms around myself "please."

"I don't need," my voice cracked "your help. Please, just leave me alone." Turning, I walked out of that kitchen, avoiding looking over at Edward and his parents who were still in the living room and headed straight towards my room.

If there was one thing I couldn't handle it was confrontation. I fucking hated it! Ever since I was younger, I could never deal with people coming at me from all sides. I tried to play it off and pretend that I didn't care what people said, but damn it words effected me so much.

Shutting the door, I sat on the edge of the bed and just…did nothing. I couldn't think straight. Jasper's comment from downstairs was still lingering in my mind and wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried. Pulling my knees up to my chest I sat there and stared at the door for what seemed like forever. So fixated on it, I didn't even hear someone knocking on the door. By the time I saw it opening, it was too late. I had left it unlocked like an idiot and now whoever it was on the other side was walking right in.

"Go away." I muttered, resting my chin on my knees and closed my eyes. The person didn't respond to me, but rather just sat beside me. For a minute, there was complete silence.

"I don't believe what he said for a second." Feeling someone resting their hand on my back, I opened my eyes. Casting a sideways glance I found Edward staring right back at me, a sad smile on his seemingly gorgeous face.

"Don't," I shook my head "I don't need pity Edward. That's the last thing I need right now."

"Well," he scooted closer "what do you need then?"

I hadn't been expecting that. "Nothing."

He laughed, fucking laughed! "Come on Bella, you don't expect me to believe that do you? I know we don't exactly know each other all that well, but I can see that you're hurting. Which, I just added fuel to the fire by riling up Jasper."

_Hurting? _I scoffed. What an understatement. "I deal with my issues alone all the time so, you don't have to worry about me."

"That may be, but wouldn't you like for someone to be there for you? Even if just this once?"

_God, why does he have to be so damn perfect! _"You should stay far away from me Edward."

"Why's that?" His hand was still on my back, moving in slow circles. It was so comforting to me. I didn't understand this. In all of Carlisle's calm attempts to get me to talk to him, I blew him off. Now, with this virtual stranger sitting beside me, I was two seconds away from telling him every single detail of my pathetic life. It made no sense what so ever and I wasn't sure if I had the strength to understand why.

"Because of the kind of person I am."

"Bella, I told you that stuff Jasper said downstairs means nothing to me."

I shook my head again. "He's right. I'm a fucking poisonous addict." Fidgeting on the bed I avoided eye contact for fear of what he'd say next.

"Bella," his voice was suddenly firm, his hand leaving my back and grabbing my hands "do _not _let Jasper get the upper hand."

_What the fuck? _"Excuse me?" I turned so I could see him better.

"Jasper's always been about mind games. Especially as we got older, he always had to be the one in control so that no one could ever see him at his weakest. He's been doing this for years and I refuse to let him drag you into it."

_Too late. _"That may be, but I couldn't really stop even if I wanted to. This," I gestured towards myself "all the pain and shit I've done, it's not going to go away in a day."

"You don't deserve him treating you like that. You have nothing to do with his past."

_His past huh? _"Edward," I looked at him and feebly attempted to flirt "what happened to Jasper's sister?"

He visibly cringed at the mention of Jasper's sister. "It's really not my place to tell you that."

_So loyal._ "I won't tell."

He gave me a knowing look. "Yes you would Bella. You would use it to your advantage. As much as Jasper probably deserves it, I can't let you use his sister as ammo."

"You two act very protective of her, even though she's….well, you know."

He nodded. "I was very close to Rosalie and I loved her very much. To think that Jasper had a part in her death hurts so much. I know he didn't mean it, but he blames himself so much for what happened. I never blamed him, he just thinks I do. I wanted to try and help, I just didn't know how to. After she died, he started getting in deeper with drugs and before I knew it, I couldn't reach him anymore. That guy you see out there Bella? He's not the Jasper I know and grew up with. No, that guy is cold and vicious. Jasper was always compassionate and humble. He would do anything to protect the people he loves."

The look in Edward's eyes told me he was speaking the truth. "Why are you telling me this? Jasper hates you."

He shrugged. "Yea I know, but he's still family and I know deep down the non addict Jasper still exists."

"How can you be so sure?"

"There's good in everyone Bella." He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, kissing the top of my head. "Just how I know there's good in you too. You and Jasper have some issues, but so what. Who doesn't? People just deal differently."

_If only it were that simple. _"I was in a hospital." _Why in the hell did I just say that?? _

"That's alright."

"No, it's not alright. I didn't get better, they didn't cure me of all my issues. They're still present and clear as fucking day."

"It'll take time."

"Why are you so calm! I'm trying to tell you that I'm fucked up in the head and yet you're still right here!"

"I want to be there for you. I don't know what it is, something about you draws me in to you…I..um, well…"

Oh hell I couldn't do this. No fucking way. "Edward, stop. Look, you need to listen to me okay?" I moved from his grasp and stood up.

"I think it's really nice of you for seeing these things in me, but I'm telling you right now I'm _not _that girl. I've been this way for way to long that I don't think I can ever be the old Bella again. I'm really fucking sorry that I used you, I never meant to hurt you. You have to know that whatever happened, it can't ever be anything that the sex…it just can't. You'll be gone in two days and I'll probably never hear from you again which that's fine by me."

He ran a hand through that unruly hair and took a deep breath. "Not even friends?"

I don't know why, but the second he said it I started laughing. Laughing at him, no. There was just something about his attitude and his question that got me.

He was really unbelievable. I didn't even know what to say to that. I had just told him all these things and yet he still wanted to be friends!

"Is that a yes?"

"Edward, fuck I don't think I can handle having even friends right now."

"Does that mean that maybe someday you will?"

"You're fucking unbelievable you know that? I don't even know you!"

"Oh well," he grabbed me, pulling me so he could rest his hands on my hips "I think I know you pretty well."

So close to me I couldn't resist running my hand through his hair. "I don't even want to know anymore. I'm so sick of everything. Fuck it, I want to have some good in my life. Even if it's just for the next forty eight hours."

The cutest smile graced his lips when I said that. "Well then let's make the most of it shall we?"

"Ok." I honestly didn't care at the moment. If for the next two days all Edward wanted to do was have sex then I'd do it in a heartbeat because for the first time since my mom died, Edward was the only person who I felt I could trust. Why, I had no fucking clue but I wasn't about to question it. Life didn't make sense as it was so why not add some more complications to it? Not only did I feel I could trust him, but when I was around him I practically forgot all about Jasper. Which was a great thing in my book. All that fucker did was hurt me and I needed to forget about that.

We spent the next hour or so in my room just talking about all kinds of shit. Well, he talked about his life some more and I listened. Honestly, he could've been talking about something completely boring and I would've listened to him. Why, because he fucking held me the entire time he talked. Voice so entrancing, I caught myself looking at his lips more than once.

_His voice is nice, but it doesn't affect you like you know who. _

No, I wasn't going there! Not right now.

It was dark outside when someone came knocking on the door, interrupting everything.

"You two come down now, it's time for dinner."

"Dinner?" I groaned, sitting up in the bed. I didn't want to leave this room for the next two days.

"You have to eat Bella. Come on." He took my hand and I reluctantly followed him downstairs. Only, they weren't in the dining room. No, they were out back on the patio having dinner. Guess I should've known. It was nearing the hour of the fireworks spectacular. My uncle was into all that festive shit so we just had to along with it.

Edward sat beside his mother who gave me a sly smile when I sat down beside him. She was clearly still intoxicated, but at least she was an amusing drunk and not all bitchy and moody.

"God you're gorgeous honey!" She gushed, leaning over Edward to touch my cheek. "My Eddie sure knows how to pick them!"

_Eddie_? Damn this lady was fucking hilarious. I smiled and she moved away from me. As funny as she was, I still wasn't okay with her touching me like she knew.

Her son on the other hand? Well fuck he could touch me all he wanted. In fact, I'd welcome it.

It didn't take long for everyone to be seated around the table. By everyone, that surprisingly included Jasper. He didn't exactly strike me as a family man, but yet here he was. Probably forced by his two aunts to join them in the celebration.

We were sitting in a circle and Jasper was directly across from me. I could feel him looking at me every now and then, but I didn't give him the benefit. Even though I was enjoying my time with Edward, I was still thinking about what Jasper had said. Fuck, it just wouldn't go away!

"So Bella," Edward's mother looked at me "what are your plans for when the summer's over?"

I nearly spit out my water. "I'm…my what?"

"After summer? Surely you're not staying here permanently?"

_No fucking way. _"Definitely not."

"Will you be returning to school?"

I shrugged.

"Do you plan on going to college?"

"I…um." Well fuck I hadn't even thought about that! I was just determined to get my GED so I wouldn't be this fucking failure. I didn't even want to think about college. "I'm not sure yet."

"Oh dear you must attend a university."

"Mom." Edward cut her off, glaring at her. She nodded, mumbled something and began talking about something else. Then, in a rather bold move, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders once again and pulled me closer. He was warm and he smelt incredible.

_Bold move there buddy. _He was just full of surprises.

As dinner dwindled down, I could feel Jasper still staring at me. Unable to handle it any longer, I finally looked over across the table to look at him right back. I wasn't too surprised to see him staring at me with a look of utter disgust written all over his face. What I didn't expect however was the fact that when he looked at me like that, it was such a fucking turn on.

It seemed like Jasper was slowly slipping, his game not working quite as well as he wanted it to. Good, the bastard needed a taste of his own medicine and I would gladly give it to him. I could see behind his eyes there was something lurking. Something that slightly resembled hurt. Well shit of course he was hurting! He had lost his sister and then somehow lost the only other person who had always been there for him. I knew that Edward wouldn't have lied about the fact that he had tried to help Jasper.

_Fuck Bella, are you going soft now? _

No! That wasn't the case at all. It was just that…with Edward telling me these things, I felt like I understood Jasper better. I still hated him, but at least I know why he did and acted the way he did sometimes.

Which, that should have come as such a huge surprise. I knew what it was like, more than I was willing to openly admit.

Rather than dealing with all the grief, pain and anger we chose to shut off every emotion except anger. It was that anger that was expressed to whoever crossed our paths. Edward had seen right through that, in both Jasper and I.

I knew exactly why Jasper was treating me the way he was. I was getting to close, he knew I knew things about him that no one else did. More than that, he knew I knew how he functioned. Which, that wasn't something I had planned on doing. Fuck, I had enough trouble dealing with my own issues so the last thing I needed was having to deal with someone else's.

At any rate, I was now partaking in his newest game. Try as I may, I was finding it very hard to keep up. Though, now that I knew that this was something Jasper had always done, the temptation to beat him was too great.

Edward said to not let him gain the upper hand. To me, that was an open invitation to fight back with all I had. It was the best advice I had ever received and I was going to make the most of it.

Between Edward's sudden, genuine interest in me and the knowledge I had learned about Jasper, this was going to be easy as fucking pie.

After all, I was just some poisonous bitch who was destroying Jasper's carefully built façade. He might want to break me, but I'll be damned if I don't try to break through him first.

* * *

_Teaser for Ch. 13: "Prove it," he stepped closer "fucking prove me wrong."_

_

* * *

_**Well, I think it's safe to say that Edward's much more useful than just revenge sex. Bella had a few revelations I think this chapter. And yea, Jasper wasn't always so damn twisted. **

**Be sure to go check out the new blog I've started (the link's on the profile). I plan on posting random little snippets of all my stories on there. **

**Let me know how you liked my addicts this chapter!  
**


	13. Bleed It Out

**AN: Your reviews were love last chapter & I seriously can't thank you all enough. What I can give you is the next chapter!! Once again, it's going in a different direction, but I'm going with it!**

**As always, Jasper & Bella don't belong to me, but I really wish they did. **

**

* * *

****Chapter 13: Bleed it Out**

**Fuck this hurts, I won't lie  
Doesn't matter how hard I try  
Half the words don't mean a thing  
And I know that I won't be satisfied**

**I bleed it out  
I've opened up these skies  
I'll make you face this  
I pulled myself so far  
I'll make you face this now**

**Bella**

Forty eight hours.

With that much time, you can do a lot. It can change you, break you or kill you.

Well, none of that happened in those forty eight hours I spent with Edward.

No, in the span of two days we laughed, talked and of course…had sex. Since the first hook up, we slept together two more times. You'd think I'd be tired, but fuck that. If I was only have this guy for a short period of time, you'd better believe I'd make the most of it. Edward felt the exact same way. He wasn't stupid. What guy would turn down an opportunity to fuck some chick while he was on vacation?

There was just one little thing about Edward that bugged me. Well it didn't bug me, it was more like a sense of guilt. He was too god damn nice! I swear to god I have never met a guy who is so caring and charming in my life. That combined with the fact that he was sexy as hell made him quite the package. He was perfect, a guy that any girl would be so lucky to have.

That girl however, wasn't me. Not by a fucking long shot.

Throughout those two days, I thought I had made it very clear to him that this, whatever the hell it was, wouldn't go further after he walked out that door. I was too screwed in the head to deal with even attempting a long distance friendship with him let alone anything more.

This morning though, he dropped a pretty big bombshell on me and I knew then that the message hadn't made it through that thick set of hair.

"You know," he trailed his fingertips up and down my back "I'm thinking of moving to San Francisco when I graduate."

My eyes narrowed and I sat up as I glared down at him. He just kept talking though. "If I move back here, then maybe we can get…"

"Edward, stop." I sat up fully and he did the same. "I told you from the beginning that I…"

"Can't handle a relationship? Yes, I know. If you'd let me finish."

"I don't think I want to hear the rest. How can you possibly think about moving to the city after you graduate? You don't even know me so why would you want to move to the same city I live in?"

He sighed, that crooked smile appearing once again. God I loved that smile. There was just something about it. "I wouldn't be moving there because of you, Bella."

I felt my cheeks flush. "Oh." Well I sure felt like a idiot.

"Not to say that wouldn't be an added bonus, but I've been thinking about college for a quite some time now and San Francisco was one of the cities on my list of where I'd like to attend. If I'm fortunate enough to get in course." Was he kidding?? This guy was like a fucking genius! He would no doubt get into any school he wanted to. "Do you think you'll be going to a university in San Francisco as well?

I bit my lip and shrugged, feeling pretty foolish. I had mentioned to Edward that I had to drop out senior year when I was put in the hospital. I also learned that, even though we were close in age, Edward was an entire year behind me academic wise. Well, being as I didn't graduate, he'd catch up soon enough.

"I have to graduate high school first Edward."

His smile was warm as he took my hand. "You're going to graduate Bella and before you know it, you'll be able to attend a university. You're a smart girl. Smart and beautiful. A total package."

"I guess so. We'll see if Carlisle lets me leave here. I don't exactly have anyone else besides him these days and I can't exactly afford to live in the city on my own. I guess I could get a job, but I don't know."

"Do you know you're adorable when you ramble?" _Adorable? Please, puppies are adorable. I'm a fucking wreck._

"It's not adorable when we're talking about my pathetic life."

He frowned. "You're not pathetic." _God, this was guy was a walking self help book wasn't he? _

"Look Edward," I let go of his hand and ran my hand through my hair "If you end up moving to San Francisco, know now that there's no guarantee that I'll be there as well. If I am, you have to understand that we can't be together there either. You don't deserve to be sucked into all my drama and issues."

"I wouldn't be 'sucked' in if I chose to go willingly."

"Are you always so damn relentless?"

He grinned. "I _do _want to be a lawyer remember?"

"Well I can be a real big bitch when I want to so I think you should quit with all this university bull shit before you really push my buttons."

He seemed to ponder on that statement for a second. I hadn't meant for it to come out so…well, bitchy.

"You're right," he took a deep breath and taking hold of my hands once again "I'd much rather be pushing all the _right _buttons with you dear Bella." Tugging on my hands he pulled us back, playfully gripping my hips once we were situated. He watched me, daring me to make the next move.

Smirking, I grabbed the hem of my tank top before pulling it up over my head. Boys, they always underestimate the power of women don't they? Leaning down, I swiftly kissed him, wasting no time in allowing myself to taste him. I rocked my hips against his and he moaned in my mouth. _Gotcha. _

One look at the goods and he was already rock hard underneath me, the only things separating us were his sweatpants and my shorts. That could be quickly taken care of though.

"Push every button." I teased, my lips working their down to his neck where I took a moment to indulge myself. Hey, if he was leaving today, why not let him leave with a little reminder on his neck right? God it would look so sexy on him later.

Wrapping an arm around my waist, he flipped us almost effortlessly and I watched as he took note of every single curve. His hair was standing up every which way and I couldn't fit back the fit of laughter that passed my lips. The laugh was bittersweet though. I knew that after today, things would probably go back to the same. There would be no Edward to keep me distracted, no Edward to relentlessly encourage me to do things. I pushed those thoughts back though. Right now, he was still here with me and I was going to enjoy the now, worry about everything else later.

Laughter soon turned into moans and pants as he traveled lower, lips and hands doing things that every girl would just explode over. I was no exception. For once, I was like a normal, hormonal teenage girl who was about to get fucked by a really amazing guy.

*******

After the 'good morning' sex, and then the spontaneous hook up in the shower, I helped Edward pack his bags. He was originally supposed to stay in one of the spare bedrooms, but that didn't happen. In fact, other than when it was time to eat, no one really saw much of Edward and me.

Edward and his parents were leaving here at five so that they could make their flight at eight thirty. As a proper send off and a wrap up of the weekend's festivities, Esme decided to have a big dinner for Elizabeth and her family. Which, that was nice and all but I wasn't exactly looking forward to it. Esme said everyone had to go and by everyone, that included Jasper.

I hadn't seen much of him over the weekend and I was clearly glad, but secretly curious. Was he avoiding spending time in the house on purpose? If so where the hell did he go during the day? It wasn't that hard to figure out though. Like Edward, Jasper had that allure to him that just screamed sex. Yea, yea I'll admit that the asshole was hot. No, he was so much more than that. Everything about him had me wanting to touch and beg him. I would never act on those feelings of course, but there was no denying it. So, I'm sure that Jasper had all kinds of girls wrapped around his finger, just lining up for a chance with him. I wouldn't be surprised that if in his high induced state, he'd fuck a whole slew of girls in one night. Which, more power to him I guess. A small part of me took small satisfaction when I thought about maybe he slept with all these girls, but they just weren't doing it for him. Had I ruined that for him? Oh dear God I hope so.

After Edward was all packed and ready to go, the two of us headed downstairs. Esme was flitting around the house like a mad woman, trying to get everything ready.

"I think I should help her." It was making me nervous just to watch her. That woman needed to calm down.

"Alright," he smiled and kissed the top of my head "have fun." With that, he ventured off into the living room where I'm sure Carlisle and Edward's father were. I made my way towards the kitchen were Esme and Elizabeth were busy cooking away.

"Do you uh, need help Esme?" I announced my presence as I stood in the doorway. Her eyes brightened the second she saw me and nodded with a smile.

Esme was busy working on some sort of meat and potato entrée while Elizabeth was grabbing things to make a salad. "You can make dessert sweetie."

"Dessert?" I frowned. "I'm….well, what if I fuck it up?"

The two women laughed. "It's from a box dear, if Elizabeth can make it when she's drunk then so can you." Esme laughed, nodding towards the box of cake mix on the counter. I read it quickly, got the ingredients before I attempted to make the chocolate cake. It seemed simple enough, but knowing me I'd probably drop the damn thing.

We fell into a comfortable silence, me mostly listening to the two sisters chatting. Elizabeth looked a little tipsy, but at least she wasn't smashed. They talked about what they would be doing for the holidays, Esme's new project she was working on and Elizabeth's life up in Washington.

I was mixing things when Esme suddenly stopped talking. "Esme, what is it?" I turned around, bowl still in hand, to face the two women. Esme was standing there, an excited glint in her eyes.

"I was going to wait until dinner, but I can't wait!" She whispered, motioning for us to come closer. We did. Even I was eager to hear what she had to say.

"Darling what is it?" Elizabeth as just as excited now.

"I'm pregnant." She grinned from ear to ear. Elizabeth squealed with delight and I almost dropped the bowl out of my hands.

"Oh, this is just fabulous!" Elizabeth flung her arms around her sister, the two of them smiling and on the verge of tears. "How long have you known??"

Pulling away from each other, Esme wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand before responding. "Since last week. I'm three months along already." My eyes dropped to her stomach. She didn't look pregnant. Was that normal is she was already three months? Then again, what did I know about pregnancy? I had never been….oh, fuck.

The thought hit me and the bowl I was holding slipped out of my hands, but I saved it just in time.

"Bella? Honey are you okay?" I looked up to see both women with worried expressions on their face.

"I..uh…" _Shit, say something you moron! _"I'm just surprised that's all, but I'm really happy for you Esme." I set the bowl down and, for good measure, hugged her. She hugged me back tightly before I pulled away quickly. "I..I'll be right back." I walked as slowly as I could out of the kitchen towards the bathroom. On my way there, I saw Jasper and Edward standing in the middle of the living room talking. I didn't even want to know what the hell they were talking about.

I shut the bathroom door, locking it behind me before walking over to the sink and splashing cold water in my face. "You're so fucking stupid Bella!" I chastised as I stared at my reflection.

_No protection? Yea, you really are an idiot Bella. What the fuck were you thinking?_

I wasn't thinking that's for damn sure! "Shit, shit!" Edward and I didn't just sleep together once, we had sex a handful of times during this weekend. Oh fucking hell! My hands shook the more I thought about it. I hadn't been thinking and neither had he apparently. Shit, if this…if I…fuck I couldn't think about that. It wasn't something I was capable of handling right now. Taking deep breaths, I pulled myself somewhat together before opening the door back up. When I did, I almost turned right back around.

"Were you talking to yourself in there?" I so did not need to be dealing with Jasper right now. "That's just odd."

"Fuck off." I attempted to walk away, but he caught my arm and pulled me back to him. "What do you want?"

"I just had a little chat with Edward."

"And?" What did I care?

"It seems like you've cast a spell or some shit on my cousin. He's is _very _protective of you. I haven't seen Edward defend a girl so much since…"

I cut him off. "Since Rosalie?" I knew it was a low blow, but I needed him to get away from me. Getting him all pissed off would be the quickest way.

His grip tightened around me. "I told you not to talk about my sister. You don't know shit about what happened to her." He was pissed, but he wasn't letting me go. Great.

"And I told you to mind your business. So maybe if you do that I'll do the same."

He laughed. "You're such a bitch."

"Then what the hell do you keep bothering me for? If you hate me so much, why don't you just stay the fuck away?" I freed myself from his grasp and began to walk, but I found myself coming in contact with the wall a few seconds later.

"Because I fucking can't." _What the hell_? He was glaring down at me, hands pinned on either side of my head. "You're always fucking there! Even when you're not there, you're still in my head!"

What the hell was he going through? Was he high? "That's not my fault, you're the one who started this and I'm going to…"

"What? Finish it? Bullshit, you won't."

I decided to humor him. "Oh and why's that?"

"You can't beat me at my own game sweetheart. I've been doing it for years. Besides," he lowered his head until we were only a few inches apart, "you want this."

"Want what?" I remained grounded, making sure my rapid heart didn't betray me.

"This," he repeated and came even closer "there's no denying it."

Okay, now this was getting weird. "I don't want you Jasper. Why would I? You destroy everything you touch."

He hissed, hands moving down to grip my shoulders. "You fucking liar."

I scoffed, but on the inside I felt like I was two seconds away from letting me fuck me in this very hallway. His grip was still strong, but I wanted more.

"I don't want you." I enunciated each word with perfectly clarity, proud that I was able to maintain this façade.

"Prove it," he stepped even closer "prove me fucking wrong." This time, I felt myself swallowing thickly as my eyes fixated on the lips hovering not too far from my own. God, I could only imagine what they would feel like.

I looked up at him through my eyelashes to find his gaze so intense. He wasn't breaking the contact we had at this moment.

I wanted desperately to give in to him, to just let him kiss me and let it end right there. But I knew it fucking wouldn't end there and so did he. There was something there, something inexplicable between the two of us that, as much as I hated him and wanted him to leave me be, made me crave him. Craved every single part of him, addictive behavior and all.

Taking this shit to a whole other level, my arms snaked between us and moved up his before I wound them around his neck. I wasted no time in pulling him down closer to me and he willingly came.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ he smelt good. _Focus Bella! _

I stood on my toes, moving up so my lips were near his ear. God, the urge to just lick him was almost too great, and I could feel something clenching in my stomach. _Oh, this has gone far enough. Cut him off Bella!_

"Jasper," I whispered to him and he just nodded, pressing himself closer to me. _Oh, I so have you, you fucker. _"I don't want you." I bit my lip tightly, to keep myself from doing something incredibly stupid.

I removed my grasp from him and moved away from him. I didn't even look back. I couldn't. I knew the second I saw that look in immense anger on his face, I'd fucking go right back to him and let him do all kinds of things to me. He turned me on and disgusted me at the same time. Was that normal?

Everyone else was gathering around the table, so I decided to do that same. I quickly walked in and took the seat beside Edward. When he saw me he smiled and I gave him one back. With that little episode with Jasper, I had completely forgotten what I had gone to the bathroom for in the first place.

Jasper came in a few minutes after me, sitting right across me. He was staring right back at me, hatred and spite gleaming in his eyes. _Oh god damn it why does he have to look at me like that! _

Shit, what the fuck was I going to do now?

* * *

_Teaser for CH 14: I wanted her. I hated her. Fuck, this was worse than I thought.  
_

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_**You guys don't know how hard I tried to get Edward out of this story, but he's not ready I guess. Well, he's gets one last chapter and that's it. I refuse!**

**What did you think about his announcement about maybe coming back?? Esme's having a baby! Bella and Edward acted on hormonal impulses and didn't think. How about that almost kiss? Phew. **

**Reviews are _my _addiction. Being as I can't have Jasper.  
**


	14. Psychotic Girl

**AN: I think it's about time we went back to some Jasper's POV wouldn't you agree? Thank you to everyone who reviewed, you all keep me inspired (and to stay up 'til three in the morning to finish this chapter!). Hope you enjoy it. **

**Nothing belongs to me, minus my plot line and the crazy ideas that float around my head. **

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****Chapter 14: Psychotic Girl**

**I thought you changed but I should have known  
you play nice for a time and then do me wrong  
I thought long and hard about what I should say  
when I was through it just came out this way  
oh lord oh lord  
just a psychotic girl and I won't get lost in your world**

**Jasper**

I never thought that Sunday would get here.

It had been forty two fucking hours of pure torture.

First, to have two women in my family talking nearly nonstop was beyond annoying. Secondly, I honestly couldn't deal with hearing Bella and Edward's damn antics a second longer.

After that first time they fucked, they didn't stop there. No, it was like they were always going at it. Which hell, a guy could only handle so much. The first time yea I got off on it, but after that it was just fucking disgusting.

I tried to spend as much time as possible away from that house, but there were only so many places I could go. I didn't have a car and the only things around here were mansions and beaches.

Luckily for me, there were still plenty of drunken teenage girls running around here who were more than willing to have a one night or one afternoon stand. I didn't run into Alice again, but I did meet Kate, Tanya and Jessica.

They were nothing special, but they did help me get my mind off things for a couple hours. Casual and quick fucks were all they were and they knew it. All I had to do was supply them with the pills they wanted and they were fucking happy campers.

Nights were a bitch though. Friday and Saturday night I popped some sleeping pills and pretty much blacked out, not wanting to have to deal with those two down the hall.

As pissed off as I was at them, I wasn't exactly sure why. I mean, if I were Edward and was only here for the weekend, I'd fuck Bella as much as I could too. There was no denying the fact that the girl could drive lots of guys crazy with lust and need. So, to that extent, I got it.

What I didn't get however was why I was bothered by him spending all that time with her. Besides the sex, what more could she have to offer him? She was just as fucked as I was so what the hell would Edward want with that?

He had always been a pretty naïve guy so he probably didn't see everything I saw. He saw a beautiful girl. I saw the fucking wreck she really was.

This morning when I woke up I was so relieved that they'd all be leaving later on today. Not that I was eager to get back to just the four of us in this huge ass house, but it would mean I wouldn't have to deal with my cousin and overbearing aunt anymore.

On more than one occasion my aunt Elizabeth tried to talk to me about my parents and Rosalie. As much as I loved her, I couldn't do it. It was too fucking hard to talk about any of them. I wasn't exactly fond of what my parents had done, sending me up here to live with someone who I rarely saw and talking about Rosalie brought up far too many memories that I refused to deal with.

Would you want to relive that guilt and suffocating pain every time someone said her name? I sure as hell didn't.

After that argument with Edward in the living room, he hadn't talked to me since. A part of me wished I could though. Wished that I could go back to before everything fell apart and the two of us could talk about anything and everything.

That was wishful thinking though. I knew that would never happen again. I was too far gone and Edward had probably had enough of my shit to ever want to talk to me again. That and he was too busy fucking the girl down the hall.

God, that girl got under my skin like no other. Even when I couldn't physically see her, she was still on my mind. What the hell was that all about? I wanted nothing to do with her and yet, she was there almost constantly.

I left the house for a few hours this morning, Esme telling me that I had to be back early for the dinner she and my other aunt were preparing. As much as I didn't want to, I told her I'd be there.

It would be the first time that Bella and I saw each other for the first time in almost two days.

_Two days. _

Yea that didn't exactly seem like a very long time, but it felt like fucking forever to me.

Something like that shouldn't even matter to me, but damn it did. Every second leading up to me seeing her was putting me on fucking nerves end.

I didn't understand it, couldn't put a reason to that emotion.

As I got back to the house, it was at the exact same moment that Bella and Edward decided to come downstairs, his arm draped around her shoulders, the fucker.

They didn't even notice me. They were too wrapped up in their conversation to see me. I made a clean break to the living room where thankfully there was no one sitting around, waiting to start an awkward conversation with me.

I wasn't alone for too long though. Not even three minutes later did Edward come waltzing right in. I didn't acknowledge him, trying to keep my focus on the TV in front of me.

He wasn't having any of that apparently. "Jasper, can we please talk?"

Deciding to just give in to him, I turned off the TV and tossed the remote on the coffee table. "What do you want Edward?"

He remained standing. "I think we need to resolve some things."

I stood at that statement. "If you're here to talk about Rose, you might as well leave. I don't want to fucking hear it."

"Why do you keep doing this to yourself Jasper? Not talking about her isn't going to make it go away. It isn't going to make things better. We used to be able to talk about everything."

"Used to being the key word, Edward. That was in the past, I can't fucking trust you anymore."

"Oh and why's that? Just because I'm trying to help you? Because I actually give a damn about what happens to you?"

"You don't give a shit Edward. You stopped caring the day Rosalie died. Don't try and pretend that you don't blame me for what happened to her, because I sure as hell do."

"I never blamed you Jasper. Yes, I was upset and wasn't thinking straight when I told you those things at the funeral, but I know now that it wasn't your fault. Things like this…they happen."

"Things like what? She's dead Edward, what other way is there to look at it?"

"There isn't, but if maybe if you talked to someone then maybe it would help you. It would stop you from being this cold and emotionless person. This isn't the real you Jasper and you know it."

I smirked. "That Jasper died the day my sister did, maybe even before that."

"You don't know that. There's always ways of redeeming yourself, of making things right."

If he was about to start throwing some religious shit at me, I was highly liable to punch him.

"What is this really about Edward? You and I both know that I'm never going to stop blaming myself over what happened to Rose so, what else do you want?"

I knew where he was going before he even said it. "You need to stop treating Bella so cruelly."

A bitter laugh passed my lips. "You're fucking joking right?"

He just shook his head. "Oh come on Edward don't tell me she's got you hooked or some shit."

"She's a good person Jasper. She's going through her own grief and pain as well. She doesn't need you to break her even more."

"So you're taking her side over mine? What happened to the whole 'we're family' spill you were trying to give me?"

"I'm not taking sides, but you hurting her isn't going to help anyone. Have you ever tried talking to her about things? Have you ever tried to understand her?"

_Please, I know that girl better than he thinks. _"And what are we going to talk about, our fucked up lives? The addictive things we do when no one's looking? Tell me Edward, what the hell are we supposed to talk about? That bitch wants nothing to do with me and I want nothing to do with her."

As I said this, a figure practically brushed right by us and we both knew who it was.

"Don't talk about her like that Jasper. You have no idea the things she's been through. If you would just give her a chance then…"

"Then what, we'd live happily ever after? That's bullshit Edward and you know it. So why don't you stop giving me all this little encouraging speeches and mind your business?"

He sighed, clearly exasperated over everything. I knew I was giving him a hard time, how could I not?

"Fine, but know when you realize that you need someone to talk to I'm going to be there whether you like it or not. We _are _family Jasper and I'll be there."

I hadn't been expecting him to say that and as I watched him leave the room, I stood there like an idiot. After all the shit I had just told him, he was still willing to be there for me? Jesus fucking Christ man I couldn't handle that.

I thought back to the passing figure and decided to go investigate. Why, because I was a nosy bastard that's why.

As I walked down the hallway and towards the closed the bathroom door, I could hear Bella talking to herself in there.

"You're so fucking stupid!" She practically choked out the words. "Shit, shit!" Her voice was a little louder this time.

I had no idea what she was going through. It wasn't everyday you heard someone not only talking to themselves, but chastising as well.

This chick was really fucking crazy.

I leaned against the wall for a few minutes, waiting to say something to her when she came out. I'll admit I loved messing with her, loved fucking with her.

When she finally emerged I called her out on the whole talking to herself thing to which she told me to "fuck off." She tried to walk away from me, but I wasn't done with her quite yet.

"I just had a little chat with Edward."

"And?" She spat.

I just winged it from there. "It seems like you've cast a spell or some shit on my cousin. He's very protective of you. I haven't seen him defend a girl so much since…."

"Since Rosalie?" Two words and she completely fueled my anger as always.

I tightened my grip on her. "You don't know shit about what happened to her."

She of course had a quick comeback, one that made me laugh at her. "You're such a bitch."

That's when she went off and that's when something inside of me snapped. She asked me why I didn't stay away from her if I claimed to hate her so much. Momentarily shocked by her statement, she moved away from me. I caught her though, pinning her against the wall.

"Because I fucking can't." I pinned my hands on either side of her head. "You're always fucking there! Even when you're not there, you're still in my head!"

She stared at me like I had completely lost my mind. Maybe I had? I was responding to her like never before. I was actually telling her that she was all I thought about these days. _That _was not part of the game. I wasn't supposed to be telling her what I really thought.

I lowered my head until I could feel her breath on me, telling her that she wanted this. That she wanted me, wanted things between us to…well, I'm not even the sure what.

"I don't want you Jasper. You destroy everything you touch." Though I knew that was very well true, I didn't need her to remind me of that.

I gripped her shoulders and called her liar. My grasp on her was strong and I felt like I was going to bruise her tiny frame. A part of me wanted to press harder, wanted her to feel even more pain.

She repeated that she didn't want me, her voice surprisingly strong and grounded.

"Prove it. Prove me fucking wrong." I had stepped in closer to her. She swallowed and I caught her eyes lingering on my lips. _You fucking bitch, I got you now. _

She looked up at me through those long lashes, our eyes connecting for a few seconds. I felt something ripple through me. Something that felt like anger and desire rolled into one.

She didn't move for what seemed like forever, but when she moved her arms and moved them up mine slowly I fought back everything to not say something.

She wrapped them around my neck and pulled me down towards her. I could've stalled, but I didn't fucking want to.

She stood on her toes so that her lips were hovering near my ear. From there I was able to catch that unmistaken scent of strawberries and vanilla. Fuck she smelt good. I wanted to taste every single inch of this girl and then some. Just thinking about it was almost enough to shatter all my reserve.

"Jasper," she whispered in my ear and I just nodded like an idiot. She was going to do it, I knew she was. I pressed myself against her, feeling her every curve. She was so warm and I wanted nothing more than to fuck her senseless against the wall, show her that I could give her things that no man had ever given her. Give her pleasure, make her scream… "I don't want you."

What the fuck! As quickly as she said it, she was gone down the hall. I stood, my hand firmly planted against the wall as I turned my head to watch her walk away.

"Fucking bitch." I muttered, but couldn't tear my eyes off of her until she was out of sight. I gathered myself and headed out straight towards the dining room where everyone was getting ready to have dinner. Bella was already sitting there, smiling at Edward about something. I took the seat directly across from her and had no problem in glaring at her, hatred obviously present in my eyes.

She didn't seem too surprised to see me look at her like that though. She hadn't got used to the way I worked and she wasn't backing down anytime soon.

As we all ate dinner, there were two conversations going on at one time. My aunts were talking about what they were going to do for the holidays, trying to decide where they'd all meet this year. I had forgotten all about that. Last year, we had them at our house. This year, without Rosalie, who knew if my parents would even want to see me. They hadn't called me since I had came here and that alone told me that they were glad to have me out of their hair. They couldn't handle me so they sent me off, dumping me on someone else.

Fuck that, I wasn't some charity case that was going to be shuffled around like nothing.

Bella and Edward were quietly talking to each other, Bella laughing every now and then at something he'd say.

She was such a fucking actress I swear. I knew on the inside she was still thinking about what happened in the hallway. How could she not? I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to kiss me, wanted to just give in to all these emotions that had been swirling around for the past couple months.

She didn't though because she was too proud. She knew if she did, I'd gain the upper hand again. Which, that would've worked to my benefit. Kiss the girl and get ahead of the game all in one little moment.

Though, something tells me that if she had kissed me, neither of us would be sitting her right now. I knew the second those lips touched mine I'd have to have all of her at that very moment.

I thought about what she'd taste like, the way she'd writhe underneath me as I took control of everything and the way that brown hair would feel in my hands as I tugged on it, just for the sake of hearing her moan and scream my name.

"Everyone," as always my daydreams were interrupted "I have something to say." I looked over at Esme who had a big smile on her face. _What the fuck is she so happy about? _

"We're listening dear." Carlisle grabbed her hand, his face just as eager. All eyes were on her, even Bella's.

"Well, everyone…Carlisle and I are going to have a baby."

I watched as Carlisle's eyes widened in almost looked like disbelief. "Honey, are you sure?"

She nodded her head in excitement. "Of course! I went to the doctor last week and he confirmed what I already knew."

No one said anything for a few moments, but after getting over the shock Carlisle stood up and hugged his wife and kissed the top of her head. Ok, so apparently he was happy about this. In fact, everyone looked happy about it. Everyone that is except Bella. She was watching them, but she wasn't smiling. Her eyes were nervously flickering around the room as she sat there.

I wanted to laugh at her. What the fuck she doing? She looked absolutely petrified, almost like she wanted to cry. I highly doubted that it was because her uncle was having a kid. In fact, I'd bet it'd be safe to say that Bella hated kids, wanted nothing to do with them.

I knew that I didn't and I was praying to God that I still wouldn't be living here by the time that baby was born. Sure I'd love my new cousin, but that didn't mean I wanted to live with him or her. All that crying and stress, it didn't seem like a good time to me. I wanted to be far away. Bad enough I was going to have to deal with my pregnant aunt and all her raging hormones leading up to the due date.

Shit, this was all fucking bad.

Talk soon turned towards the newest addition to our family. A baby that both Bella and I were going to be related to. That was just too fucking weird to think about.

Thankfully, the time finally came where it was time for them to leave to the airport.

I said goodbye to my aunt, her hugging me tightly and telling me all the normal things aunts did. She said she loved me and hoped to see me soon. I shook her husband's hand, the two of not really having much to say to each other.

Edward was next and I knew he still had lots to say to me, but chose not to. Instead, he came up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. Knowing that my family was watching, I allowed him to give me one of those awkward one armed hugs. I didn't give him one back, but he seemed satisfied. Edward was so stupid sometimes. If he really thought this meant things were okay, he had another thing coming.

"Bye Jasper." Edward nodded and I nodded back, wanting nothing more for this guy to be gone.

As they began loading the luggage in the car, Edward and Bella said their goodbyes. He had his arms wrapped around her and was holding her tightly to him.

"Remember everything we talked about Bella." He spoke quietly, kissing the top of her head. "Everything will alright." She nodded somewhat.

"Thank you Edward, for everything." Her voice was small and gentle as she pulled away from him. Her brown eyes were soft as she looked at him. "You really are something else."

"I'll be expecting a call sometime from you ok?" He laughed and she just shook her head, her smile not reaching her eyes.

_What the hell did he tell her this weekend? _She looked like she was two seconds away from crying. Had he really affected her that much?

I couldn't stomach it when I saw him leaning down towards her. The fact that she was allowing him to kiss were was enough to get me upset again. I held it in though. I wouldn't let them see that.

After they were done, he walked outside to join his family. She watched him, walking over to close the door once everyone was gone.

She turned back to face me and took in my facial expression. "What?"

Ah, there was the bitch I knew. "Nothing, other than that look on your face. Are you really going to miss Edward? Was he that good of a fuck, Bella?"

She shook her head, walking right by me and up the stairs. "I fail to see how you two are even related. He's amazing and compassionate. And then you…you're just a cold, emotionless bastard."

"Takes one to know one right sweetheart?"

She didn't respond, she just kept walking.

Walking away from me like always.

As she did, I thought about two things.

The fact that I wanted her.

And the fact that I hated her.

Fuck, this was worse than I thought.

* * *

_Teaser for CH 14: He was holding it out to me, practically challenging me to take it. _

_After a minute, I dropped my hand and moved away from him. He laughed. _

_"Oh, I fucking knew it. Are you really that stupid?" _

_I didn't need this from him, not now._

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_**Alright, so I admit that I was a bit sad to see Edward leave, but it had to be done. **

**Lots going on with Jasper this chapter, and I hope you guys liked it! **

**Reviews, they keep me going!!  
**


	15. Pushing Me Away

**AN: You guys never cease to amaze me & I love you all so much for it! Let's see what the hell Bella's going though shall we? Enjoy. **

**Just own the plot line, sadly. **

**

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****Chapter 15: Pushing Me Away**

**Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
Everything has to end you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
Why I never walked away  
Why I blamed myself this way  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
Why I never walked away  
Why I blamed myself this way  
Now I see your destiny pushes me away**

**Bella**

It had been four weeks.

Four weeks since my weekend with Edward.

Four weeks since that almost kiss with Jasper in the hallway.

And four weeks since the idea of me being pregnant began to consume my mind.

I had no idea what to do. I was scared shitless, obviously.

I momentarily thought about asking Esme about it, but I knew she'd rat me out to Carlisle the second she could. I couldn't let that happen. If he even so much suspected I was knocked up, he'd never let me out of his sight and probably force me to live here for the rest of my days.

And there wouldn't be a thing I could do about it. I wasn't eighteen yet, so he was pretty much calling the shots in my life.

I wasn't on the Pill anymore. I hadn't since they put me in the psych hospital. Because let's face it, who'd want to have sex with a crazy chick?

After a week of stressing myself out, I decided to do some research on the internet. Turns out you could go get something called the 'morning after' pill up to five days after you had unprotected sex with someone.

That was not the information I wanted to discover. I had completely missed my window of opportunity and now I had no other option but to just sit around and wait.

Anyways, there was no way I could do all that, try and get that pill without it getting back to Carlisle or Esme. This town wasn't very big and I'm sure everyone around here knew who knew who they were.

Luckily for me, all the attention had suddenly shifted towards Esme and the child she was now carrying. It still didn't look like she was that pregnant, but I guess every woman went through it differently.

Even though she was only a couple months pregnant, she was still starting to take things slower and wasn't gone as much. Meaning, I was forced to talk to her more than I liked to.

However, I found a way to deal with her 'Bella and Esme' time. By sitting with her, watching _Lifetime _movies, she would get too emotional to even say anything to me. Her quiet sobbing was fine by me, so long as we didn't have to speak to one another.

It was a win-win situation as far as I was concerned, especially since Jasper refused to stay downstairs longer than twenty minutes at a time.

Ever since the day his family left, he'd become somewhat of a recluse. More than he already was. He hardly spoke to any of us which, that was fine by me too, but I could tell that it was starting to irritate Esme.

Since telling us she was pregnant, it was like her hormones decided to kick into overdrive all the sudden.

She was fine one moment, but then the next she'd be a complete bitch. It was pretty funny actually to see sweet Esme act that way. Carlisle didn't think so though. Which, I don't know why he was so surprised. He _was _a doctor after all. Guess it was different when it was your own wife calling you names.

Currently though, she was fine. We were sitting in the living room, bags of chips on the coffee table as we watched another movie. This one was about some lady who was having an affair with some younger, hotter guy while her husband was in the hospital dying.

It was pretty fucked up actually, but I'm sure it happened in real life.

Esme was fine, until the end of the movie when the husband died. Coincidently, he died the same day she told him she had been cheating on him.

"That stupid woman, she should've never said anything!" Esme was yelling at the TV. I glared at her and shook my head.

"It's just a movie, Esme."

"I know," she sighed, blowing her nose "I would never do something like that to Carlisle."

Well, that was good to know I guess. Not like I could envision Esme being the cheating type. She was pretty fucking devoted to her husband it was almost sickening to watch them sometimes.

At least they were both excited about her having a baby and, regardless of her ever changing hormones, he still had this goofy grin on his face every time there was mention of the baby.

As she got totally swept up in the final fifteen minutes of the movie, my mind drifted elsewhere.

I wondered a lot about the question that had been nagging my brain the past four weeks.

Without even thinking, my hand slid across my still taut stomach for the briefest of seconds before I pulled it back up quickly.

A part of knew that I wasn't pregnant. There was no fucking way. I mean I don't know for sure, but I think I'd be able to tell right? Can't a woman tell when something changes in her body? I'm pretty sure I'd know.

Then again, there was a part of me that knew there was a good chance that I _was _pregnant.

If that was the case I had no idea what the hell I was going to do. I hadn't really ever thought about it, but I wasn't exactly the biggest fan of abortion. I don't think I could do that. It wouldn't be the kid's fault for his or her parent's stupidity.

Yes, even I had a heart sometimes. The cold bitch wouldn't end a life, there was no way.

If I was, would I tell Edward? Well shit, of course I'd tell him. I wouldn't have much of a choice.

There was no doubt in my mind that Edward would be a good father, he just oozed charming and compassion.

Me, on the other hand, I'd be a fucking wreck. I wouldn't know the first thing about raising a kid. Hell, I was still a kid myself.

Besides an addict having a kid would just be a recipe for a disaster. I could barely take care of myself so there was no way I could be responsible for a helpless baby. Selfish as that sounded, I just couldn't.

Which, that left me a really fucking tough situation. One the one hand, I was against abortion, but another part of me knew it wouldn't be fair to bring a kid into this world I lived in. A world where I did immature and selfish things.

I also had to think about Edward. He'd have some say in the situation as well.

"Fucking hell." I sighed out loud just as the credits started rolling. Esme sat up and cast me a glance. "Uh, that was some movie wasn't it?"

She nodded, checking the time. "I enjoy our afternoon movie watching, Bella."

"Me too." I admitted. I actually didn't mind it all that much anymore. "I used to always watch these movies with…" I paused "my mother."

Esme sat up further, scooting towards the end of the couch so she could grab my hand.

Shit. "I know sweetie. I hope you know that I'm not trying to take the place of your mother, but do know that I'll always be there for you whenever you need anything." Her eyes were welling with tears, threatening to spill over at any second.

Oh, Jesus Christ. "I know, Esme. Thanks." I said what I could to placate the hormones.

She smiled, stood up and made her way to the kitchen where she no doubt was going to start cooking dinner.

I made a quick exit, going to my bedroom and locking my door.

Fuck man, I don't think I could handle being all emotional like Esme was these days. I already had issues, I didn't need any more.

I needed to know and the sooner the better. Only, there was one little problem. The only store was a good fifteen minutes away and that was too far for me to walk. I knew they wouldn't let me take the car, instead offering to drive me.

But shit, I really needed a pregnancy test. It had been four weeks, that was enough time right?

I was supposed to have gotten my period a week and a half ago, but it hadn't shown up yet. I was one of those odd girls whose period always came on time no matter what.

The more I thought about it, the more I started to get freaked out.

That's when an idea struck me.

I knew that Esme would be busy for another hour or so and Jasper wasn't home, so I had the entire second floor to myself.

I opened my door, poking my head out to make sure there was really no one up here. Seeing it was all clear, I walked quickly over to Esme and Carlisle's bedroom, slipping in quietly.

If Esme had thought she was pregnant, she must've bought a few tests. I found their bathroom and started snooping around like I was some sort of burglar.

I checked the medicine cabinets, but there was nothing. I stood there for a second, tapping my foot as I thought. I didn't really feel like going through her personal things in her dresser. That was just too weird.

About to give up, I saw that the rack in the corner had a shelf on the very bottom and there was a basket with all kinds of things in it. Taking a chance, I walked over, knelt down and began shifting through.

After about ten seconds, I found it. An odd place to have it, but there was suddenly a box right there in my hands. I read the instructions quickly before grabbing the actual test and shoving it in my sweater.

I practically ran back to my room, feeling somewhat relieved. At the same time however, I felt like I was two seconds away from breaking down completely.

Staring at the test in my hands, I could feel them shaking. Now that I had it, did I really want to know?

There was a fifty-fifty chance at it either being a yes or a no. As much as I was hoping for a no, I knew there was a chance it'd be the other.

Just as I got the courage to just go in a take the damn thing, there was a knock on my door. I nearly shrieked, having been too consumed in my inner battle.

"Coming!" My voice squeaked loudly as I shoved the test in my sweatshirt pocket and threw it in the closet.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the door.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" I exhaled slowly when I saw it was just Esme.

"Yea, you just…uh, startled me."

She lifted an eyebrow. Yea, that didn't make me sound crazy at all.

"Sorry about that honey. I was wondering if you could come help me finish up dinner and set the table?"

What the fuck? Esme hardly ever asked me to help her.

I had nothing better to do so I agreed, shutting my door before following her downstairs.

She had just finished boiling some pasta, telling me she was making spaghetti for dinner.

"Would you mind making that chocolate cake again Bella? It was so incredibly delicious last time." Her eyes lit up at the mere thought.

"Uh, sure I guess." I walked over to the pantry and pulled out the cake mix, grabbing all the other ingredients along the way.

Guess they were right when they said pregnant women had odd cravings at all hours. Though chocolate wasn't so odd. As long as she didn't want something weird to go along with it, it was ok.

She continued making the pasta, eventually added garlic bread and salad to the menu. It was quite comical to watch her make the salad, being as she was eating the vegetables that she was slicing and then complaining that there wasn't enough in the bowl.

I didn't have the heart to tell that maybe if she didn't eat while she chopped, there'd be enough. She was highly liable to start crying again and I couldn't deal with that shit today any more.

I hated when people cried around me in general, but when you add a hormonal pregnant woman it was ten times worse. Especially when I knew that I could very well turn into Esme if I was pregnant myself.

I shook myself of those thoughts, refusing to think about it more than I needed to. I finished the damn cake, making sure I didn't under or overcook it. That'd be just what I needed, giving the pregnant woman food poisoning. Yea, that'd go over real well.

By the time everything was done, Carlisle was home from work. He waved to me as I set the table, going straight to the kitchen to greet his wife.

Setting a plate on the table, it nearly slipped out of my hand when I heard someone talking to me.

"Practicing your maternal skills?" I gripped the plate tightly in my hand, looking up to find Jasper standing in the entryway to the dining room, leaning against the wall with a smug look on his face. What the hell was that all about?

I didn't answer him and tried my best to ignore him. That was virtually impossible though, being as Jasper never let me be. He could be such an annoying asshole when he wanted to be. I walked around the table, feeling his eyes on me the entire time.

I hated it when people did that to me. I had been under constant surveillance in the hospital and I wasn't about to let someone like Jasper bring back those feelings of intense anxiety and panic.

Finally fed up with his silent staring, I turned around to face him, leaning against the table. "What do you want?"

He lifted his shoulder casually, eyes never breaking from mine. He seemed to be taking in something and I didn't like it. It was creepy, the way he was looking at me. Normally when he stared at me, it either pissed me off or turned me on. I wasn't either of the two at the moment.

No, it was like he was looking right through me and into my thoughts. Which, that's somewhere I refused to let him be right now.

Knowing I was probably just reading into it too much, I left the room so I could finish helping Esme. Unfortunately she was already done, forcing me back out into the dining room to sit down.

I picked at my fingernails while the plates were being served and everyone all settled down.

Esme and Carlisle, like always, immersed themselves in a conversation about the baby. Apparently next week, they were going to another doctor's appointment.

"I was thinking that maybe Bella would like to come along with me next time?"

I looked up, setting my fork down, my appetite suddenly gone.

"If you want to of course?" She watched me with hopeful eyes.

"Yea, sure I guess so." I didn't want to push any wrong buttons with her so I just caved. The quicker I agreed, the lesser chance she'd get all emotional on me.

"Oh, thank you so much honey!" She smiled, her eyes glistening all the sudden. Jesus Christ, this woman was going to kill me. "After that, I was thinking we could do some shopping for the baby. What do you say?"

I wrinkled my nose in the slightest, but she apparently took great offense to it. It wasn't my fault I hated shopping.

"It's just," she looked over at me, the saddest look I've ever seen in that woman's eyes "I just thought it'd be something fun us girls could do together. I don't really have anyone else to do things like this with."

Oh, now she was throwing the 'woe is me' card my way. Shit.

"We can go shopping, Esme. Just, don't buy me anything alright?"

"Oh well that's no fun, but fine." She suddenly smiled. "It'll be all about the baby."

Just like that, she went back to talking with my uncle, leaving me feeling rather confused and irritated.

Chancing a look, I glanced up at Jasper for a split second.

I really wish I hadn't though.

He was staring at me, his eyes flickering between Esme and I. It looked like he was putting something together in his head and I didn't like it one bit.

I knew he wasn't stupid, but I really hoped he wasn't thinking what I thought he was.

I was already dealing with enough and I didn't need him lurking over my shoulder, taunting me over something I wasn't even sure of myself.

I remained focus on the plate in front of me for the rest of dinner.

As soon as we were done, I got the hell out of there. Esme and Carlisle headed to the living room for a few hours of TV watching.

I was up in my room for a good ten minutes, staring at the closet door, completely terrified for what I had to do next.

With each step I took towards it, I felt my hands starting to get cold and clammy.

"Oh for God fucking sakes," I groaned when I heard another knock on the door "who is it?"

They didn't answer, instead the door just opened. I silently cursed myself for leaving it unlocked.

I turned, clasping my hands in front of me. "What do you want now Jasper?" I swear, he was always there. I couldn't afford any more distractions right now. And Jasper? He was a _major _distraction, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

"Why are you so jumpy?" He stepped in closer, taking in my somewhat disheveled appearance.

"I'm not." I tried to defend myself. "Can't you just leave me alone for once?"

"No." He smirked, pulling something out of his pockets, slowly making his way closer until there were only a few feet separating us. "I just wanted to invite you."

"I don't have time for your mind games, what the hell do you want?"

He opened his fist, revealing a few pills and a cigarette.

I lifted an eyebrow, but he didn't say anything.

No, he was holding it out to me, practically challenging me to take it.

I immediately reached my hand towards him, fully prepared to take the cigarette from him. It was calling to me, badly.

_What the fuck are you doing Bella? Have you forgotten that you could be pregnant?_

Fuck.

After a minute, I dropped my hand and moved away from him. He laughed.

"Oh, I fucking knew it. Are you really that stupid?"

God, I didn't need this from him, not now.

"Just leave, Jasper. I can't deal with you right now."

"Too worried about being knocked up?" He practically spat me, almost like he was upset over the mere thought.

"Leave." I repeated.

"I feel bad for that kid." He laughed. "Having you as a mother, they'll be scarred for life."

That was a fucking cheap shot and he knew it. "Get the hell away from me."

"Oh, why sweetheart? Need to think about what you've done? Shit, Edward's going to has his hands full now."

Each word was a stab at me and I could feel my anger rising and my chest constricting.

"You know what though…you fucking deserve it, Bella. For being so stupid, thinking you could beat me at my own game. Thought you were tough didn't you? Well, looks like you just got slapped in the face by your own stupidity."

"Get out." I hissed, pushing against his chest roughly. He budged only a fraction, but he seemed to get the hint.

"Have fun." He shook his head, shoving the things back in his pocket before leaving. "Serves you well bitch."

I slammed my door as soon as he was gone, locking it this time.

I needed to know right now. Marching to the closet, I pulled open the door and grabbed my sweatshirt. Heading into the bathroom, I shut the door behind me, locking that one as well.

I opened the package and did as the box instructed.

Setting the test on the counter, I paced back and forth as I counted down the minutes in my head.

My stomach was in knots with each passing second.

"What am I going to do if it's positive?" I asked myself, running my hands through my hair as I waited. I honestly didn't know if I could handle a pregnancy right now. I was too young, too fucked up to deal with a kid growing inside of me.

I thought back to Jasper and how he said I deserved it, like he was already convinced that I was pregnant. He actually seemed amused by the thought. God, he was really heartless. Even during times like this, he was still acting like the heartless bastard I'd come to hate.

_Did _I deserve it though? Edward and I had been pretty careless and it wouldn't be anyone's fault but our own. More so mine, being as I was trying to jump his bones every five minutes.

Just as time was up, I came to the conclusion that yes, I did deserve this.

If I screwed up, I was going to have to deal with the consequences and hopefully not break in the process.

I took slow, deliberate steps towards the counter, taking a deep breath as I picked up the test in my shaking hands.

I closed my eyes as I brought up closer to my line of vision. I counted to three in my head before snapping my eyes open.

I felt time stop.

"Fuck." I dropped the test, the plastic hitting the inside of the sink. Looking up, a tiny smile spread across my face. "Fucking negative."

I grabbed the test and threw it in the trash, making a mental note to throw it out later.

I slid down the wall beside the trash can, every part of my body trembling with relief.

Before I knew it, I was sobbing with my head buried in my hands.

Of course I was relieved that it was negative, but even just the thought of me really being pregnant hit me harder now that I knew I wasn't.

I had been so fucking stupid.

Too consumed in trying to break Jasper, I nearly made a life altering mistake.

He wasn't worth it, I decided.

I couldn't allow myself to do something like that ever again.

After a few minutes of uncontrollable sobbing, I stood up and splashed some water on my face before heading out towards the backyard where I knew Jasper was. I bypassed Carlisle and Esme, who were comfortably watching a movie and completely oblivious to me.

Outback, I found Jasper like I knew I would. He was far enough from the living room window where no one could see him. He was leaning against the wall, cigarette dangling from his lips with his head tilted back.

I approached him quickly, yanking the cigarette from his lips. His eyes opened and he looked at me, a tense look on his face.

Before he could say anything, I lifted my shirt, searing the spot near my hipbone, counting to ten in my head. The pain was pleasurable and I sighed in relief when it was all over.

"Fuck you." I threw it on the ground, stomping on it. Without another word, I left him out there all alone, proving my own point that there was no way I could have a baby.

I was too impulsive and weak, there'd be no way.

He wanted to be cold and heartless? Then shit, I could push him away too.

I had just had the biggest fucking scare of my life and I wasn't about to put up with his shit anymore.

This was done, this was over.

I don't care what it took, but I wasn't about to risk my life and sanity for Jasper.

Not now, not ever.

* * *

_Teaser for CH 16: Life never works out the way we want it to. _

_It' been seven months since I lost her, but I wasn't about to sit _

_around and think about it. I had to do something, and fast._

_

* * *

_**Well Jesus Christ Bella, you are one _lucky _girl aren't you? **

**Hope you guys enjoyed the view inside her mind, she was sure all over the place. That added to everything she was seeing with Esme, it's safe to say that the girl was scared out of her mind.**

**And Jasper...well, you know how he functions. **

**Reviews are love & my addiction.**

**I hope everyone has as amazing Thanksgiving & see you next chapter!  
**


	16. With You

**AN: You all never cease to amaze me with your amazing reviews. They keep me going & you all are simply the best! **

**Ok, onward to the Jasper goodness. Enjoy!**

**

* * *

****Chapter 16: With You**

**  
I woke up in a dream today  
To the cold of the static, and put my cold feet on the floor  
Forgot all about yesterday  
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore  
A little taste of hypocrisy  
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react  
So even though you're so close to me  
You're still so distant  
And I can't bring you back**

**Jasper**

Eleven days. It had been eleven days since that little episode with Bella.

No, it was a pretty fucking big episode with Bella as far as I was concerned.

Having not seen it before, it came as a shock when I finally pieced it all together. The second I saw her looking at Esme with this look of confusion and fear, I wanted to reach over and slap some sense into that girl.

I never would've pictured Bella as the stupid and careless girl she had obviously turned out to be. I knew she was trying to prove a point with Edward, but I thought she would've had some common sense when she fucked him.

Apparently too consumed in her quest to beat me at my own game, she forgot that small little detail.

When I called her out on it, she gave a feeble attempt to deny it. It was written all her face though. She was shaking, her brown eyes wider than usual and her pale complexion was even more so.

I knew she was scared and it took a lot of strength to not go down the route my mind was telling to go down.

I couldn't fucking do it though. Everything I had worked towards would've been blown in a few minutes if I had gone through with it.

When she confirmed the mere idea of pregnancy, all I wanted was to stay with her and comfort her somehow. I don't know where the hell those feelings came from, but I was two seconds from acting on them.

I could see it. I would sit with her and let her tell me how she was scared and angry at herself for letting it happen. I wouldn't give her any words of false comfort, but I would just be there for her. Times like that, that's all someone needed sometime. I would know. Not because I had received it before, but because I knew that was the right thing to do.

My mother hadn't raised me to be completely heartless after all. Of course she didn't. I wasn't always like this. There _was _a time where I actually gave a shit about the people around me.

That was the old me, though. That part of me died the day my sister died.

My parents tried to convince me to attend these grief meetings, bought me tons of self help books and even sent me to a shrink twice.

None of it worked though.

What part of it did they not understand? I didn't want to talk about Rosalie, especially to some complete strangers who knew nothing about her.

They didn't know the sweet and relentless girl who had been my rock ever since we were kids. Though she didn't need protecting, I did my damndest to make sure no asshole so much as looked at her in the wrong way.

I tried, but ultimately failed. I failed the one person who I loved, who I was supposed to protect. It was my one job in life and I couldn't even fucking handle it!

I failed to see how I could ever come back from something like that.

The day Rosalie died, it became clear to me that every person I truly loved only got hurt in the long run. My bright and witty sister was taken away from me in a matter of minutes and I did nothing to stop it.

Do you know the amount of guilt that puts on someone? The guilt and images that haunt you ever single fucking day? Unless they've been there, they haven't the slightest idea.

_Bella knows what it's like._

Fuck that. Bella is the _last _person I'll be sharing my emotions with.

She doesn't know.

Her mother died in an accident.

She wasn't there, I was.

It's _not _the same.

I sat up in my bed and stared right towards my door. Everything on the other side of that door was hell and I didn't want to deal with it.

Not today. I just couldn't.

Between the constant glares from Bella and my aunt's sudden moodiness with every person in the house, I wanted to stay as far away as I could from everyone.

Staying locked up in my room for the remainder of the day seemed like a good enough plan.

That is, until someone knocked on my door.

"Jasper, sweetie, can you please come downstairs?"

I groaned, rolling over when I heard Esme's voice. I knew if I wasn't standing in front of her in about ten seconds, she was going to fucking flip.

I threw on a pair of jeans and swung open the door. Just as I expected, she was already starting to get emotional when I wasn't showing up fast enough.

She took a deep breath. "There you are, honey." A smile graced her face as she turned and I had no choice but to follow her. I had no idea what she wanted, but the second I came down the stairs and saw Bella leaning against the couch I had a feeling this wasn't going to be good.

I swear, if they were about to try and have another addict conversation with us again, I wasn't having it. Did they not see that no matter what they said, neither Bella nor myself seemed to listen to their so called advice?

I walked and stood up against the opposite end of the couch. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Bella glancing in my direction as well.

Clearly having been woken up as well, her hair was loose and flowing every which way. Dressed in a baggy t-shirt and flannel pants, you couldn't even tell that the girl had curves and a body. I wondered briefly why she was doing that. She had no problem flaunting around her assets when we first move here so what had changed.

After a good ten seconds of thinking I realized it didn't even matter. Who cared what she wore or didn't wear?

Who knows, maybe that whole pregnancy scare taught her a lesson of some sort.

"Well now that we have you both down here, Carlisle and I just wanted to let you know that we were going away for two days."

I glanced over at my aunt and shrugged. "That's what you woke me up for? To tell me you're leaving?"

"We couldn't just leave you while you two were asleep. We're leaving now and should return tomorrow night around seven or so."

Carlisle nodded and stepped forward. "I trust that two of you will behave yourselves? I don't want to come back home to a destroyed house."

Well then what the fuck were they doing leaving if they obviously didn't trust us? These two made no sense what so ever. They were supposed to be 'taking care' of us and yet, they were leaving once again.

The last time that happened, it didn't end up quite like I wanted to.

"Can we trust you?" He repeated his question, looking at me directly. Fucker. What, did he think I was the guilty person in all this? That Bella was little Miss innocent over there? Please, that girl was capable of things just like I was.

"Yea, yea we'll be fine. You two have fun." Bella waved her hands, yawning at the same time. "I don't plan on getting into any trouble."

Her voice was soft, almost a whisper and I had a feeling it had nothing to do with just being woken up.

No, ever since she clearly proved that she wasn't pregnant she's been acting different around me. Well, she's been acting different around everyone for that matter.

There aren't any smartass comments from her every five minutes and she was actually making an effort to spend time with Esme and on the occasion Carlisle.

Fuck, I hadn't even seen her breaking out the cigarettes since that night.

A part of me wanted to refuse the thought, but it was becoming evident that perhaps Bella was trying to clean up her ways.

Well, that was just peachy fucking keen for her now was it? It was easy for her. To just start over and forget everything that happened.

I couldn't do that.

"Jasper, will you be alright?" Esme looked at me, hope in her eyes. Jesus this woman must really want to go to wherever the hell it was they were going.

I gave her a quick nod. "Yea, I'll be alright."

A relieved smile appeared right away and she was hugging me tightly before I could even blink. "Thank you honey, so much." She whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek as she pulled away.

I normally wasn't one for these small moments of affection, but I knew it was better to endure it then it was to rile up my hormonal, pregnant aunt.

She hugged Bella too, telling her something too low for me to hear before she and Carlisle left the house, the sound of their car pulling out the driveway a few minutes later.

Bella and I stood in the middle of the living room for a few moments, neither of us saying a word to each other. Silent, but we were still looking over at each other.

It was awkward, but I couldn't seem to break from her stare.

Jesus, what the fuck was wrong with me?

It was ultimately Bella who broke the connection, turning on her heel and walking to the kitchen.

I didn't follow her. There was no need.

For the first time, that girl was neither bothering nor turning me on.

I knew exactly why that was though.

Each step I took back upstairs I realized that today, not even Bella could get my mind off of everything that was going inside of my head.

I wish my mind was on anything _but _the thoughts and images that were consuming my mind.

Life, however, never works out the way we want it to.

Sighing, I looked down at my slightly trembling hands.

It's been seven months since I lost her, but I wasn't about to sit around and think about it.

I had to do something, and fast.

Spending the entire day reliving what happened wouldn't bring Rosalie back, wouldn't right my wrongs.

Sitting in a room all day wouldn't dissipate the pain.

The damage had been done and I felt like there was no coming back from it.

The deep clenching I felt in my chest didn't go away as I showered and quickly changed into a fresh pair of jeans, black t-shirt and grey sweatshirt.

The trembling of my hands didn't stop as I grabbed my things and headed outside.

Part of me believed that I was shaking because it had been almost twenty four hours since I had taken any pills, but I knew better.

I knew that I was two steps away from breaking down completely.

It was always like this. Rosalie's monthly anniversaries always brought forth the emotions I tried to block every other day of the month.

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I traveled down to one of the beaches and surveyed the land. It was still early, but there were already a few people out.

To my left there was a family who was taking pictures. Their smiling faces churned my stomach and I immediately looked the other way. To my right there were two figures sitting at a small picnic table.

I strained my eyes, but I was pretty sure that the girl perched on the table was that same girl.

Alice.

She wasn't alone and as I got closer I saw that she was sitting with some guy. The two of them looked up at me as I approached, Alice's eyes widening when she saw who I was.

"Well hey there stranger!" She jumped off the table, standing on her toes and planting a chaste kiss to my lips. I didn't have time to even think about kissing her back before she was gone. "What brings you down here so early?"

I shrugged, staring out towards the water. "Didn't want to be in the house I guess."

She laughed. "Are you still dealing with that Bella girl, Jasper?"

"I'm trying to not deal with anything right now." I admitted honestly. Alice was like a fucking mind reader anyways so there was no use in lying to her.

She smiled, but there was sadness in her eyes that didn't go unnoticed. "Well you're welcome to hang out with James and me if you want?" She nodded behind her, to the guy who was suddenly up on his feet.

"Jasper, this is James. James this is Jasper." She pointed her finger between the two of us. He stepped forward first, offering his hand to shake. I shook it quickly, letting it drop after a second.

"Boyfriend?"

"Oh," She laughed, shaking her head "I can never fully commit to a man, Jasper. It wouldn't be fair to him. No, James and I go way back. We've known each other since we were kids. Best friends I guess you could say."

I nodded. Well that was somewhat of a relief. At least I knew she hadn't been cheating on the poor guy the night we hooked up. Not like I'd ever tell him.

"Actually, I think you and James will get along great." She winked with a devilish glint in her eyes.

"Oh and why's that Aly?" James wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side.

"Remember those pills I had that one night?"

He nodded, then realized what she was saying. "Shit, you gave those pills to Aly?"

"Yes."

"Damn, that was some good shit man. She shared some with me."

I didn't really know what to say to that. I wasn't a drug dealer or anything so, if he was expecting something more he was going to have look elsewhere.

"Yea," I ran my hand through my hair "glad you enjoyed them."

"You have to let me repay you man. I'm serious."

"No, it's alright."

He waved his hand. "Fuck that, I'm repaying you. That really was some good shit. Do you live around here?"

"Why?"

"If you give me like an hour I can be at your front door with something that'll make you forget about everything that's on your mind. You interested?"

I looked up at him, his blue eyes shining with excitement. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt so I couldn't confirm what I already knew.

This guy was a fucking addict.

They weren't hard to spot, especially if you yourself were one.

I thought about it for a minute. Did I really want to back down that road of drugs? Sure I had been taking pills daily, but going back to the hard stuff again was something completely different.

My lack of self control and the fact that I wanted all these damn emotions to go away helped me make my choice. "I want in."

Three words and I knew I was fucked.

It was happening already.

He laughed, Alice giggling along with him. "Perfect. Now, I assume Alice knows where you live so I can have her guide me in the right direction?"

"Yea, she knows where I live."

"Alright, well I better get to it then. Don't worry Jasper I'll make sure that you only get the good stuff. None of that cheap and dirty shit any whore on the corner can use."

I looked around. What the hell was he talking about? There were hardly any corners let along whores. Maybe this guy was already stoned. I wouldn't put it past him.

"Right, okay." I didn't know what else to tell this guy.

"It was great seeing you again babe!" Alice gave me a tight hug, the little pixie surprisingly strong. "Enjoy yourself tonight. Who knows maybe Bella will want in too."

I highly doubted that, but kept my mouth shut. It was apparent Alice thought Bella and I had something going on since the last time I saw her. That wasn't further from the truth.

I was just confused and irritated when it came to that girl. I never knew what she was thinking or what she was going to do next and when the thought of her being pregnant entered my mind I just about lost it.

Lost it not only because she had been stupid, but nearly breaking because I was fucking jealous.

Yes, I'll admit it damn it. I was jealous over the fact that Edward, my _cousin_, had claimed this girl.

It was almost like it I couldn't have her then no one else could.

Talk about being possessive. I don't even know where it came from. The intense rage that coursed through my veins at the mere thought of an impending pregnancy.

I made my way back to the house, my steps quick and deliberate.

I had no idea what James was going to bring me, but I didn't want Bella in the house when he did.

I didn't want Bella anywhere near the drugs. Pills were one thing, but I wouldn't let her be around for this.

_Are you trying to protect her?_

You bet your ass I was trying to protect her.

No matter how much I claimed to hate her and told her that she deserved all these things, she didn't deserve to get sucked into this part of my life.

Already having pulled her in so much already, I at least owed her this much.

However, like I said, life never works out in our favor sometimes.

As soon as I walked inside the house and into the living room, Bella was right there in front of me.

She barely acknowledged me as she sat on the couch with her legs curled underneath her with a empty bowl of cereal resting beside her.

"Fuck." I cursed under my breath. It got her attention though.

She broke her gaze from the TV to look at me, her brows knit in confusion.

"What have I done now to piss you off?" Sarcasm dripped in her voice as she watched me.

"You need to leave." It wasn't a question. She had to.

"Excuse me? You're not the only one who lives you here."

"No, you need to leave the house, Bella."

She stood, coming around to face me. "And just why would I do that?"

"Can't you just listen to me this once?"

She laughed. "Yea, because you always listen to me. You're always in my business so I guess now it's my turn." She folded her arms across her chest. "Why do you want me to leave? It's not because of a girl because you'd make sure I was here for that."

I just glared at her. "It doesn't matter, but you need to leave."

"I'm not going anywhere. You aren't the boss of me."

I stepped closer to her, hands on her shoulders. "Why do you always act like a child?"

"Why do you always act like you have some sort of say in my life?"

I dropped my hands quickly, running my hands through my hair and pacing the living room.

"You need to fucking leave Bella. I can't have you here. I'm doing this for you damn it…why don't you see that?"

Exasperated, I just gave up right then and there. "You know what, fuck it. You're not going to listen to me anyways. Don't come crying to me when shit goes down and you don't like it."

"Is that a threat?" She tried to stand strong, but something wavered in her voice. Uncertainty mixed with a bit of genuine fear.

She had no idea.

"I'm just warning you, but you never listen. You're too fucking stubborn and caught up in your pride to listen."

"I…" Her sentence was cut short when the doorbell rang.

I shut my eyes, knowing that time was up. There was nothing I could do about it now.

"Are you expecting company?" Her eyebrow lifted a fraction as she awaited my reaction. "Who the hell did you invite here?"

My silence not being a good enough answer, she was walking towards the door before I could stop her.

I did turn around however just in time to watch Bella open the door to reveal James.

He stepped inside the house, not even bothering to say anything.

What he did do though was let his perverse eyes roam over Bella, licking his lips the longer he stared at her before he came into the living room.

"Well shit Jasper you didn't tell me there was going to be a sexy girl like her here? I would've brought more."

"Brought more what?" Bella joined us, coming to stand right in front of me. "What the fuck are you doing?" She practically gasped, seeing the small bag in my hands.

"I told you to leave." My voice was already detached. I always was like this right before I did it.

"Jasper," she whispered "please don't do this."

I glanced up at her, her wide eyes watching me with genuine concern.

"Don't do this to me, Bella." I tried to brush past her, but she caught my arm.

"You're stronger than this." The confidence in her voice was enough to get me to rethink everything.

Could I really do this and stop with just one hit? Could I do this and not hurt everyone around me?

Then the question entered my mind as to could I handle the rest of the day _without _this?

I looked back down at Bella. "It's too late."

Three words and yet again I knew I was fucked.

She dropped her hand, disbelief written all over her face as I walked away from her.

Mind made up, there was no turning back now.

* * *

_Teaser for CH 17: I watched, disgustingly fascinated with what he was about to do.  
_

_This was wrong, this was stupid. Stupid and yet I wanted it._

_I just wanted to forget everything._

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_**Sigh. I eagerly await to see what you thought about Jasper this chapter. **

**Reviews are greatly appreciated as always my lovely readers.  
**


	17. Hit the Floor

**AN: I have to thank everyone for their amazing reviews, they keep me going when I have nothing! I'm going to tell you now...this chapter and the characters completely took on a mind of its own this time around. It happens sometimes, so I hope you all enjoy it!**

**As always, all I own is my plot line. I will gladly take Jasper though, even when he's being stupid and careless. **

**

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**

**Chapter 17: Hit the Floor**

**There are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me  
Wondering what I think of you and I protect you out of courtesy  
Too many times that I've held on when I needed to push away  
Afraid to say what was on my mind afraid to say what I need to say  
Too many things that you've said about me when I'm not around  
You think having the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down  
But I've had too many standoffs with you it's about as much as I can stand  
So I'm waiting until the upper hand is mine**

**Bella**

I've seen a lot of crazy shit in my life, especially during my time in the hospital, but nothing could compare to the scene that was unfolding right before my eyes.

Before, the things I saw had nothing to do with me and involved people who I barely knew. Hell, even when my mom died I wasn't there so I didn't exactly witness it firsthand.

Then there was Jasper. I knew there was something wrong with him the second he came downstairs this morning. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I could tell that he was preoccupied with something other than what was right in front of him. It happened to be the same look I'm sure I held on my face.

It happened to be the same look he had that day he met me on the beach and gave me that sleeping pill. I hadn't been able to figure it out that day, but soon all the pieces seemed to come together.

Too consumed with thinking about my mother's anniversary, I failed to see that the exact same expression was mirrored on Jasper's face. Oh the fucker tried to hide it, but I saw past all that. I saw past things like I always did when it came to him.

In a twist of events, it seemed as though my mother and his sister died on the same date, just in different months. Jasper's sister dying in January and my mother dying a few months later was just one more thing we had in common.

I wasn't about to try to get him to talk to me because damn it, I didn't want him throwing something in my face yet again. I was already having a bad enough day and I didn't need him adding more stress.

Thankfully he was gone for most of the morning and early afternoon, which meant I had the whole house to myself for a few hours. Which, I suppose that would be exciting if I had something to actually do.

At any rate, I spent those few hours on the couch eating cereal and watching _Lifetime _movies. I would have to tell Esme that she missed out on some good movies while she was gone. I actually missed her somewhat irritating presence. At least with her, I wasn't alone and she would actually explain things to me when I didn't get them.

It was around one or so when Jasper came back to the house. He wasn't even in the house for a minute when he was ordering me around, practically trying to kick me out as if it was nothing. I honestly didn't know what this guy's problem was. I swear, this guy had more mood swings than Esme and I combined.

However when he started pacing around the living room before basically threatening me I knew something was off. It was one thing for him to try get rid of me, but there was something in his eyes that expressed nerves and hesitation. Almost like he truly didn't want me to see whatever was about to happen in this house.

Which fuck, if that was the case then I wanted to be here. What could he possibly be doing now that I hadn't seen him do or say before?

As if reading my mind, the doorbell rang as soon as those thoughts passed through my mind. Jasper closed his eyes in what almost looked like defeat. He wasn't making a move towards the door so I decided to greet whoever was on the other side of that door.

When I did there were no introductions or pleasantries, the guy just walked right into the house without a word. Clearly this guy's mother didn't teach him anything about manners. I don't care how much of a jerk you were, you just didn't want into someone's house without so much as saying hello.

Already holding a strike to this asshole, the second one came a moment later when I caught him staring at me in a very indiscreet manner. It was one of those looks that made you sick to your stomach. To top it off, the fucker licked his lips, clearly trying to get the point across that he liked what he saw.

Even though he wasn't unfortunate looking, his blonde hair and defined body something most girls would fall over for, there was something in those eyes that screamed danger. And not that James Dean danger either. No, it was more like a 'stay the fuck away from this guy' kind of danger.

Call it institution or whatever, but I had a feeling that something incredibly stupid and bad was about to happen.

"Well shit Jasper you didn't tell me there was going to a sexy girl like her here. I would've brought more." The creep let his eyes roam one more, a twisted smile on his seemingly perfect face.

"Brought more what?" I moved past the guy, coming to stop in front of Jasper. "What the fuck are you doing?" My eyes flickered down for only a split second, but I still saw it.

There, right in his hands, was a small bag that contained God only knows what. Though I didn't know exactly what it was, I had been around enough people to know that there was probably some kind of drug in that little bag.

"I told you to leave." His voice was cold, detached and at that very second, I felt something tightening in my chest.

"Jasper," I felt the tightening increase "please don't do this." I looked up at him, trying to get a read on him. I nearly lost it when I saw that there was nothing in his eyes. No fear, not that cocky attitude he always had.

"Don't do this to me, Bella." He tried to move away from me, but my hand quickly shot out to wrap around his arm.

"You're stronger than this." I have no idea where this sudden feeling of concern for him was coming from, but I didn't have time to think about that.

He didn't answer for what seemed like forever and I silently hoped that he was rethinking this, rethinking taking whatever was in that bag. I knew it was hard, because today was rough on me too, but he shouldn't be going down this road. It wasn't fucking worth it.

His eyes met mine briefly. "It's too late."

Fuck! I dropped my hand, not able to believe it. Not able to believe that he was walking away from me.

I stood there stunned for a few moments as the two of them walked into the dining room.

I knew at that moment I could make one of two decisions. I could go upstairs and let him win, or I could go in there and try and stop him from making a huge mistake.

"No, no fucking way." I shook my head, making up my mind before marching straight towards the dining room. Once there, they were already sitting across from each other and emptying the contents of the bag.

I stopped, breath rushing from my lungs as I watched two syringes fall onto the mahogany table. The very table that we sat at every night to have dinner with my uncle and his wife.

"What the hell are you doing?" I gathered my strength and walked over to them. "Are things really that fucked Jasper that you're going to resort to _this_?" I hissed, my hand waving towards the needles on the table.

"Bella, just leave." He avoided my gaze, staring straight at the drugs.

"Like hell I will! This isn't worth it. I know…I know that it's a fucking hard day today, but doing this won't bring your sister back."

His jaw tensed, hands balling into fists on top of the table. "Leave." He repeated.

"No, because this shit is stupid and you aren't going to do it." In a rather bold move, I attempted to grab both syringes off the table, but I was stopped by the guy who had stood up quickly and grabbed my upper arm.

"I don't think so little girl. Do you know how expensive this shit is? Now, why don't you leave Jasper and I alone so we can do what's got to be done."

"Let go of me," I twisted in his grasp, but he was stronger than I was "you're weak! Why the fuck would you give this to him!"

He smiled. "Jasper just needs to forget for awhile. Don't you ever get like that baby? Don't you ever just want to escape?"

"James," Jasper stood, his eyes intense "let her go, she has nothing to do with this."

His grip loosened, but he didn't let me go. "Ah, well baby, do you want to watch?"

"I don't want any part of this shit." I sighed, realizing that it had been the wrong decision to come over here.

"Liar," he turned me in his grasp, his arm wrapped around my waist tightly "you know you want to watch. I can see it," he whispered in my ear "you're just like us. You're fucked…you _want _to watch. An addict can never pass up a chance to see another one fuck up, now can we?"

I didn't answer him, so that must've been enough confirmation for him. "That's what I thought. Go ahead Jasper, let _Bella _here see how it's done."

I cringed at the way he said my name and I hated the way he had his hands fucking all over me, but I knew I couldn't do anything. He wasn't letting me loose and there's no way I could break free. Fucker was too strong for me.

Jasper, after seeming to be having an internal battle in his mind for a few moments, reached over and grabbed one of the syringes tightly in his hand.

He removed his sweatshirt, revealing a black t-shirt as he laid his arm flat on the table before making a tight fist. He pulled the top of the needle off with his teeth, the silver tip staring at him.

I watched, disgustingly fascinated with what he was about to do. This was wrong, this was stupid.

Stupid and yet the longer I watched him, I wanted it.

I just wanted to forget everything.

"That's it baby," James spoke lowly to me as we both watched as Jasper plunged the needle into his arm "fuck, look how beautiful his face looks right now."

As much as I didn't want to look, I couldn't help it. I glanced up, eyes fixated on the way his own were squeezed shut as he injected the drugs into his system and how his lips parted slightly to exhale deeply. He seemed to be at complete ease and on his way to someplace else.

Someplace I suddenly was eager to be. Fuck trying to be strong, I was tired of trying. I wanted to forget about my mother's death and everything that happened afterwards.

"You want this don't you? You want to feel the way he's feeling right now?"

Against my will I nodded slowly and his grip tightened around me.

"This is fucking perfect. Well Jasper, it seems like this little lady wants in now that she's seen what you're feeling right now."

"There's another syringe right there." He nodded towards the table and I stared at the needle.

"Yea, but I only said that you'd get the hit for free. I never said anything about this little minx right here. If she wants it, then she's got to give me something."

"I don't have money." I frowned. I guess I was out of luck.

"I don't want money," He pressed me tighter against him, his obvious erection pressing up against my back. My entire body froze, my eyes widening in disbelief.

"I don't think so you fucking pervert. I don't want to forget that badly."

"Unfortunately for you, you don't really have a choice baby."

Oh, God. Turning me around to face him, he glared down at with a sick, lust filled gaze. He moved his hands down my back, coming to rest on my ass, pulling his hips into mine. He groaned, moving them against mine.

His head was lowering towards mine, but I placed my hands on his chest and pushed away from him roughly. "Don't you fucking touch me." I hissed, pushing him again when he advanced towards me.

"Bella, don't be like this. You know you want the fucking drugs. Just give me what I want and it'll be all yours."

"I don't want it." I had changed my mind. I didn't want to go down this road. I had never done drugs like these before and I wasn't about to start, not matter how badly I wanted to forget.

"You're such a stubborn little girl aren't you? Well, whether you want them or not, I still want you and I'm going to get what I want." His arms encircled around me again, pushing me up against the wall as his hands traveled up the front of my shirt.

"Please don't do this." I whimpered like a complete idiot, cursing myself for being so weak.

"You'll love it." His hands were around my neck now. "Just, please don't struggle. I mean I like kinky shit, but I want you to enjoy it too."

His assault was about to continue when he was suddenly pulled away from me.

"You," Jasper pulled James further away from me "get the hell out of here you fucking asshole."

"Come on Jasper, can't we share her?"

Jasper's response was a sickening crunching sound of his fist meeting James's face. He groaned in pain, blood pouring from his nose.

"Leave." Jasper's voice was cold and menacing as he stared down at James. "And don't you ever talk or treat her like that. If I even see you lurking around here I will kill you."

I was stunned by his actions and comments. My head hurt like a bitch and in the midst of the two of them arguing, I made a coward's escape to the kitchen. I rummaged through all the cupboards, knowing that there was bound to be some kind of alcohol in this house. Even the great Dr. Carlisle had to have something.

I found it after a few minutes. Nestled behind canned vegetables and other food items was a bottle of tequila. I pulled the top off and took a long, desperate drink. It burned like no other as it went down, but it was nothing compared to the pain and fear coursing through my veins at the very moment.

I slid my eyes shut, letting the tequila warm my insides. It didn't take away the fear, but it started spreading a feeling of numbness through my system and I openly welcomed it.

So many things were running through my mind all at once and I was having a hard time keeping up.

Not only had I just watched Jasper inject an unknown amount of drugs into his body, but I was two seconds away from doing it myself.

No, shit it was so much more than that. If Jasper hadn't done something, that James guy would've quite possibly gotten what he was after. I was strong, but I wasn't strong enough to get him off of me. There was no way.

"Fuck." I groaned, taking another long drink, sliding down to the tile floor below me. I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

What the hell had I just gotten myself into back there? Was I really about to shoot up who knows what? For all knew that shit could kill me, take me down before I even realized it.

Was the pain I felt over losing my mother really that terrible that I would have to stoop down to Jasper's level and deal with drugs?

As much as I wanted to hate him for all of this, a part of me knew I had to be grateful. His fault or not, he had saved me from something traumatic. It suddenly made sense as to why he didn't want me to be there when James showed up.

He knew I wouldn't be able to resist if I saw him. As an addict, I would want in just as badly, even if I had no actual desire to do drugs. If I saw him feeling good, then fuck I wanted to feel that too.

The living room door slammed shut, causing me to jump, but I didn't move from my position. The alcohol was doing its job and settling quite nicely in my bloodstream. It'd only be a matter of a time before I was passed out on my bed until tomorrow. Which, that was fine by me. I would rather be drunk and unconscious on my bed then high and delusional.

"Bella," I felt someone touching my knees gently and I snapped my eyes open "are you alright?" I came face to face with Jasper, who was staring at me with a mixture of disgust and genuine concern in his eyes. I don't think he had ever asked me how I was feeling. He was always so adamant about hurting me to actually care about anything else.

"I'm fine." I lied, taking another quick drink. "What the fuck were you thinking?" I set the bottle down, having drank almost half of it in a span of ten minutes or so.

He rested his hands on me, his stance mirroring mine. "I wasn't."

I snickered. Well that much was obvious. "Was it worth it?"

"Give me a few more minutes and I'll let you know." He laughed bitterly. Fucking laughed!

I shifted from his gaze and touch, moving myself so I could stand up. I did it without much difficulty, but once I was on my feet I swayed terribly as the tequila hit me hard. Shit, I needed to get upstairs fast.

I glared over at Jasper, holding my hand against my forehead tightly. "You're unbelievable you know that?"

He stood quickly, towering over me. "Enlighten me."

"Were things really that bad that you're only escape was drugs? Fucking drugs Jasper!" I couldn't believe it the more I thought about it. Yes, I was stupid to have wanted in too, but he was the one that started it, inviting that guy so he could get his fix. "Are…have you done this before?"

"What the hell does that matter?"

"It matters because if this is something you've done before, then you're just taking yourself down a path that you shouldn't be going down again. You should be getting better, not making yourself worse damn it!"

I left him speechless, turning quickly and nearly running up the stairs. I didn't understand why I was so worked up about this, why I was so concerned about this guy who I supposedly hated.

That tightening feeling showed up as I entered my room, causing me to almost drop down to the ground.

It hit me, slamming me right in the face.

There was no use denying it anymore.

The second I figured out what he was doing and I fucking flipped on it, it confirmed everything I had been denying for awhile now.

I _cared _about Jasper, more than I should. No, the urge to help him was so strong that it was almost sickening to me.

I don't know why I felt this. It was obvious he didn't feel the same way about me so why should I care?

I didn't have time to think about that though, my door being slammed open not a minute later.

"Look Bella," Jasper closed in on me "I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but I don't want your fucking pity or help. You don't know anything, but you act like you do. You don't see me parading around, asking you constantly about your mother do you? Why couldn't you just give me this one day without bringing up my sister? Why couldn't you just give me one God damn day?"

I opened my mouth, but my voice was gone and nothing was coming out. His eyes, wide and somewhat glassy, flickered around quickly.

"You don't think I know what today means for you too? I do, but I'm not sitting around throwing it in your face? Why couldn't you just let me deal?"

"You're dealing in the wrong way. Drugs…they aren't going to bring her back. What part of that don't you understand?"

He laughed again, coming even closer. "And what, you think that by acting all righteous will fix _your _mistakes? You think doing good for others will bring your mother back? Well it won't. She's fucking dead Bella! No matter what we do…they aren't coming back! They're never coming back. They're gone, they fucking left us here and it's all our fault."

His words cut me deeper than anything he had ever said to me before.

"It's…my mother's death was an accident and so was your sister's."

"Bullshit." He spat. "You know if weren't such fuckups, they'd still be here. If we had been strong enough to quit back then, they wouldn't have died. It's _our _fault and you damn well know it."

My body took on a mind of its own after that final statement and before I knew it, my hand had come in contact with his face. My hand shook as I dropped it, seeing a faint red mark forming on his cheek. As immature as it had been, a part of me loved the feeling it gave me.

"Blame yourself all you want, but do _not _blame me for my mother's death! I do not need you or anyone else reminding me of what I loss. I deal with it every day. I'm not the one who jammed a needle in his arm to try and block out all the emotions that I refuse to deal with. I'm trying to get better…which is a hell of lot more than I can say for you. You don't think I want to forget? You have no idea."

"Say all you want, but you were right there with me. You _want _to forget Bella. I can see it in your eyes. Just because you didn't do it, it doesn't make you any less fucked up than I am. You drank and who knows what else. Addictions come in many forms…you're no better than me."

"I am getting better you asshole…" my hand shot up quickly, fully prepared to hit him again, but he caught me before I could even touch him.

I thought I'd be sly and use my other hand, but he caught that one too. With both my wrists being held tightly, I felt completely helpless yet again.

We were glaring at each other, neither of us wanting to break the gaze first. We were breathing heavily, eyes clouded over due to drugs and alcohol.

My eyes flickered down to his lips for a brief second, watching as he licked them quickly as he continued to stare at me.

Too consumed in my fixation, I barely felt him pushing and slamming me against the bedroom wall, my hands pinned on the wall above my head.

Oh, fuck me this wasn't going to be good.

* * *

_Teaser for CH 18: For the first time since I had met this girl, I actually took_

_the time to really look at her. Scarred, marked for life. _

_Either way, she was way more fucked than I could ever imagine and I had _

_a feeling I had just made things a hell of a lot worse._

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_**Jasper..is a complete idiot sometimes & Bella isn't too far behind him. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with these two. **

**Jame's character...I'm glad that guy's gone is all I'm saying.  
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**These two have completely lost it I think. **

**Your reviews are my healthy addiction, lol. So tell me what you thought my loves! **


	18. Addicted

**AN: What's this? A new chapter in only a few days! Thanks to all my amazing reviewers & the fact that I'm break from school...I decided to get this chapter out to you as soon as I possibly could. **

**To Lindsey, thank you for helping me...without helping me. lol. **

**As always, all I own is the plot (thought I wouldn't mind being Bella...even for just a moment). Enjoy!**

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**_**Ch 18: Addicted**_

_**It's like you're a drug  
It's like you're a demon I can't face down  
It's like I'm stuck  
It's like I'm running from you all the time  
It's like you're a leech  
Sucking the life from me  
It's like I can't breathe  
Without you inside of me  
And I know I let you have all the power  
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time**_

**Jasper**

Fire, lust, confusion and grief.

Those were the four emotions I felt coursing through my veins, a desire and hatred so strong for the girl who I had pinned against me at this very moment.

Bella was watching me, her own eyes clouded over from both fear and the alcohol.

_Don't do this, Jasper. It will not end up well. _

Well, fuck, if I was already going to hell than I was going to go out with a bang.

She peered up at me through her eyelashes, biting her bottom lip as she watched me. No man, not matter how fucked in the head, could resist that universal gesture. Whether she meant it or not, she had has just invited me in.

I had never wanted someone as much I did Bella at this very moment.

Pressing her harder against the wall, still with her hands pinned on either side of her head, and just fucking went for it.

The moment my lips touched hers, everything faded into the background. It was as if nothing existed the second she moaned, parting her lips and allowing me to taste her.

Months of living with this girl and I hadn't realized just how much I had fantasized about this moment, but fantasies never measure up to the real thing.

She was sweet, even the hint of tequila on her breath did nothing to take away from it. I wanted more, running my tongue over the corner of her lips just before going in. She tilted her head, trying to move her hands, but I wouldn't let her. She opted to use other body parts to get my attention when saw she was losing the battle.

She bit down on lip at the same time she slid her bare leg and hitched it over my own. She repeated the action with her other leg and my hands finally released her as I dropped to grab her thighs.

"Up." I practically ordered, but she complied immediately. Grabbing her, her legs wrapped around my waist tightly, she ground her hips into mine.

I grabbed her face with both hands and kissed her harder, pouring every ounce of desire I had into it "I hate you."

I had no idea why those words came out of my mouth. I was so used to saying it, that it almost came naturally sometimes.

Though now didn't seem like the right time to say something like that. Fuck, here we go again.

Confusion flickered in her eyes for a second, my comment a slap in the face it seemed. If she were to ask I could come up with a dozen lies as to why I hated her, but I now knew that there was only one reason as to why I hated her.

Bella understood. She fucking understood every moment of disbelief, every second of sorrow we felt when we thought about the people we lost. We were constantly blaming ourselves for what happened on those fateful days and we desperately tried to push every single person who wanted to help us away.

She had her addictions and I had mine.

We were fucking imperfectly perfect for each other.

But none of that mattered now. I didn't want to think about my sister's death and I had a feeling Bella didn't want to think about her mother's either.

Looking down at her, her lips were red and somewhat swollen from the two kisses we had just shared. I wanted more, wanted to taste those lips again, but I knew that the desire to fuck her was much stronger than anything else.

"You don't hate me," she finally spoke as my hands ran down her shirt, bunching the thin fabric in my hands "you _want _me." She locked eyes with me, licking her lips as she was gauged my reaction.

God, we were both so seriously fucked up right now. Even through the drug and alcohol induced states, it was only making things clearer for me. I didn't believe that I cared for her, but there was something about Bella that pulled me in towards her.

Knowing there was no use in fighting all this now I yanked the t-shirt up and over her head and tossed it to the ground. Her arms wound around my neck as mine reached behind and rid her of the white lace bra. I wanted to laugh. White was to represent innocence, but Bella was anything but. What a fucking contraction right?

I wasted no time in attacking the newly exposed skin. She held me tight against her, lips and teeth doing things I'm sure she had only dreamed of.

Every second that passed between us, and I knew she could feel my ever present erection pressed up against her. Her legs were tight around me, her core up against my lower stomach. Even through my shirt I knew she was ready, knew she wanted this just as bad as I did.

Hand still in my hair, she suddenly pulled the shit out of it and brought me to face her. Gone was the hesitant, somewhat drunk Bella as a new, sex kitten was emerging before my very eyes.

"If you don't fuck me right now I swear to God…" She gasped as her sentence cut off as I mimicked her own actions and reached up to thread my hands through those fucking soft tresses.

I pressed my t-shirt clad chest up against her bare one. "Is that what you want?" I tugged slightly on her hair. She moaned, nodding her head slowly. "Tell me Bella. Tell me what you want."

She hissed when I pulled her hair again, but the pleasure was still very much present in her sounds.

"Just fucking tell me." I didn't know why I needed this confirmation, but it was something else to see the usually smartass Bella at a loss for words. She was so used to be in control. Not this time, babe. Not by a fucking long shot.

I may have a thing for her, but that didn't mean shit to me right now.

"I…fuck," she whimpered when I lowered my head yet again, this time to bite her neck softly "I...fuck me…make me forget." She lifted my face to look at her, and for a second there was a sadness in her eyes that I'm sure reflected my own. We wasted no time in dealing with that emotion, lust becoming the main one after a second.

She wanted to forget and, fuck, so did I. If this it what she wanted then damn it I was going to give it to her. I was going to fuck this girl to the point where she was going to have a hard time walking in the morning.

With her still in my arms, I backed away from the wall and headed towards her bed and sat down quickly.

She straddled my lap, legs on either side of my hips. She kissed down my neck, lifting the black shirt off of me before her hands fell on the clasp of my jeans. I kicked my socks and shoes off as she did that, my hands coming to rest on her ass when I was done. I pushed her against me, groaning when she rubbed against me.

When we were down to only boxers, shorts and underwear she pushed me back on the bed. But fuck, I wasn't about to let her have all the control just yet. Girl was going to have to wait just a little longer because there was something I was dying to do to her and I knew now would be my only opportunity to do so.

Stronger than she was, I easily flipped us so that she was flat on her back. I left a trail of hot kisses down her exposed upper half, my hands coming to rest on her hips a minute later.

I undid and slowly slid down the pair of shorts she was wearing. They were so damn small that they shouldn't even be considered clothing, but they looked fucking hot on her.

Even hotter was the sight that greeted me once I pulled the damn things down those creamy thighs of hers. Like her bra, she was wearing white boy shorts. I couldn't waste any more time so, unlike her shorts, I practically ripped the things off of her.

The scent of her arousal hit me full force and I took a second to try and clear my head. The things I wanted to do to this girl were clouding my thoughts and judgment and I knew I had to focus on only one thing at a time. I couldn't screw this up, couldn't make myself seem like an idiot.

_Why? Afraid she'll say Edward was a better lover?_

"Fuck that." I cursed under my breath, but Bella still heard me. There'd be no way she'd say that. Especially not after all this was said and done.

Not giving her time to respond I grabbed her leg, kissing my way up until I reached her inner thigh. I licked a little spot on her thigh, only a few inches from where both wanted me to be, and bit her. She moaned and I smirked at how fucking twisted this girl was. Of course I thought the biting was fucking hot, but for her to actually enjoy it as well was something else.

Finally reaching my destination, I brushed my nose and lips over her as my tongue darted out and, with painstaking slowness, tasted her just for a second.

But it wasn't enough. The second I felt her on my tongue it was as if something snapped inside of me. If I thought her kisses were something, then this was taking it to whole other level on its' own.

"Jasper," she arched her back off the bed, her hips pressing against me "stop with all the teasing."

Well, her wish was my fucking command. Today, for just this moment, I wouldn't deny her anything.

One hand reached over and placed her leg over my shoulder, holding it down as I buried my face in he, her scent creating a spike in my own arousal. Her legs squeezed tighter against me as I allowed myself the torturous pleasure of tasting her yet again.

"Fucking sweet," I murmured, my tongue moving in and out of her with fervor. I could feel her thrashing above me, the muscles in her body contracting rapidly "come for me Bella." I ordered her yet again. When she didn't answer, I reached up and stroked her firmly.

She cried out when, with only two firm strokes, she came undone. She released around me and I was there to catch every single drop she offered to me.

For fuck's sake, did _everything _about this girl have to be so damn addicting?

I knew then there was no turning back, we had to fucking finish what we started.

In the few moments she tried to come down from her high, I lowered her legs and rid myself of my boxers.

That got her attention. With her cheeks still flushed red, she sat up and took me in. With a wicked glint in her eyes, she licked her lips in anticipation for something she wasn't going to get. She sat up further, her hand reaching out to touch me.

As much as I wanted her tiny hands to work me, I knew there wasn't time for that. No matter how much I would fantasize about her doing it, I couldn't allow it.

Just as her hand was about to stake its' claim, I quickly grabbed her wrist and pushed her back on the bed.

"I'm afraid that won't be happening." I whispered in her hair, our hands laced beside her head.

"Fucker."

My lips twisted up slightly. "No but I will be," I let my tip of a nearly painful erection tease her entrance "fucking you, Bella."

"Asshole," she groaned as she stopped fighting me. I slid into her easily, not realizing how wet she was until I was fully sheathed in her.

"You've wanted this for a long time haven't you?" I groaned, rocking my hips against hers, pulling all the way out before slamming right back in. This time it was me who bit my lip as I tried to suppress the guttural sounds that were forming in the back of my throat and chest.

"So have you." She didn't answer my question, but rather called me out on it.

"I have." I admitted to her, looking down at her and releasing her hands. They were both on my face in a second, her thumbs wiping across my cheeks before making their way into my hair.

She only spent a few seconds twisting her delicate fingers around the curls before venturing lower, her hands exploring my shoulders and back.

I slammed into her harder and she responded by running her nails down my back. It hurt like a bitch, but it also unleashed something feral in me. As if I wasn't wrapped up in everything Bella, I was all fucking hers after that stunt.

I moved my hands, gripping her under ass and lifted her slightly to change the angle in which I was entering her.

"Oh..fuck…Jasper." She panted my name, her nails running down my back harder. My name had never sounded so fucking sweet as it did as when she began to lose control.

I knew that neither of us would last long, the need too intense for anything longer than this. But fuck if it wasn't going to be the death of me.

"Bella look at me." I removed one of my hands from her ass and jerked her face so she was staring right at me. "Let go, Bella. Fucking come again for me."

She shook her head. "You first." What the fuck? Was this girl for real?

She bit down on her lip. "It's always a game, right?" She asked after I didn't respond to her.

I nodded. "It's _always _about the game." I ran my thumb over her bottom lip before attacking her lips and neck yet again. As I did, my lips leaving marks all over her neck, I felt her coming undone.

"Do it Bella, fucking let go…" I growled into the crook of her when not a moment later I felt her clenching down on me, her moans increasing tenfold as she completely fell apart beneath me.

I didn't last that much longer after her. Two or three more thrusts later, I felt that fucking coil finally explode from within me as my own body started trembling slightly as I came undone.

I collapsed on top of her, careful not put too much of my weight on her.

She writhed underneath me, her body shaking and her breathing erratic.

I lifted my head enough so that I was able to get a good look at her. She had her eyes closed, cheeks flushed and then I saw them.

Fucking teardrops.

She wasn't even making an effort to hide them. While a part of me was pissed at her for doing something so foolish, there was another part of me that hated seeing her so distraught.

I said nothing as I leaned down, kissing away some of the hot tears. The liquid seeped past my lips and hit my tongue.

_A fucking drug isn't she?_

Yes, everything about her was like a drug. No, she was better than any drug I've ever tried. She brought pain and pleasure, understood when no one else couldn't.

By the time my lips reached her own, her eyes had opened as she watched me with wary eyes.

"Don't fucking say anything." I leaned lower, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. Though chaste, there seemed to be something lingering behind all of this.

Though we were no longer having sex, I still had this desire to not want to move away from her. I couldn't, for fear of her breaking apart the second I did. I knew she wouldn't though. She didn't care about me, so why would she? Maybe all this was just sex to her. If that was the case then that's what it would be to me too.

Knowing we couldn't be in this position forever, I eventually pulled out and away from her, rolling on my back to stare up at her ceiling.

She didn't say anything, just pulled the sheet up around her body. I wanted to tell her no, that her body was something to be appreciated and not hidden, but I figured that wouldn't go over very well.

I followed suit, covering my lower half with another sheet and just sat there. I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to make the wrong post sex move.

"I," she glanced down at her hands in her lap "I just wanted to forget."

"Did it work?"

She nodded. "Yes."

"So where does that leave us…"

"I don't want to talk about it" She held up her hand and looked over at me. "I don't know what the fuck just happened between us Jasper, but I don't want to think about it. Just how I don't want to think about everything else that's happened today. I wanted to forget….and I did." She whispered, looking back down.

"You want me to leave?"

Surprisingly, she shook her head. "You wanted to forget too. You can't leave now."

I had no idea what the hell that was supposed to mean, but I took it for what it was worth and didn't move at all. Why? Because it was like she had me under this fucking spell. I couldn't leave her…not while she was like this. Not after all the shit that just happened.

"I want to sleep." She mumbled, quickly switching positions in the bed. She was on her side now, the sheet only covering her legs and ass as well. "Don't you dare try to fucking leave me Jasper."

Though she was slowly slipping into unconsciousness, I could still hear the venom and disgust in her voice. If she felt that way towards herself or me I didn't know.

"I'm here Bella. I'm fucking here alright?"

She nodded, her hair fanning out all around her as she snuggled deeper into the pillow she was holding.

I stared straight out in front of me for what seemed like forever when I eventually heard her steady breathing, telling me she was out. I highly debated getting up and leaving her now that she was passed out, but then I saw her.

And for the first time since I had met this girl, I actually took the time to _really _look at her.

She was scarred, marked for life.

Either way, she was way more fucked than I could ever imagine and I had a feeling that I had just made things a hell of a lot worse.

Even with that revelation, I still couldn't bring myself to leave the room. Though she was way gone and probably wouldn't wake up until tomorrow, my body was rooted in place and refused to go or look anywhere besides Bella's direction.

It was only supposed to be a quick fuck, a way to numb everything so we'd both forget, but so help me God it was anything but meaningless.

_You know what this means don't you? You're two seconds away from letting this girl in. She's at your door so you better fucking let her in._

Like hell I would. There was no way, even with what just happened, that I would _ever _let her in.

_Why are you so afraid of her?_

I smirked, glancing at her again. She was just this skinny, pale girl who had addictions and inner demons. What could she possibly posses that could scare me?

_She understands, and you didn't even have to say much. She just fucking knows, man. You're fucking screwed if you don't let her in now. Forget this game and look at what's right in front of you._

Nothing, there was nothing in front of me.

_Fucking liar, look harder._

I glanced over at Bella, her back slowly rising and falling with each breath she took. She looked peaceful and for a second I allowed myself to believe that it was because of me that she looked and felt that way.

Even if it wasn't true it still felt…good.

_Well there's your god damn answer._

My eyes widened, my inner conscious and I on the same page now.

I was right. Things had just gotten a hell of a lot worse and I had no idea what to do now. I wasn't used to feeling things other than hate and guilt. I didn't know what to do, didn't know what to do with these damn emotions.

"Fuck." I ran my hands through my hair, leaning down closer to Bella's sleeping form after a few minutes. "I fucking care about you alright? Does that make you happy?" She didn't respond, already in a deep sleep.

I sat up, but still couldn't find the will to move.

Shit, this was never part of the plan.

I was right.

God, things were seriously fucked up now.

* * *

_Teaser for CH 19: "You took advantage of me....you knew I was too fucked up to think straight."_

_"Is that so?" I watched helplessly as he closed in on me, grabbing my hips and pulling_

_me against him tightly, lips hovering above my ear._

_"You wanted it too little girl, just in case you forget." _

_

* * *

_**I think that a lot of people have been waiting for this chapter & it's my hope that I didn't disappoint you. These two were bound to...explode. **

**Sort of funny for Jasper to have this revelation at this very moment in time, after they've pretty much gone and complicated things even further. **

**How the hell is Bella going to react to all this? We may just get a glimpse to what she was thinking during all this, just maybe. **

**Review loves...they're my drug, as Jasper would say.  
**


	19. Pretty Girl

**AN: It's official, you all are the best reviewers ever! I was completely floored last chapter & I can't tell you how relieved I am that you all enjoyed it! **

**As a bit of an early Christmas gift, I bring you this chapter earlier than expected. Enjoy!**

**Jasper and Bella? Yea they don't belong to me, but dear God I wish they did. **

**

* * *

  
**

**Chapter 19: Pretty Girl**

**Pretty girl is suffering,  
while he confesses everything  
Pretty soon she'll figure out  
what his intentions were about**

**It's the way that he makes you cry  
it's the way that he's in your mind  
it's the way that he makes you fall in love**

You know those dreams you have sometimes? The ones where you know you're awake, but refuse to open your eyes because you'll ruin the moment?

Yea, that's definitely the kind of moment I was having right now.

Ever since I was younger I hated it when people watched me sleep. I always thought it was creepy and reminded me of being stalked. Who in the hell would want to do that? I mean, honestly, what was so fascinating about me that someone would be compelled to watch me?

I, however, completely took that statement back the second I opened my eyes this morning. I had barely cracked them open when I felt the sun warming my bare back.

Not even wanting to think about why the sheet was my only means of clothing, I decided to just close my eyes and hope that everything would be better when I woke up later.

Well, so much for wishful thinking.

Just as I slid my eyes closed I felt a shift on my bed, a movement that obviously didn't come from me. It was then that I opened all my senses and tried to figure out what the hell was going on here.

Eyes still closed, I moved my hands a fraction of an inch. I didn't feel my soft pillow or the cool sheets, but rather a hard, muscular surface.

_Okay, this isn't a good sign. _

I took a long, deliberate breath and held it. Not only did I smell my shampoo, but I got a faint hint of cologne that smelt oddly familiar.

As I tried to pinpoint the scent, racking my brain for the answer, I felt something drape over my back.

Soft, warm and rough fingertips raked up my spine slowly and realization finally set in, hitting me hard.

_Fuck, oh God don't tell me!_

I knew that touch anywhere, having had those hands on me more than once.

Fuck, those hands were just all over me last night.

I kept my eyes close still, too scared to open them and face what I already knew.

I, for some reason of another, had sex last night.

But fuck me it wasn't just sex with anyone. No, it was sex with _Jasper._

The guy who supposedly hated me gave me quite possibly the best fuck of my life last night.

As his hand continued to move up my back, I tried to piece together some of the things I had somehow forgotten.

I was drunk, he was high. Right there was enough reason for us to sleep together. It was clear this wasn't done out of pure desire and lust because God knows that has been hanging over us for weeks now. No, in these drug and alcohol induced stages we gave in and snapped.

It had by no means been gentle, but it wasn't rough either. It was fucking perfect. Everything from that kiss that nearly brought me to my knees, to the way he went down on me without even thinking twice. _God, the things that guy could do with his tongue…._

He bit me twice, only adding to my increased need for him. And then, just when I thought I couldn't handle it anymore, he slipped inside of me and there were no words for what that felt like.

Never in my life had someone made me feel like that. I wanted to scream and beg him for more, but I bit my tongue. Especially when he brought up the fact that yes, even when having sex, it was still about that fucking game. I wasn't that surprised, but it still stung a little bit to have him confirm it.

It was over too fast, but damn it, it was so good.

I lay there for who knows how long, feeling Jasper's fingertips roam over every scar and burn mark I had on my back. I knew they were a lot of them and he seemed to be taking the time to examine every single one of them. Every touch, every time he skimmed over some of them I felt that tightening in my stomach again. I wanted, needed those hands on me again.

I wanted him to want me without there being this barrier of drugs and alcohol between us.

_Who the fuck are you trying to fool Bella? You know that'll never happen. _

I blocked my nagging inner conscious and pretended for a moment that this, this little moment between Jasper and I, was real. That he truly cared about me and was one step away from telling me that he never meant any of those things he said to me.

A part of me still wanted to believe that part was true. I knew he was going through a hard time because fuck, so was I. I knew that losing his sister nearly destroyed him. And I definitely knew that living with guilt, that ever present guilt that never went away, could drive you insane. It made you hate everyone around you, refusing to let anyone in to show them that you were fucking breaking on the inside.

It was all that, _plus _the fact that the two of us were these twisted addicts who wanted nothing but to hurt the other. I had been trying to break past these addictions, but it wasn't easy, especially living under the same roof with someone like Jasper. He was the _worst _kind of addict and I've seen a lot of them over the past few years.

He was the kind that, no matter if they wanted to break away or not, were always going to be stuck in this black hole they had created.

Instead he fed off the weaknesses of others, attempting to break them down before they could even think about touching him.

And I, for some reason or another, became his newest target of obsession the second I met him.

I thought back to something Edward had told me about Jasper. He said that Jasper loved playing mind games, loved always having the upper hand. It was a typical addict thing for him to be doing. If he had the upper hand, then he wouldn't feel weak.

I'm sure it worked for awhile, but I don't think he ever expected me to try and beat him at his own game. He had seen me as this fragile little girl, a girl that he would be able to walk all over for the hell of it. Well he was beyond wrong with that assumption.

I had him pegged the very day I met him. I saw so much of myself reflected in him and I know he saw it too. It was that little fact that scared the shit out of him. He was intimidated by me, it was so obvious.

As much as I didn't want to give in to him, I knew there was no way I was going to sit around and let him treat me in such a manner.

And it worked…for a little while.

Everything now was far beyond both of our control.

I was no longer in control of my feelings and emotions.

Somewhere along the line last night, between the kiss and the incredible fuck, I confirmed what I already knew deep down inside of me.

I cared for this asshole, more than he probably deserved. Shit, there was a part of me that wanted to fix him, wanted to be there for him as he tried to make things right in his life again.

I wanted _us _to fix each other.

_If you really think that's going to happen Bella, then keep dreaming because that's all it's ever going to be, a foolish dream. _

It might be foolish, but it was the truth. I was done pretending, done with acting like all the things he told me didn't affect me for the worse.

I wanted him to see that he hurt me and for him to apologize so I could forgive him. If he could just give me that…I would be okay.

Too consumed with my revelations about Jasper, I didn't feel a second shift in the bed until it was too late.

With a hand still on my back, there was a sudden increase in warmth fanning across my bare skin. With my face still buried in what I assumed to be Jasper's chest, I felt a light pressure on the top of my head.

It was a pressure that caused all sorts of warm sensations to spread throughout my body.

With his face buried in my hair, his hand moved up my back and stopped at the base of my neck. He held me closer to him as he inhaled deeply, a content humming sound vibrating his throat. I wanted him to do it again so he could see that I did have the capability of making him happy in some way.

He didn't.

The warmth left me far too fast, his body moving out from under mine swiftly. I groaned as my own body came in contact with the bed, it not feeling the same. Knowing he had his back to me, I opened one of my eyes to watch him. He searched the room for his discarded clothes, giving me an unknowing view of his back and ass. And what a view that was. From where I was I could see a few faint red lines on his back and I bit back my gasp.

I fucking marked him, branded him as mine for the evening.

He dressed quickly, never looking back as he crossed the room and left. As soon as the door shut with a soft click, I curled up on my side and hugged the sheets to my chest. Inhaling, I could still smell his lingering scent on me and the bed.

As I lay there, I realized that I hadn't been embarrassed in the slightest over the fact that practically my entire body had been pressed up his against nearly all night.

My eyes widened at the thought. I sat up slightly, a million thoughts running through my head.

The main one being the fact that he stayed with me last night when I asked him to. He could've said no, told me to fuck off like he normally does, but no…he stayed with me.

Shit, he even kissed me when I started crying. Not many guys stick around after a girl brings on the water works after sex.

I don't even remember why I was crying in the first place. I had been a bit tipsy, but I wasn't smashed enough to not know what was going on. I knew damn well what was transpiring between Jasper and I last night. Did I try to stop him though? No. Did I _want _him to stop? Hell fucking no. I wanted him to go all the way, as if by doing so it was going to prove something to me.

My emotions were all over the place last night.

I was dealing over the loss of my mother, the guilt more present then ever.

I was dealing with watching Jasper take drugs and that guy who basically tried to rape me in the dining room.

It was all too much and that was before Jasper showed up and we ended up in this bed.

I knew how he worked and I honestly didn't want to be one of his one night stands, that girl who he fucked and forgot about in the morning. I deserved better than that. All the shit he put me through, I refused to believe that he was going to treat me as some nameless girl.

Him staying with me had to mean something right? Sure he agreed, but he could've left at any moment. He didn't though, choosing to stay with me.

Did that mean he felt sorry for me, or did he actually feel something too?

I desperately wanted to pick the latter reason for the sake of my sanity. I didn't need any more pity and I knew Jasper was the last person who'd be offering me sympathy. At least, he wouldn't be upfront about it.

No, he had to care about me! All those jealousy infused moments when Edward was here, they were so much more than that. When he thought I was pregnant, the anger that appeared on his face wasn't just for the hell of it. He was actually concerned about me, wasn't he?

_Well why don't you go and ask him all these damn questions?_

"Right," I mumbled under my breath and threw the sheets back and stood up quickly. When I did I felt nearly every muscle, especially my lower extremities, was sore. Shit, I didn't think he got me that good.

Quickly heading over to the closet, I grabbed whatever I could get my hands on. A pair of lace panties, jean shorts and a baggy t-shirt was what I settled on. As I pulled up my shorts, I noticed a small mark on my inner thigh and couldn't fight the smile that tugged at my lips.

"Fucker," I touched it softly. I wasn't mad at him though. No, I fucking loved the fact that he did it. I thought it was beautiful.

Yea, call me twisted but I couldn't care less. I have always been obsessed with marks and brands. And now, to have received one from Jasper, well fuck it was perfect. I was going to stare at that thing until it faded away.

Due to my obsession over the mark on my leg, I wasted a good twenty minutes before I was fully dressed.

As soon as I was though, I was making my way down the hall towards Jasper's room.

To say I was somewhat disappointed when I opened the door and found him to be in the shower would be an understatement. I briefly debated walking right into that bathroom and having this discussion with him this instant, but I decided not to.

I doubt that would sit well with him and the last thing I needed was for him to be pissed off at me while I was trying to get information out of him.

Information, just what exactly was I trying to get him to say?

_That he loves you and wants to live happily after…_

"Shut up," I cursed my conscious and its' fucking cruel sense of humor.

I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but a little agreement would be a start in the right direction.

If I could just get him to admit that he slept with me for purposes other than the fact that he was high or still playing this game, then that's all I needed to hear from him.

That or if he admitted to not wanting to leave me because he didn't want to rather than because he felt compelled would be good too.

Whatever he gave me I just wanted there to be something, anything that pointed us in the fucking right direction!

_Since when did you get all soft and sentimental?_

I wasn't! I still was a tough bitch at heart when the time called for it, but I was coming to see that trying to get better would require me to open up and express other emotions besides hate and anger. It was something Jasper needed to do too. He needed to see that I wasn't going to hurt him…that was the last thing I wanted to do. No matter how much I tried to convince myself of that in the beginning, I didn't want to cause someone the type of pain I endured.

I, no matter what Jasper said, was _not _a vindictive bitch who poisoned everything she touched.

Case in point, my standing here at this very moment, waiting for Jasper to come out of the shower so we can talk as civilly as the two of us were capable of.

I sat as patiently as I could before finally hearing the water turn off. The images that ran through my mind as I pictured what he was doing behind that closed door were both pathetic and turning me on like no other. I crossed my legs, making sure my ass stayed right where I was.

I may care about him, but I wasn't about to throw myself at him every five seconds. Please, I wouldn't give him _that _much of an upper hand.

When he finally emerged, he was pulling a white t-shirt over his head and didn't even see me when he walked by. God, had he always been so...._sexy_?

My guess would be yes, but it was overshadowed by every venomous thing that came out of his mouth.

_Don't forgive him until he says the words. For all you know, it was just meaningless sex. _

Well fuck that, it better have not been. Otherwise I was about to start question my morals and sanity.

I cleared my throat, that catching his attention quickly. Turning, his eyes widened for a fraction when he saw me.

Deciding to just go for it, I initiated the conversation. "We need to talk Jasper."

He stepped closer to the bed, a peculiar look on his face. "About?"

"Last night." I thought that part would be obvious.

"There's nothing to talk about Bella."

_Well, that was strike one. _

"There's lots to talk about," I stood up so I could face him better "you can't just pretend we didn't have sex and have that be the end of it."

"It's like you said Bella. We were looking for an escape, something to make us numb and forget about the shitty day we were having. That and you were drunk and I was fucking high. It was nothing…it doesn't change anything."

"Yes, yes it does and you know it. You keep pretending like you don't care, but I know you do. You care about me and you wanted to be with me last night." My words were rushed, but he heard me loud and clear as a look of realization crossed his face.

"It has nothing to do with that. We were both in a bad place last night needed for everything to go away. You were drunk and in the house, it's as simple as that."

_Definitely strike two Bella, only one more left. _

Was he really trying to tell me that he only slept with me because I was the first available girl?

"You took advantage of me," Accusation creeping out with my words, understanding now that this really meant nothing to him "you knew I was too fucked up to think straight."

His lips twisted. "Is that so?" I watched helplessly as he closed in on me, grabbing my hips and pulling me against him tightly, lips hovering above my ear.

"You wanted it too little girl, just in case you forgot."

His words sent shivers of anticipation and disgust down my spine.

I needed to get away from him; having come in here had been a huge mistake.

"Let me go, Jasper." I tried to move from him, but failed

"Like hell I will." Without another word, he had me pressed up against the wall closest to us.

"Maybe you're right Bella." His hand slid up the front of the top I was wearing. "Maybe I _did _want it. But what did you expect from me?" I could only moan as his hand gently brushed against my breast. "With you being such a tease all the time."

"I'm not..." I sucked in my breath when I felt his lips trailing down my neck, and his hand pushed up my shirt. "I never did that."

"Yea right." He laughed darkly against my skin as his hands traveled across my chest and stomach, over my burn marks and scars. "You've teased me since the moment I met you...that's all you are you Bella..." He stopped his actions and I felt like someone had just slapped me in the face, all air rushing out of my lungs.

_Red flag, that's strike three baby. _

"What did you just say?" I asked shakily, trying to hold it in as I tried to steady my breathing.

"Shit...Bella...I." I backed away from him, not caring what he was trying to tell me now.

I didn't want to hear another word.

Stepping closer to him, I slapped the bastard.

And I got him good.

I may not be the strongest girl around, but I had caught him off guard and that alone was satisfying.

He rubbed his cheek, a faint red mark appearing on his skin.

"Say what you will, but you and I both know that last night meant something. Damn it, you're always so consumed with yourself that you refuse to see what's right in front of you! I thought that you actually cared about me too, that you were just scared because I knew what it was like. I guess I was wrong again. I'm tired of pretending and playing these games with you Jasper…just, fuck it. My sanity and emotions are _not _something you're going to mess with any longer."

He didn't answer me. He just stood there like a deer caught in fucking headlights.

"What, no smartass reply back? I took one last look at him as I stood in the doorway. "It's because you're too much of a fucking coward to admit that I'm right."

I ended the conversation there and walked out of his bedroom with not only three strikes against him, but also with a crushed ego.

I thought I could help. Thought I could somehow reach him when no one else could.

Well, I was done trying.

I could care about him all I wanted to, but it was clear that he didn't reciprocate _any _of those feelings.

Knowing that one little fact, him telling me that it meant nothing, that _I _meant nothing to him hurt more than any of the other things he had ever done or said to me.

Once back inside my room, I slammed the door shut behind me and tearfully made my way to the bathroom while all the while cursing myself for being so God damn weak when it came to Jasper.

_What'd you expect baby? People like him will never care about anyone. _

As much as I wanted to forget and focus on myself, I knew there was no way that I would be able to get him out of my mind.

I pretended to be strong; I acted like I didn't give a shit about anyone.

But I could only be pushed so far before I eventually snapped.

That time had arrived.

Jasper had _no _fucking idea what he had just set in motion.

* * *

_teaser for CH 20: I clutched the phone tightly in my hand, eyes flickering _

_around the room as I prepared to make the call that I_

_hoped I would never have to make again._

_

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_**Alright my loves, tell me what you thought! Three strikes baby. Poor girl. **

**A Merry Christmas to all of you, you keep me going when I need it the most! (Yea, completely addicted!).  
**


	20. Scream

**AN: You all are beyond amazing, I loved every single review last chapter. You all have no idea how much I appreciate it! **

**I know that some of you may or may not agree with Bella's plan of action, but these are her choices. That's all I'm saying about that. **

**As always, all I own is my twisted plot line.**

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**Chapter 20: Scream**

**Does anybody know how I feel?  
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome  
Does anybody care what's going on?  
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm  
For you to see me, I need release  
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?  
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?  
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me  
Do I need to scream?**

**Bella**

Never in my life had I been spoken to in that way. And by a fucking addict no less! Jasper was probably the biggest hypocrite I've ever met.

Nearly everything he had ever told me rang true for him, but he just refused to see it. Or, who knows, maybe he did see it and that's why he treated me like shit twenty four seven.

With the bathroom door shut behind me, I walked over to the shower and turned it on. While waiting for the water to get as hot as I could possibly stand, I knelt down in front of the bathroom sink and opened the small doors.

Pushing behind the array of toiletries, my hand reached all the way towards the back until my fingers grazed the cold object. Gripping it tightly, I pulled it out and set it on the sink.

I stripped out of my clothes, watching as the steam began to fill the small bathroom. I stood there for only another minute before heading into the shower.

The water was scalding, but I barely even felt it as I slid the curtain close. The water hit me full force, the heat relaxing my sore muscles.

The silence didn't last long.

Once in the safety of the shower, I broke down completely. Sliding down the tile wall, I pulled my knees to my chest as the sobbing intensified with each passing second.

Too many thoughts were running through my mind for me to even try to come up with a logical reason as to why I was even acting like this. I may not be vindictive, but I was a tough bitch. Life had made me that way over the past few years.

But when it came to Jasper it was like all bets were all off the table. I honestly didn't know what to do anymore when it came to him.

Part of me wanted to call him out on his bullshit, tell him I saw right through the lies. But then there was another part of me that just knew that he was telling me the truth. That he truly hated me and had fucking used me as one of his one night stands.

He had wanted to fill the void and I was the easiest target apparently. Knowing I was emotionally breaking last night, he took advantage of the situation. I knew what was happening, but I did nothing to stop it either.

This was just as much my fault as it was his, but I at least realized what this all was. He was still stuck in his own little world, refusing to man up and deal with what was right in front of him.

"Fucker," I choked, my breathing becoming labored from the hot water and amount of tears streaming down my cheeks. "You have no idea Jasper." I mumbled, talking to him as if he was in the room with me.

Not like it mattered, he'd soon see it for himself.

I could take a lot of shit, but he had pushed me far beyond my limits this time.

Reaching up above my head, I grabbed the tiny knife I had taken from one of Esme's crafting kits a few weeks after I moved in here.

I turned it in my hands a few times, watching as the water flowed over the blade. Gripping it tightly I looked around my body, searching for the absolute perfect spot.

It didn't take long. If I was going to do this, then you better fucking believe it was going to be someplace where someone could see it.

Having always been careful where I did it, I was doing the complete opposite today.

I _wanted _them to see it, wanted to show what I had been driven to.

I didn't really understand my reasoning. Maybe by doing this, Jasper would feel sorry for me, but I highly doubted that.

It was worth a shot though. It needed to be done at any rate.

With my right hand tightly wrapped around the knife, I extended my left arm. Even though the water was still hot I could feel my entire body beginning to tremble as it anticipated what I was about to do.

I had never used something like this, usually only a razor or a cigarette when I wanted to sear my skin.

This was uncharted territory, but I knew that this was an extreme circumstance that needed to be dealt with.

_That or you've completely lost your fucking mind Bella!_

"Yes," I whimpered shakily.

Taking a deep breath I pressed the knife into my skin and made a tiny line across my wrist. I didn't even know if I was doing it the 'right' way, but I couldn't care less.

As soon as I did it once, I felt like mentally slapping myself in the forehead. Why the fuck hadn't I done this before! The rush, the thrill that it brought me was unlike anything I had ever felt before.

I didn't understand why the wrist was so different than any other place I had done it, but it was. Maybe the excitement of someone seeing it, or the plain fact that I only had to barely touch my skin with the knife and it'd break the skin beautifully.

That one little cut turned into five longer, deeper ones; three on my left and two on my right. When I felt I had done enough damage, I dropped it. Closing my eyes I leaned my head against the wall and inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly.

The initial rush was over now, but the thrill was still there. I had done it, I had done what I had set out to and I had no regrets what so ever.

Five, ten minutes passed when I finally felt it.

The bleeding hadn't bothered me, it never had, but after only a little while of sitting beneath the hot water I knew it was time.

When I was in the hospital one of the girls had told me that if really wanted a good effect, you had to place your cut under hot water so it would bleed more.

As I attempted to stand to get more of the water, I felt my legs giving out from under me.

That's when things started to become hazy. And not that good, on cloud nine hazy either. No I could tell that something was wrong, but I wasn't sure what. I couldn't put my finger on it.

It was one thing to try and prove a point, but it was another to make yourself sick over it.

"Shit," I slowly rose to my feet, holding onto the wall in hopes of not slipping. It was wet so if didn't really help me, but it was just enough leverage to pull the curtain back.

Looking behind me I saw that blood had stained the white wall, standing out in such a grotesque and beautiful fashion.

As soon as I stepped out of the shower I felt my head spinning wildly, practically painful to even breathe.

Just as my hand grazed the white towel on the counter, my legs gave out on me again. Grasping the towel, my entire body trembled when I came in contact with the bathroom floor.

I tried to cover one of my wrists with the towel, but it was to no avail.

"Fuck," I whimpered as a thick veil of darkness began to overload my senses, the last thing my ears picked up on was the sound of footsteps on the ground.

**Jasper**

I stood in the middle of my bedroom for a good ten minutes, processing all that had just occurred in here.

Bella had slapped me. The bitch fucking slapped me, for something she had started. Granted I hadn't meant to call her what I did, but what did she expect?

That girl had been messing with me from the moment I first saw her. So she was just as guilty as I was. Although, to a certain extent, she was right. I _had _taken advantage of the situation last night.

We never seemed to think straight when we were around one another. And that didn't ring truer than it had last night.

It wasn't so much the sex, but it was all that happened after and every thought I had during the night. Having stayed with her, I realized more and more that Bella was probably the only person who saw all through my bullshit and saw me for who I really was.

A fucked up addict who was hell bent on hurting those who got too close before they got the chance to do it to me.

I knew this and yet I still did it. I acted like I didn't care that I hurt her, but that was a fucking lie.

I _hated _that I was hurting her. She never deserved to be treated that way, but I kept right on with it. Every venomous thing I called her, every stunt I pulled on her…it fucking killed me.

But I would never tell her that.

No, it was much easier to pretend to hate her than anything else.

Shaking myself from my moment of moral guilt, I thought back to the fact that Bella had just taken a swipe at me. She got me good, but I wasn't going to let her get away with it.

I had hurt her with my words, but this wasn't over.

_What are you going to do, hit her?_

What? Of course I wasn't going to fucking hit her! That was low, even for me. I would _never _raise a hand to a woman. I may do a lot of stupid and careless things, but hitting a girl was not one of them and it never would be.

In what felt like a rather familiar routine these days, I walked down the hall to her room and entered without knocking.

When I didn't see her I frowned. It was odd. Where the hell else would she be? I had distinctly heard her bathroom door slam shut.

About to call myself crazy I turned to leave when I heard it.

Behind the closed bathroom door I could hear the shower running, full blast it seemed.

For a moment I thought showing her the same courtesy she had oddly shown me and just wait for her, but to hell with that. She was going to deal with me right now.

Crossing the room, I opened it a crack and peered in.

"Bella," I called her, but she didn't answer me. The only sound filling the bathroom was the running water. "Bella?" I called her again, knots beginning to form in the pit of my stomach.

Everything that told me to turn back around and leave faded away instantly as I pushed the door open all the way.

And that's when I saw her.

Rage and panic coursed through my body as I stood there frozen for a few seconds.

Bella was lying on the bathroom floor, completely naked, with blood dripping down her arms.

"Bella, what the fuck are you doing?" I immediately dropped to my knees beside her, reaching out to touch her cold cheek. "Hey!" I shook her this time, but she didn't even groan in protest.

She wasn't moving, wasn't answering to my voice. With shaky fingers, I reached and felt against her neck for a pulse. When I faintly felt one, I suddenly switched into fucking fight or flight mode.

Grabbing the towel resting beside her, I wrapped it around left wrist. Through all the blood I made out three deep cuts. I stood and quickly found two other towels that I could use.

Wrapping it around her right wrist I saw two more cuts. When I went to cover her body with the towel she jerked violently against me. I had no idea what that mean, but I knew it wasn't good.

I needed a phone and I needed it fucking fast. There wasn't enough pressure on her cuts to stop the bleeding, only enough to slow it down.

Without hesitation, I picked her shaking body up off the cold ground and carried her all the way downstairs into the living room. Her blood seemed onto my clothes, but I barely noticed.

I lay her gently on the sofa, not caring that her blood would probably seep onto the couch as well.

Snatching up the cordless, I dialed 911 as I sat beside her on the couch. The operator picked up quickly and I explained the situation as best I could.

"Was it a suicide attempt?"

"How the fuck should I know? Just get someone down here bitch." I raised my voice at the woman on the other line.

"Sir, you need to calm down. I'm just following protocol. Paramedics should be at the given address within five minutes."

Fuck protocol, I needed them to be here now and take care of her. That's all that fucking mattered to me, not some dumbass rules this lady had to follow.

I hung up, tossing the phone on the ground and leaned closer over Bella. Brushing some of her hair off her forehead, my fingers traveled down until they reached her lips. They were blue and shaking from the cold.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" I traced a finger over her bottom lip, my own lips closing in on hers before I could stop myself. Pressing them chastely to hers, I rested my forehead against hers.

"Don't you dare die on me Bella or I swear to fucking God I'll never forgive myself." The words passed my lips and I felt something tightening in my chest. Fucking hell!

Well, wasn't this just fucking special? Here I was, having more revelations, while Bella lay practically motionless on the couch with fucking blood all over the place.

What kind of twisted world was this?

My question received no answer as the door bell snapped me back into my cold reality. Jumping away from Bella, I walked as fast as I could to the door and flung it open.

Two paramedics stood there, stoic looks on their faces.

"Where is she?" One of them asked as they brushed past me.

"The living room," I was right behind them so I could watch every little thing they did. If they even so much as touched or glanced at her in the wrong way…

_Oh, you choose now to get all protective of her? _

You bet your ass I was being protective of her.

_That, my dear friend, makes you a fucking hypocrite. All this time you cursed and hurt her. Now look at what you've done…if she doesn't make it, it's going to be all on you. Can you really handle any more guilt Jasper?_

"Fuck," I cursed under my breath as they lifted her onto the gurney, one of the paramedics strapping her in while the other removed the towels and wrapped some gauze around her wrists.

"Suicide attempt," one of them whispered, his voice monotone. I wanted to scream, tell them that they had no real proof that this was a suicide attempt, but knew my words would be futile.

No one ever listened to 'kids' like myself.

One of them looked over at me "you her boyfriend?"

I knew they wouldn't let me go if I said no so I nodded my head.

"You can ride in the back with her, let's go." He waved at his friend as they began transporting her outside and into the ambulance.

"What's her name?" They asked me as I sat on the bench beside the gurney, the ambulance starting and wailing to life.

"Bella," I leaned forward, placing my hand on top of hers "her name's Bella."

"Alright, Bella," The paramedic pressed his fingers against her neck "Bella honey can you hear me?"

I watched, but she didn't answer.

"Bella, sweetheart, we need you to hang in there for us okay? Let us know that you can hear us. Your boyfriend's right here with you. We need you to open your eyes."

I winced at the word boyfriend. I was anything but.

I had been treating her like shit for months and I had apparently pushed her too far this time.

Fuck, did I not know my limits? Bella was only human, she wasn't some robot who stood and took my verbal abuse. Of course she'd be affected by it. How could she not?

And for what, it had all turned and slapped me right in the face. I had let this game go on for far too long, literally sending Bella to the breaking point.

I was a cruel, heartless bastard who only cared about himself.

"It's not true," I squeezed her hand "I didn't mean those things. I just wanted you to hate me before you could break me."

The paramedic looked up at me with a curious expression, but he didn't press it. He was busy making sure she didn't flat line or something.

We reached the hospital a good fifteen minutes later, them pulling Bella out first before I stepped down. She was immediately wheeled back once we were in the emergency room. I tried to go back there, but they wouldn't let me.

More fucking protocol.

I paced around the medium sized waiting room, wondering what the hell was taking them so long. I had been in there for over twenty minutes, but no one had come in to say a word to me.

And then, almost on cue, an elderly nurse walked in and looked at me.

"Honey, are you family?"

I shook my head. She pursed her lips.

"Do you know how we can get in contact with a member of Miss Cullen's family?"

I nodded as anxiety and dread filled my body. "She's okay though, right?"

"I can't disclose any information…"

"What the fuck does that mean?" I stepped closer to her "look, can't you just tell me that she's alright or not?"

She sighed. "You're not family sweetie. I need to talk to them before I can say something to anyone else."

"Do you have a phone I can use?"

"In the nurses' station, come on honey." She led me out and down the hall where she handed me the phone.

I clutched the phone tightly in my hand, eyes flickering around the room as I prepared to make the call that I hoped I would never have to make again.

I could feel my heart beat erratically against my chest with each ring that went unanswered.

"Please, answer the fucking phone…"

I was cut off by my aunt. "Hello?" Her voice was a bit hesitant as she answered.

"Esme," I sighed, running my hand over my face "you and Carlisle need to come to the hospital. There's been accident. It's Bella…"

My aunt's strangled gasp is what finally did me in. Having held on to it since first seeing Bella on the floor, everything caught up to me.

"Here," I thrust the phone at the nurse and took off down the hall where I had seen a bathroom. Pushing the door open I barely made it before emptying out the contents of my stomach.

I didn't realize I was shaking until I stood to wash my hands and rinse my mouth out.

"You really fucked up this time." I eyed my reflection with absolute disgust.

The hatred I felt towards myself, however, was nothing compared to what was going to happen if this all ended badly.

If Bella didn't…make it then there was no way I could ever forgive myself, never get over the complete torture and images that would undoubtedly haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

"Please," I gripped the sink "please don't take another one away from me."

And for the first time in years, I slid my eyes closed and said a fucking silent prayer.

* * *

_Teaser for CH 21: I didn't know how much time had passed, but_

_the only sound filling the room was the drone of hospital _

_machinery. And it was driving me fucking crazy. _

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_**Was this as emotional for you as it was for me?**

**God, Bella is one twisted bitch isn't she? I still love her though. And Jasper, I think it's safe to say he knows he screwed up...beyond words.**

**Your reviews are my much safer addiction & I think this story can hit the 200 mark this chapter!  
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	21. Slow Chemical

**AN: Lovers, you've officially stolen my heart! The response to last chapter was amazing and I can't thank you enough! You definitely calmed my anxiety with your kind words.  
**

**Let's delve into the twisted mind of Jasper. **

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 21: Slow Chemical**

**The wonder of the world is gone I know for sure  
All the wonder that I want I found in her**

**As the hole becomes apart I strike to burn  
And no flame returns**

**Every intuition fails to find its way  
One more table turned around I'm back again**

**Finding I'm a lost and found when she's not around  
When she's not around I feel it coming down**

**Jasper**

I spent nearly twenty minutes in the bathroom, clinging on to the sink like I was holding onto my sanity.

I knew I had fucked up beyond words and I wasn't sure how in the hell my aunt and Carlisle were going to react when the truth all came out.

_You're going to tell them everything?_

Well, fuck, of course I was going to tell them. I wasn't going to have much of a choice.

One thing would lead to another and it would only be a matter of time before everything came out.

The game, the drugs and the fact that Bella and I had slept together.

While that last fact shouldn't be such a big deal I just knew that it would be blown out of proportion. Especially if Bella opened her mouth and mentioned the fact that I was shooting up at the dining room table.

_Out of everything, you're worried about that? You've got bigger things to worry about you asshole. Do you know how much deep shit we're going to be in?_

Yes, I was well aware of it.

I came back, walking past the nurses and sitting inside the small lobby room once again.

I sat there for God only knows how long.

All I know is that every so often a few of the nurses would look over at me with different expressions on their faces.

I wanted to ask them what the fuck their problem was. I wanted to know why in the hell they kept staring at me like that.

Every time they did, that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach nearly caused me to double over.

Though I didn't believe it, I knew that there was a very real possibility that Bella could be somewhere in this hospital…_dead_.

_And whose fault would that be? _

Mine, it would be my own damn fault if she didn't make it.

I had been sitting down for only forty minutes or so when I heard them.

"Where is she? I need to see my niece!" Carlisle's usually reserved voice was laced with fear and anxiety.

I stood, preparing myself for what was about to happen.

Walking closer to the door, I saw them standing at the counter with panic stricken faces.

They didn't notice me at first, their attention solely focused on hearing about Bella.

I was glad. I wanted to know as well.

Say what you will, but I _needed _to know if she was okay.

If she was alright then maybe, just fucking maybe, things would be bearable.

_That's a bunch of bullshit and you know it. _

Yes, I was fucking aware of that.

Didn't mean I wasn't going to hold out hope for it though.

Deciding to stop hiding from them I cleared my throat a few times, catching the attention of both of them.

I caught Carlisle's expression first. Though he wasn't yelling he was obviously angry with me. His jaw was tense and his hands were folded across his chest, all the while his eyes burned right through me.

Fuck I don't think I'd ever seen him like this.

It took almost everything I had to glance over at my aunt.

She wasn't even near her husband anymore, but walking slowly towards me. I prepared myself for the emotional tirade she was about to unleash on me.

But it never came.

"Jasper," She choked out, wrapping her arms around me tightly.

What the fuck? I didn't know how to respond to her. I wanted to shove her off of me and demand to know what the fuck she was thinking as well.

She should _not _be acting this way with me.

With her arms still wrapped around me, I turned to tell her something.

"I'm so fucking sorry," I whispered "I didn't know she was going to do something like this."

A tiny whimper escaped Esme's lips before practically jerking away from me.

Oh shit.

Gone was the warm Esme who I loved in my own way.

She was standing there with tears still glistening in her eyes, but now held a look disbelief.

"What did you say?" She shook her head, but before I could respond she had taken things into her own hands yet again.

Coming towards me I barely had time to blink before I felt her tiny, warm hand come in contact with my face. Being as it was quiet in the hallway, the slap resonated against the walls loudly.

"What did you do to her?" She screamed, placing her hands on my chest as more tears poured down her face. "God Jasper why do you keep fucking up!"

I did a double take of my aunt. I don't think I had _ever _heard her say single curse word in all my life.

It would've been funny had she not have meant it.

But I deserved her hatred. I never deserved her kindness in the first place.

She had every right to hit me. God knows I deserved far worse than a simple slap across the cheek.

I couldn't find words to tell her, to truly express the thoughts that were going through my mind at the very moment.

She wouldn't have believed me anyways.

"Esme," Carlisle came up to his wife and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder "we need to speak to the doctors. You need to calm down sweetheart. It's not good for the baby." He shot me a glance. One that told he me was completely disgusted with me.

I deserved that too.

But none of that mattered the second a doctor emerged seemingly out of nowhere and was heading straight towards us.

I didn't matter as soon as he approached them, a calm and stoic and expression on his face.

He gave no indication, as he stood there introducing himself, as to whether he was delivering good or bad news.

_And just what good news is he going to tell you guys? Dead or alive, that girl is fucked. _

No if she was alive then she wouldn't be _as _fucked as she could be.

I shook my head of those thoughts. I had no idea what the hell I was going through right now!

Thinking Bella was better off fucked then dead was not something I should be thinking about right now.

"Can you please tell me where my niece is?" Carlisle's question dragged me back to reality.

I took an unconscious step forward, avoiding the daggers Esme shot me when I did.

Hate me if she wanted to, but I needed to know just as much as they did.

When he didn't say anything for a moment, I felt like I was going to be sick all over again. God, if he didn't say anything really soon I was going to fucking shake the answer out of him.

"Your niece Bella," He hedged and I felt my chest tighten when he paused "is very lucky to be alive."

A low gush of air escaped my lungs and I saw as Carlisle and Esme do the same.

"If this young man hadn't been there and hadn't found her when he did, there's a very good chance that she wouldn't be alive right now. She would've bled to death."

I hated that he was praising me. Asshole had no idea.

"Bled?" Esme face dropped. "What happened to her?"

"Well from what it looks like, it appears to have been some sort of suicidal attempt."

Oh here we fucking go again!

The two adults gasped, turning to look at me quickly.

"She has five deep cuts on both her wrists, three on the left and two on the right. It would appear that she used some sort of knife or something to that affect."

"Is she awake?"

He shook his head. "She hasn't regained consciousness I'm afraid."

"And what does that mean exactly? Are you telling me that my niece might never wake back up?"

The doctor held up his hand to stop Carlisle. "She's in a very deep sleep and we won't know the extent of the damage until she wakes up. There shouldn't be too much though. You are welcome to go in and see her if you'd like."

"Yes, thank you." Carlisle shook his hand, having calmed down in a matter of seconds. Guess now that he knew Bella was alive, he wouldn't be acting like such an out of control jackass.

_Bella is his family. I think he has every right to be acting that way._

As soon as the doctor gave them clearance, the two of them were practically racing down the hallway towards Bella's room.

They hadn't forbid me from doing so, so I followed behind them. I made sure to keep enough distance between myself and them though. I had a feeling that if I got too close too soon they'd tell me to stay the hell away.

We reached her room shortly, the two of them walking in quickly to her bedside.

I reached the doorway, but I couldn't bring myself to step foot in the room.

Memories and images of the night when Rosalie died flashed before me and I wanted nothing more than to turn around and walk back out.

Though Rosalie died and Bella had lived, there was no denying the similarities to the two of them.

The big factor was that I had been there.

I wasn't able to save my sister that night, but I somehow managed to get to Bella in time.

_That doesn't exactly right all your wrongs, jackass. _

Of course it didn't. If anything it only made me feel like an ever bigger idiot.

I had saved Bella from something she did because of me. I just knew she had done it because of me. I had pushed her too far, broken her down one too many times.

Talk about gut wrenching guilt.

I stood there and watched them lean over Bella and mumble things that I couldn't hear.

They each stood on each side of her, Esme taking Bella's hand and squeezing it tightly while Carlisle leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

"Jasper," Esme turned to me after a few minutes "come."

I complied, my feet overpowering my mind's plea to not move, and found myself standing at the foot of the bed.

I took a minute to look at Bella and try and figure things out.

It didn't work.

Between her peaceful looking face as she slept and the thick gauzes wrapped around her wrists I found myself both turned on and disgusted.

God, I was really one twisted motherfucker if I was thinking about Bella in that manner while she lay asleep in a fucking hospital bed.

The disgust wasn't as prominent as I thought it would be and that scared the shit out of me. All these months I had been so convinced that she was this cruel bitch who destroyed everything she touched, but come to find out she wasn't that way at all.

She had never wanted any of this and yet there she lay as a result of some fucking twisted plan to break her.

_Well guess you succeeded this time around. Does her almost dying make you the winner?_

"Young man," I glanced up to find Esme staring at me "you tell me what in the hell happened."

I thought briefly about debating, saying that I had barely gotten to the house when I found her. But I knew that shit wouldn't fly. When Bella woke up, they would ask her the same thing.

And if they found out I lied I'd be in ever deeper shit than I already was.

"I pushed her." _Well way to be fucking cryptic! _

"You did what?" They clearly did not understand.

"I made her do it damn it. I've been pushing her ever since that day we both arrived at the house. It's been this game between the two of us ever since. I fucking started it. I wanted her to hate me and I wanted to break her before she could do it to me. We were constantly trying to outdo the other. I swear…I didn't know she was going to do something this stupid."

Their eyes were wide as saucers as they stared at me with a mixture of anger and shock.

Yea, they hadn't even seen what was going on under their own roof. As much as I knew it wasn't, a part of me wanted to blame them for this.

If they hadn't brought us to live with them at the exact same time, maybe none of this would've happened.

"But why would she do something so dangerous? Why would she go to such an extreme to…to try and prove a point to you? I thought you two didn't even like each other."

My aunt had been pretty keen until that last statement.

"I thought I hated her too," I mumbled under my breath, but I'm sure they heard me.

"Why Jasper," she pressed "can you please just tell us."

Shit, there was no turning back now.

"I told her something, called her something that I shouldn't have. I didn't really mean it though I was too fucked in the head from the night before to even be thinking straight."

"What happened last night?"

"Bella and I," I glanced at the two of them "we had sex."

Something so normal caused red flags to go flying in their eyes.

"Why in God's name did you do that?" Carlisle raised his voice a fraction while he glared at me.

"We were both fucked last night. In case you two forgot, yesterday was the fifteenth." I waited for realization to strike them before continuing.

"We were both looking for some kind of release, a way to numb all the pain and guilt."

"And you didn't realize what you were doing until it was too late?"

"We weren't really all there. Bella was drunk and I was…" Oh, fuck.

"You were what?" Esme stepped closer to me. "For God sake's Jasper don't tell me…" She hedged and waited for me to finish her statement.

"I was fucking high alright? I met some guy and he came over and brought me something to make me calm down."

"You were doing drugs in my house!" Esme stared at me incredulously. "I…I thought you didn't do that anymore Jasper."

"Yea well old habits die hard. Bella was going to do it too, but she changed her mind and instead drank half a bottle of tequila she found in the kitchen."

"What is the matter with you two? What is it going to take for you two to see that you are in desperate need of help? Jesus Carlisle I told you when they first got here that we should've sent them to counseling or something."

I snickered. "That isn't going to help us, I can tell you that right now. We're both beyond help Esme."

"You don't know that. You haven't even tried! You spend all your time trying to hurt each other when you should be focused on taking care of yourselves!"

God, she chose now to put all the pieces together?

"He's right Esme. We can't force them to get help. They aren't our children."

What an asshole. He was all the family Bella had now.

"Then why the fuck did you take us in? What, you felt sorry for the fuck ups?"

"That's not what he means sweetie!" Esme had suddenly shifted from hating me to wanting to protect me. "I just want you to get better. I…I thought that if you came to live with us for awhile, you would start to move on because you were far away from where you lived and where Rosalie died."

My chest tightened, but I bit my tongue to stop from saying something to her.

"I wish you could see all the pain you're causing not only yourself, but apparently Bella as well. She's been thought a lot too honey. And instead of the two of you talking and seeing that you aren't alone when it comes to things like this, you chose to hurt each other even more."

I didn't say anything, but I knew she was right. She was right on so many fucking levels.

"Look at her Jasper," she waved her hand towards Bella "you can't possibly tell me that you don't ache for her, that you don't feel responsible for what happened."

Of course I did! I wouldn't be standing here if I didn't.

"I fucked up. I don't know what more you want me to say."

Her face dropped a little. "Jasper," she shook her head "you really need to stop doing this. You need to stop pretending like you don't care. I can see it…you care about Bella. I'm sure you were scared beyond words when you found her."

I was. For a minute I thought I had been some fucking nightmare and wanted to desperately wake up from it.

"When Bella wakes up the four of us are going to have to discuss some things. You can't continue living this way. Not only is it not good for you, but it's also highly irresponsible. Bella was lucky this time, but I will sit around and wait for the next tragedy to strike my family."

"I don't want your help Carlisle. I never did."

"That's just it," he shook his hands in exasperation "you don't want anything from us. Don't you see that all your aunt wants is to help you, make you a better person. That can't happen unless you admit to yourself that you have a problem."

"I can admit it all I want, but it isn't going to change things. I _know _I have a problem, but that doesn't mean shit."

"Don't you want to get better?" Esme pleaded tearfully with me.

I didn't have an answer for her. Nothing I thought of at the moment could possibly make her happy.

After a moment, my silence was enough confirmation to them that I didn't want help. They probably thought I hated them too.

I deserved that hatred so I wouldn't fight it if that was the case.

After the conversation veering from Bella to myself, things calmed down somewhat.

No one knew what to say to the other, the tension was thick in the room.

After Esme's confession that she had wanted Bella and I to get some sort of professional help, it was clear that she and her husband were at odd ends with each other as well.

I hadn't wanted that. Again, they didn't deserve to be suffering because of the stupid things Bella and I did.

They, no matter how much I hated it here, had just been trying to help when they agreed for us to come live with them.

They had no idea what they signed themselves up for apparently.

I didn't leave the room after that moment. Esme had moved, going to sit beside Carlisle so I took her seat. I scooted it back a little bit so that I wasn't too close to Bella.

As soon as I sat down in that chair, I felt an almost magnetic charge between the two of us.

Fuck, even in a deep sleep, she still had this power over me. She was pulling me in towards her without even being conscious of it.

I didn't know how much time had passed, but the only sound filling the room was the drone of hospital machinery.

And it was driving me fucking crazy.

Even though I knew they were watching me, it didn't stop me from reaching out and taking her hand in mine once again.

Carefully minding her bandages, I felt a surge of relief flow through me when I found her hands to be warm instead of cold and shaky.

Glancing up I saw that she had a bit more color in her cheeks, but she was still rather pale looking. At least she didn't look like she was knocking on death's doorstep anymore.

Images of her blue lips and her trembling skin entered my mind and held her hand tighter.

The thought of Bella dying did not sit well with me what so ever.

I wouldn't have been able to handle it and I would've lived with that guilt for the rest of my life.

"If," my voice startled everyone one "if she hadn't of made it I…"

My statement, my confession was cut short when I felt a movement against my hand. Looking up, I could see Bella's eyes fluttering behind her eyelids.

She was going to wake up at any minute and I didn't know what to do about that.

What would she say when she saw me? I hardly thought she would give me thanks for saving her life.

Knowing I only had moments before she opened her eyes I knew I needed to make my decision quickly.

One more glance at her made it very clear to me as to what I had to do.

Letting go of her hand I set it back gently on the bed and stood quickly.

Esme opened her mouth, but I shook my head. "It's better this way."

As much as I didn't want to, I found myself backing up out the room slowly until I found myself standing in the hallway.

And it wasn't a second too soon.

Before long I could hear commotion in the room as Carlisle greeted his niece, asking her how she was feeling and all that other doctor shit they did.

"Jasper," her voice was frail and small "is he here?"

I felt my eyes widen. Having just woken up and she was asking about me out of all people?

This girl never failed to shock me.

The room fell silent for a second before any of them answered her.

"He's not here sweetie," Esme 's soothing voice flowed from the room.

"I…I want to see him."

Was she fucking kidding me? There was absolutely no reason for her to want to see me.

Seeing me would only make things worse right now. She wasn't thinking straight.

"I'm sorry honey, but maybe it's for the best right now if you don't see Jasper."

I was relieved my aunt voiced my unspoken thoughts.

"But…there's something I need to tell him."

I took one step towards the room, the pull growing stronger as I felt anticipation and fear rise in my veins.

"What do you need to tell him?"

"I need to see him and tell him something damn it," she hissed like she was in pain. "Just, can you find him?"

Not even in the room and I was still causing her pain.

Before they could answer her, I turned on my heel and walked away from the room.

I didn't look back. I couldn't.

Going back in there right now would only hurt her even more.

I couldn't do that to her.

I owed her that much after all the shit I had put her through.

Fuck, this was worse than I thought.

* * *

_Teaser for CH 22: As much as I blamed him, I couldn't find it in me to hate him. _

_That's when it hit me. _

_As much as I wanted him, I knew there was a part of me that needed him.  
_

_Well, shit, what the hell was I going to do now? _

_

* * *

_**Well at Bella's okay...in the sense that she's alive. These two are still fucked. **

**Jasper, after all that, walked away. **

**Esme sort of just weaved her way throughout this chapter & made herself a bigger part that originally planned. I'm glad though.  
**

**You know your reviews are my addiction! Love knowing what you thought!  
**


	22. Breakdown

**AN: You all are seriously the best, you have no idea!! My inspiration, hands down!!**

**I have to give major thanks to _Mommybrook _who's been pimping out my story! Thanks so much hun!!  
**

**And also to CatieLardin...who in the past ten minutes just offered her amazing help with her Beta skills!  
**

**So, go check out their work lovers!! **

**Onto the chapter. Bella sure missed you guys!**

**

* * *

  
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**Chapter 22: Breakdown**

**Heaven is on the way  
You could feel the hate  
but I guess you never will  
I'm on a roll again  
and I want an end  
'cause I feel you creeping in**

**What I found in this town  
I'm heading for a breakdown  
What's that sound, you're so loud  
I'm heading for a breakdown**

**Bella**

They say that death is peaceful, that life is harder.

Well whoever said that was a fucking genius.

Never in my life, since losing my mother, have I craved death as much as I did in this very moment.

I wanted it all to stop, wanted to forget everything that happened.

Of course that wasn't about to happen.

Between the constant beeping somewhere in the background, to the headache inducing mumbles of the people standing around my bed, I knew that I in fact was _not _dead.

Such a fucking shame, I thought God would've played in my favor just this once.

Even though I was conscious I refused to open my eyes. I didn't want to have to face the world quite yet.

So instead I lay there, feeling something taking hold of my hand and holding it for who knows how long.

Whoever was holding my hand, their touch was warm and I desired more.

Thinking about all that happened, I realized that I had been acting rather immaturely and carelessly. But at the time I didn't care.

I wanted to hurt myself, for the sake of perhaps feeling one ounce of relief.

Oh, well I sure as hell got my relief, but it wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be.

Sure it felt good in the beginning, but after a few minutes it all faded away into the background as pain and grief overtook me once more.

I should've known that cutting my wrists would only bring me momentary satisfaction. It wasn't all that different from the cigarette searing or any other time I had cut myself.

The pain went away for a little bit, but it always came right back to slap me in the face.

Just as it had that night I slept with Jasper.

_Jasper._

Fuck, even thinking his name made my stomach clench and my head throb.

I only hoped that the stupid heart monitor wouldn't start acting all funny just because I was thinking about Jasper far much more in my semi-unconscious state than I should be.

The more I thought about it, the longer I lay there and let thoughts of Jasper fill my mind, the faster the truth hit me.

As if someone had banged me over the head with a bottle of tequila, I quickly sobered up as a warm and somewhat unpleasant thought hit me.

As much as I blamed him for what happened, I couldn't find it in me to hate him.

That's when it hit me.

As much as I wanted him, I also knew that there was a part of me that simply _needed _him.

Well, shit, what the hell was I going to do now?

_Well, you have one of two choices dear. Either open your eyes and deal, or keep them close and hide forever._

Fuck that.

I was not a damn coward. Just because Jasper had nearly cost me my life, I wasn't going to shy away from him forever.

Why, because when it came down to it, this was partly my fault too.

There was no reason for me to have gone to such extremes to try and prove a point, but I did it anyway.

I was, after all, an addict with very little self control, especially when it came to Jasper.

Everything he did either pulled me in closer or pushed me further away. There was never an in between with the two of us and I don't think there ever would be.

As the pain medication started to wear off, I was became much more aware of my surroundings.

The hand that was holding mine became warmer and I could now feel each finger that was entwined with mine.

Wait, what the fuck?

It seemed highly unlikely that either Carlisle or Esme would be sitting here with their fingers locked with mine, but there was no one else would be doing so. Unless…

Oh, well fuck me.

It had to be Jasper sitting there beside me. There was no other logical explanation as to who else would be sitting in the room with me. Unless there was some overfriendly nurse in the room, but I highly doubted that.

I was torn with this sudden revelation.

I really wanted to open my eyes and confirm what I already knew, but another part of me wanted to keep them closed and relish in this moment just a little while longer.

Just like when I woke up this morning I wanted to allow myself a moment of selfish indulgence.

I deserved damn it, but I knew it wouldn't last forever.

So after about five more minutes of laying there, enjoying the way he was touching me as if I was someone important, I eventually had to break free from all of my foolish day dreams.

Just as I was about to start moving my hands and open my eyes, the warmth Jasper gave me was suddenly gone.

"It's better this way," his words were rushed, the quiet squeak of his shoes scraping against the hospital floor before I was surrounded by silence once again.

What the hell?

I knew I had to open my eyes.

I had wasted too much time daydreaming apparently.

It took a lot of energy to open up one eye, but as soon as I did I was instantly surrounded by my uncle and his wife.

They were staring down at me, standing on either side of the bed with looks of concern written all over their faces.

"Oh, honey" Esme spoke first, the back of her hand brushing my cheek "we were so worried about you."

I nodded, words failing me as I saw the tears glistening in her eyes. I knew it was probably because of all the pregnancy hormones, but something deep down told me that she had been genuinely terrified for me.

Esme Cullen fucking cared for me like her own daughter.

I don't know why I hadn't seen that before. All this time I had brushed it off, brushed her off as being this nagging and nosy woman.

But all along she had just wanted to help in any way she could.

She would never be my mother, but she knew that and she never attempted to try and take her place.

She was just trying to be there for me, a friend and confidant when I had no one.

She may not understand everything, but she was at least willing to just fucking be there.

That was something I sorely lacked in my life.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" Carlisle seemed to be in complete doctor mode, but there was a sense of relief and calm in his eyes as he looked at me.

Me, the niece he agreed to take in when my entire world had fallen apart.

Damn it, even Carlisle was trying to help in his own little way.

He and I may not get along all the time, but he was still family.

He was pretty much the only family I had these days.

I shook my head, the only thing I needed right now was to talk to a certain someone.

If I was going to try and make things right, then that meant making things right in every aspect in my life.

Though I wouldn't fully give Jasper the upper hand, I knew that the time had come for us to stop acting like this way towards each other.

Whether he agreed to it or not was something I was just going to have to wait and see.

He probably would laugh and tell me to fuck off, but at least my feelings would be out in the open for him to ponder on.

I couldn't see him being that cruel and use the way I felt for him to his advantage.

_Are we talking about the same Jasper here?_

Right, well I was never going to know unless I told him to his face.

He didn't scare me and I wasn't about to let that change.

Mustering enough energy I could, I sat up in the hospital bed, carefully minding the IV and bandages on my hands.

"Jasper," my voice was hoarse "is he here?"

Of course I knew that he had been, but I didn't want to seem like an idiot if it turned out he really wasn't.

The room fell silent for a moment, Esme trying to discreetly look over at Carlisle across the bed. He merely shook his head, Esme looking back down at me with a soft, sad smile.

"He's not here sweetie."

Fucking liar!

"I...I want to see him." The stammer in my voice surprised even me.

"I'm sorry honey, but maybe it's for the best right now if you don't see Jasper."

I shook my head firmly. "But…there's something I need to tell him." And I needed to tell him now before I lost what little confidence I had at the moment if had to wait any longer.

"What do you need to tell him?" She seemed both hopeful and scared. What, like anything I'd say to Jasper would be any worse then what he's done to me. Please, she had no idea.

I may be capable of hurting people, but he was extremely talented when it came to breaking people completely until they ultimately snapped.

I would fucking know.

"I need to see him and tell him something damn it," I hissed as I turned in the bed, my entire body sore from having been laying here for so long it seemed. "Just, can you find him?"

"Please don't put any added stress on yourself dear," Esme placed her hand on my arm "it's not good for you. I can go look for him, but I don't think he's here anymore."

The slip didn't go unnoticed by me. So I had been right. I knew it! I knew he had been sitting right here next to me just a few minutes ago.

If he was, then why the fuck did he get up and leave me!

_Leave you? Nothing was keeping him here with you Bella._

Well, shit, I knew that. It still didn't make sense though.

Nothing was forcing him to stay here and yet he did. Maybe he was feeling guilty over what happened? Well, if that was the case, then good. The asshole needed to feel bad after all the shit he put me through.

It, after all, had been my plan to prove that point to him.

I knew that Jasper cared for me, but he was too chicken to ever tell me to my face.

I could see it in his eyes, especially when he was trying to get me out of the house that afternoon he fucking shot up in the dining room.

It wasn't because he didn't want me to watch, but it was because he didn't want to cause me any more pain.

So, that would mean that he knew how I felt about him too, right?

How the hell could he do this to me? How could he teeter between these two different personas constantly?

"Will you please try and find him?" I asked her after a minute or so had passed and she still hadn't gone anywhere.

"Sure sweetheart. I'll be back." She nodded, leaving the room.

I leaned back, resting my head on the pillow and finally took the time to digest my surroundings.

It was your typical hospital room, standard bed in the middle and lots of white.

There were two chairs, one on either side of my bed, and a shit load of machines and IV bags to my right.

I looked at the bag of clear liquid, following the plastic tube until I reached where it entered my vein and was taped against my wrist.

I didn't even flinch when I saw it. A small needle pumping pain medication into my system was just what I needed right now.

Besides, that tiny poke was nothing compared to what was underneath those bandages.

I'm sure it sounded twisted, but I was almost positive that I was going to fall in love with the scars that were going to be left behind once they healed.

They were going to be fucking beautiful, I just knew it.

Almost like the bite mark I was still sporting on my inner thigh, or the various burn marks along my body.

Just another mark to add to my collection, so I guess some good came out of this fiasco.

_Yea good and fucking twisted._

Yes, and I loved it.

Looking up, I was a bit startled to see Carlisle still staring back at me.

His eyes looked defeated and he looked much older than he actually was.

"I fucked up didn't I?" I asked him the obvious.

He nodded. "Yes you did young lady, but I still love you. As soon as you get out of here we're all going to have a little chat about what we're going to do with you and Jasper."

I blinked and stared at him as if had just grown a second head. "How…how long do I have to stay here? And what are you going to accomplish by simply talking to us?"

"You'll have to stay here for at least three days." A new voice answered part of my question. I looked over, seeing a young doctor walking towards me. "How are you feeling Isabella?"

"It's Bella," I corrected him quickly "and why do I have to stay here for three days?" The seemed a little absurd to me. I mean for God sakes I was alive!

"Standard procedure," he came closer, chart in hand "we want to make sure you aren't going to try something dangerous like this again."

And three days in the hospital would prove it to him? God, did this guy realize how utterly stupid he sounded right now?

"I'm not the biggest fan of hospitals." I sat up a little high, pain shooting down my shoulders and arms.

"Yes, it looks like you spent about a year in a psychiatric hospital Bella. Is that correct?" He opened the chart and flipped through the pages some more. "And you've also lost a close family remember recently have you not?"

"That's what the fucking chart says so why are you asking me?"

"Bella," Carlisle placed a hand over mine "he's just doing his job."

"We have to keep you here for a few days given your history Bella. Of course three days cannot assure that you will not attempt this again, but I believe that we can work something out."

I didn't like the sound of that. Before he could continue, Esme walked back into the room.

There was no one with her.

I felt my chest tighten for a second.

He fucking left me again!

Asshole, this was all his fault. God damn it!

"Doctor," Esme came closer, standing beside Carlisle "would you recommend that Bella get some sort of counseling or something?"

I glared at her.

"Well it would definitely be something to consider. I think if Bella could speak to someone who isn't family it could be good for her."

I wanted to laugh, but deep down I knew that they probably had a point.

I just had to keep reminding myself that they were trying to help me, not punish me.

"Fine," I exhaled slowly "send me to fucking counseling."

What did I know? Maybe it would help me.

"I can have someone from that department contact you, or will Bella not be living with you anymore?"

That one threw me for a loop. "Where the hell am I going to go?" Wait," I turned to face my uncle "you're not sending me away are you?"

God, I hoped not. It wasn't fair if he was. "Carlisle, please, I don't want to go back to another hospital. I…I just fucking can't go back."

He eyed me, trying to get a read on my facial expression. "Bella, I'm not sending you away. You are welcome to live with us for as long as you want to, or until you start to get better. You need help honey and I think it's time you got it."

"And Jasper, you're not sending him away are you?"

They all exchanged confused looks. "We have no plans to send him anywhere either, Bella, but Jasper should not be a main concern to you right now."

_Too late for that._

"I just…well it wouldn't be fair. If I have to get help then so should he, right?"

"Bella, please focus on yourself for right now okay?"

Fuck, why wouldn't they answer me?

"Bella would it be alright if I checked under your bandages, I want to make sure there's no bleeding or anything going on?"

Thankful for the change of subject, I nodded and sat up again.

I watched with curious eyes as he carefully pulled back the white gauze off my right wrist, the sight greeting me almost making me smile.

I heard Esme gasp lightly as the two long lines were fully revealed.

Looking down I turned my wrist and admired my work.

I had done more damage than I originally thought.

"You're very lucky you didn't pierce the skin deep enough to cause any internal damage. May I ask what you used Bella?"

I knew my answer would kill them, but I said it anyways. "I used one of Esme's crafting knives."

"Oh Bella," Esme whispered sadly, shaking her head.

"Don't blame yourself Esme, you couldn't have known. Hell, I didn't even know if I was ever going to use it." I tried to reassure her, but it didn't seem to be working. I could see the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks at any second.

"You'll be scarred Bella, but I don't think you'll have any complications. As long as you keep them clean so you don't run the risk of infection."

_Scarred_, God I loved the sound of that. The thought of thick, red lines that would forever remind me of this one little moment in time caused excitement to course through my veins.

Actually, it was a pretty fucking big moment in time to be honest.

Sure I was excited to have a fresh set of scars in the next coming weeks, but it would also be a reminder of how foolish I had been acting all these months.

Not to say that some it wasn't fun, fucking twisted even, but I knew it all needed to stop.

It wouldn't be easy, probably taking me years to fully be 'healed.' Even then there was no guarantee that I'd ever be fully healed.

There was no denying the fact that this game I had gotten myself involved in with Jasper had taken a great toll on me.

I never expected to get involved in something like this.

In the past few months, so much shit had gone down between us that I was positive I wasn't going to just move on from it in a matter of days or even months.

It takes time to heal, and it was about time I started working reaching that goal.

The doctor checked my other wrist, my reaction exactly the same when I saw the still fresh lines. I could almost feel the knife running over my skin as I looked at them.

"Well Bella," He fixed them all up "everything seems to be okay. I'll come back to check on you once you're settled in your room."

"Okay," I nodded, watching as he said goodbye to my uncle and Esme.

Once he was gone, I asked the question that had been on my mind as soon as Esme walked back in alone.

"You didn't find him?"

She pursed her lips, looking at me sadly. "I did."

She what? "Well then where is he?"

"Sweetie, he doesn't want to see you right now."

That was a low blow, the air rushing out of my lungs. "Why the fuck not, this is his fault."

"You might not believe me, but Jasper feels extremely guilty over what happened. He didn't come out and say it, but I could see it in his eyes. I think he was terrified when he found you unconscious. I think…I think he thought what happened to his sister was going to happen to you."

He thought I was going to die? Well, even though I knew I shouldn't, that made me feel somewhat good.

If he was scared it meant he did care about me in his own twisted way.

Maybe he didn't like hospitals and didn't want to be here any longer.

_Are you trying to convince yourself?_

Yes, yes I was.

Wasn't really working out for me though.

"I still need to talk to him though. There's something he needs to know."

"I'm sure once you come home he will talk to you honey." Esme reassured me and I almost believed her, but I knew better.

"You're lying," I whispered, turning my head away from them "he doesn't want to see me."

"Honey," She rushed to my side, wrapping her arms around me and pulled me in close. "Please don't be upset sweetie. Jasper…well Jasper has his own issues to deal with right now. He _will _talk to you, I'll make sure of it."

I shook my head. "No," I choked out "if he doesn't want to talk to me, then don't force him. I'm tired of fighting with him. I…I just want to get better."

The words shocked the hell out of me, but they rang so true in my mind.

It was the right thing to do, it had always been the right thing to do.

Esme pulled away, her comforting eyes searching mine. "Ok sweetie. We're going to make sure that happens okay? We won't push you, but we will be there for whatever you may need us for."

"Thank you. I know I've been a major bitch to your both, and I'm sorry. I…it's so much easier for me to hate than it is to care."

"Shh, it's okay honey" She handed me a tissue so I could wipe my years away "we know things are hard on the both of you and we want nothing more than to help you. If you just let us, then I think you could be better before you know it."

In a blink Carlisle was at my bedside yet again. "She's right Bella, we're family."

I talked with them for another ten minutes or so before they took me up to my room. After I got all settled, they decided it was time to go back. I was almost certain Jasper was still in the hospital somewhere and they needed to talk to him as well.

"We'll back in the morning honey. I'll bring you some clothes so you're not sitting around in that horrendous gown." Esme smile, trying to make light of the situation.

She kissed my cheek, Carlisle doing the same. "Rest Bella, you're going to need it."

Didn't I know it?

As soon as they were gone, I turned on my side and pulled my knees up to my chest.

I thought about everything that happened over the past day or so.

I felt completely exposed, completely broken down like a rag doll.

But, in an odd turn of fucking events, I had a feeling that this would be for the best.

Regardless if Jasper wanted to speak to me again, I knew that my life didn't revolve around him.

If he didn't want to get better, then that was on him. I had no say in his life, no matter how much I secretly wanted to be a part of it.

I wanted to be that good in his life, but if he didn't want me then I didn't know if I had strength to fight him.

He was stubborn, but I still wanted him.

And that's why I needed to fucking talk to him!

_Keep dreaming dear Bella and maybe it'll come true._

I was going to just that.

I, after all, was a relentless bitch.

I could do this. All I had to do was get my head on straight and start looking towards the future.

Yea death would've been easier, but I needed a good challenge.

And life, at this very moment, was probably going to be the biggest one of them all.

* * *

_Teaser for CH 23_: _As soon as the words left my lips I knew my decision had been sealed. _

"_Tomorrow," I repeated "it has to happen tomorrow." _

_He nodded his head, eyes flickering with sadness. "If this is what you want Bella."_

_There was no other choice in the matter, this was the only way. _

_

* * *

_**Bella just had some huge revelations. About time girl! Sure she's twisted, but damn I love her!**

**Let me know what you thought my loves! You know I'm addicted to your thoughts!!  
**


	23. Breaking The Habit

**AN: My beautiful, ever amazing readers, thank you! This is the longest chapter to date, but Bella has a lot to say & I didn't have the heart to break it off. **

**To my Twitter girls ( you know who you are!!) You keep me going when I need it most! **

**My Beta, you know you're awesome babe!**

**As always, no one belongs to me...just this crazy ass plot line**

**

* * *

  
**

**Ch 23: Breaking the Habit**

**I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
to show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight**

**Bella**

The following three days passed in a rather boring fashion.

Esme would arrive every morning, promptly at ten of course, and stay with me almost the entire day.

She would always come in with a small paper bag that contained two blueberry muffins and a bottle of apple juice. She would sit back and watch me pick at the damn muffin while she sipped on her tea.

Who knew Esme Cullen was so observant. I had never told her that these were my favorite and yet she delivered.

Though things between the two of us had gotten better we weren't exactly the best of friends. Conversation was sometimes awkward and tense between the two of us. Thank God there was a television in that room otherwise we probably would've gone fucking crazy.

Now that she was pregnant Esme was much more antsy and was constantly moving around the room. That combined with the fact that she had to use the bathroom every twenty minutes was enough to make me nauseous just looking at her.

Carlisle would come on his way home from work, but he would only stick around for a half an hour or so.

I quickly came to realize that my uncle, though a brilliant doctor in his own right, was pretty fucking freaked over what I did.

I couldn't blame him though. It was one thing to deal with death and injuries, but when it was someone in your own family, all bets were off.

Carlisle seemed to be one of those doctors. So after his brief visits and he'd ask me the exact same questions, he and Esme would leave me for the night.

I craved that moment when they left, leaving me to spend the night by myself.

I never used to be that way. In fact, I used to be scared shitless when it came to staying someplace all alone.

But then after that stay in the psych hospital everything changed.

Though I was constantly surrounded by girls and nurses, it was the loneliest place in the fucking world. Held hostage by your own thoughts and actions did not make for the best of times, but it was either that or deal with the cruel reality that was all around you twenty four-seven.

I chose the first option and I guess the desire to be alone stuck with me after all.

I didn't sleep much at night, the TV and heart monitor humming in the background all night were my only friends.

As much as I tried to keep my focus on the task at hand my thoughts would constantly drift towards the one person I shouldn't be thinking about.

Believe me the fact that I was thinking about Jasper in the middle of the night was not my original intention, but he still consumed my thoughts when I least expected it.

Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he had actually come back to talk to me, but the fucker didn't show his face once during those three days.

All he needed to do was show his face and things would've been ten times better than they were right now.

Fuck I wasn't even expecting an apology from him, even though I sure as hell deserved one.

I just wanted him to be in the same room.

Even gone I could practically feel the push and pull between the two of us, that fucking invisible string that pulled me right towards him.

I still hadn't found a logical explanation as to why I was so drawn to him, but I was an addict so a lot of things that went through my mind didn't make much sense.

That much I was positive of.

In fact, that only reason I was able to fall asleep for a few hours every night was because I was thinking about Jasper.

Talk about fucking ironic right? The fact that the only way I could fall asleep in the hospital was by thinking about the guy who fucking put me in here.

How in God's name did that make any fucking sense what so ever!

I would think of him as I lay on my side, staring at the white wall in front of me, until I could practically feel him beside me.

My eyes would only slide shut when I envisioned him beside me, arms wrapped around my waist and face buried in my hair, as I drifted off into a somewhat peaceful sleep.

His breath and the steady thump of his heart was something I could literally feel, the memory from that morning etched so thickly in my mind.

It was perfect, it was calming.

And then, after a good four hours, it was all over.

Reality would come back to me and I would realize that Jasper had never been in the room with me, never slept beside me in the hospital bed making me feel safe and protected.

_Jasper is the last person who should make you feel safe. Are you fucking stupid Bella? _

No, I wasn't stupid. I was just caught up in a rather childish fantasy, that's all.

I knew something like that would _never _happen in this lifetime, but it didn't stop me from thinking it.

Believe me I couldn't stop those fantasies even if I fucking wanted to.

******

I was going home today. Thank fucking god. I don't think I was capable of handling another day in this place. Hospitals, after all, were not my favorite place in the world.

Between being in one myself and then having to go to one when my mother died, I wanted to stay far away as possible from them as possible.

Memories weren't good when I thought too much about my previous visits to hospitals.

Esme arrived at her usual time, a bright smile on her face, and was talking a mile a minute.

"I'm so glad you're coming home sweetie." She stood beside me, patting my hand as she placed a bag on my lap.

_Home_, those four letters seemed so foreign to me. Did I even consider that place my home?

_It's all you got Bella, where else are you going to go?_

Right, guess it was whether I liked it or not.

I peered inside the bag, frowning when I saw a brand new outfit staring back at me.

"You bought me new clothes Esme? I've only been here for three days not three weeks."

She waved her hand at me. "I bought these for you last week and I forgot to give them to you before Carlisle and I left. But then…" She trailed off. "Well, you know."

Esme hadn't really mentioned what I did by name, but I couldn't really blame her either.

Maybe talking about blood and scars made her squeamish, who knows. And the last thing I needed was hormonal and pregnant Esme puking. I couldn't handle that shit.

Not wanting Esme to have an emotional outburst I decided to just placate her and accept the outfit instead of bitching about it.

I took it a step further so she'd really know I wasn't pissed at her. "Will you help me?"

"Oh, yes of course!" She closed the door to the room before coming back to me.

I was by no means helpless in this situation, but I was running low on energy from the lack of nutrients in my system. Hospital food was just nasty and I only ate less than half of what they brought me.

Deciding there was no need to slowly make my way into the bathroom I just had her help me stand up beside the bed. I slipped off the baggy t-shirt and old pair of shorts I had requested she bring to me and handed them to her.

She handed me the new pair of jeans and red tank top. A bit of an ironic color choice given everything that happened, but I kept my mouth shut.

Esme was folding my old clothes, but I could see her watching me out of the corner of my eye. She stopped entirely when I bent one of my legs to put the jeans on.

Her eyes widened in the slightest and for a second I was confused as to what the hell she was staring at.

And then it hit.

"Shit," I grumbled and pulled up the pants as fast as I could.

"Is…is that what I think it is?" She stared, a mixture of sadness and intrigue. Well what the fuck was that all about?

"A bite mark," I picked up the tank top and slipped it over my head, combing my hair with my fingers "yea. Jasper got a little carried away."

"I see," She nodded and quickly dropped the subject. Up until that moment I hadn't even known if they knew that we slept together. I guess they did.

The two of them knowing didn't surprise me, but rather the fact that Jasper told them. I wondered what else he had told them and to what degree. I hoped he hadn't tried to pin this all on me, because that would be a pretty fucked up thing to do. Even for him.

Once I was dressed we waited around for the doctor to come by and discharge me.

Finally, after two hours of awkward silence and idle chit chat, the doctor showed up.

"Ah, Isabella, I see you're all ready to go home."

I nodded, pushing my hair behind my ears. "Yea, guess I am."

"Well let's just take one more look under the bandages shall we?"

I sat on the bed with my legs dangling off the side as I watched him carefully pull back the gauze so he could get a look at my cuts. There had been so many times when I wanted to peel them back myself, but knew I'd get in trouble by the nurses.

They were still fresh so all it looked like was a thick red mess with medication on them to prevent infection.

"Everything looks good, given the circumstances." I bit back my laugh. That fucker, just sign the papers so I can get the hell out of here. "I assume that you will be able to keep these clean Isabella?"

"It's Bella," I felt my patience wearing thin. "And yes I'm capable of taking care of the mess I made."

I glanced up catching Esme shaking her head, but at the same time she seemed to want to smile or something like that.

The doctor wasn't fazed in the slightest. "Very well then, I just need to sign your discharge papers and you'll be all set. A nurse should be in shortly to give you some gauze and other supplies you can take home."

"Thanks." Even though he got on my nerves, I was glad that he was letting me go home.

After he left a nurse came in quickly after him and began rambling about all kinds of shit, handing me a bag of things I'd need to take care of the cuts.

Once she was gone, I was about ready to snap at someone.

Esme noticed and quickly came over to help me. "Come on sweetie let's get you out of here."

"Thank fucking God." I slid my arm into hers, the two of us slowly making our way down the hallway.

As we did I could see people, patients and visitors, looking at me. They would look at me and then drop their gazes to the thick band of white that encircled each of my wrists.

Without knowing they probably all assumed that I was some crazy bitch who had tried to commit suicide. Well, fuck them. What did they know?

"Don't mind them," Esme patted my arm, "they're idiots." I watched as she shot a few glares of her own. At that moment I felt something change between the two of us.

She may have her moment where she's annoying as fuck, but it was becoming clear that she'd do anything to protect me.

And for that I couldn't help but love her. No one, besides my mother, had ever done something like that for me before.

Between my lack of energy and Esme's new slower pace it took us quite awhile to reach her car, but once inside we were quickly driving away from the hospital.

It was someplace I didn't want to ever step foot in for a long time.

Esme took over the conversation thankfully, which allowed me to just stare out the window. It felt so strange, seeing everything almost as if for the first time. I guess in a way it was. I was out cold and bleeding everywhere the first time I came this way, so I just let my eyes roam over everything.

She talked about the baby and some client she was working with, but I could hardly keep up with her. Especially as we got closer to house, I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what I may or may not encounter there.

Would Jasper even talk to me, would he even be there waiting?

If he was would he be willing to see past all this bullshit and start to realize what was right in front of him?

_You already know the answer to that one. _

Yea, I guess I did.

Fuck, this was going to be harder than it would've been had he come back to see me in the hospital.

But I couldn't chicken out, especially now. The decision to have my life not revolve around Jasper seemed a bit of a contradiction and I damn well knew it.

It was like the harder I tried not to think about him, the harder it was _not _to think about him.

Such a never ending cycle when it came to him and I don't know when and if it would ever end.

Even if he told me he hated me and never wanted to see me again could I really just stop thinking about him? Sure I could stop talking to him, but I don't think I had it in me to stop my thoughts.

I had no control over them so I'd be out of luck.

By the time Esme pulled up to the house my stomach was in knots and I felt like I was going to keel over from the nerves that wracked my body.

"He's in the house somewhere. I told him he wasn't allowed to leave." Esme gave me a reassuring smile, but I just stared at her like she had grown a second head.

Was she for fucking real? She did not tell him that!

"Great," I groaned as I stepped out the car, grabbing my bag, I started walking towards the front door.

Before Esme could unlock it or before I could knock the door swung open, revealing a rather anxious and defeated looking Jasper.

That look, of course, was short lived and was replaced by his detached façade by the time I caught his gaze again.

He stepped aside, his eyes never leaving mine as I walked into the house. I could feel him staring at me as I stood like a fool in the middle of the living room, like some schoolgirl who didn't know what to do with myself.

"I'm going to fix you something to eat Bella." Esme had the perfect excuse to leave Jasper and I alone in the living room, but at the same time she'd be close enough in case some shit went down.

She flitted out of the room and I plopped down on the couch, suddenly feeling exhausted beyond words. I curled my legs underneath me and began picking at a stray thread of gauze.

I felt him before I saw him. Cautiously walking into the living room Jasper stood as far away as he possibly could. He eyed me with hesitation, as if one wrong word would send me into another downward spiral.

Oddly enough I felt no remorse. If he felt even the tiniest amount of guilt…well that gave me some satisfaction. It would also mean that I had broken him down just a little bit.

"Bella," His low voice called me from my thoughts, my full attention belonging to him. I took that moment to look him over.

Three days, but he looked like shit. His hair was unrulier than normal and the dark circles under his eyes were a stark contrast to his skin.

Had he not been sleeping well? If not why wouldn't he have just taken those damn sleeping pills?

_Why are you so worried? It's pretty clear he's beat up about all this. Looks like you did break him Bella. _

I refused to believe that until he said the words himself. I _needed _him to say it, anything to tell me he felt the same way.

"Bella," he repeated my name, this time coming closer and sitting on the coffee table in front of me. Good thing Esme was isn't in the room or she would've thrown a fucking fit. "There's something I need to tell you."

I blinked twice. Was this really happening? Could it really be that simple? Well, fuck, let's hear it!

Swallowing nervously I met his gaze. "What?"

"This," his eyes flickered down to my wrists for a second "everything that happened. It...It doesn't fucking change anything ok?"

Every ounce of reserve shattered at that statement. No, no he wasn't about to fucking do this to me damn it!

"You're lying. I see it in your eyes." I leaned forward and placed my hands on top of his.

He shook his head, but made no attempt to move my hands. "You don't know anything Bella. You don't know the shit that goes through my head. You don't have a fucking clue."

"I do and that's why you're so afraid of me. That's why you wanted to hurt me so badly. If you could just realize that too then maybe we can…"

His head snapped back up, eyes narrowing. "That we what, can become best friends?" He laughed, bitter and short. "Have you lost your damn mind?"

I attempted to answer him, but he continued. "What's it going to take for you to leave me the fuck alone Bella? Was you slitting your wrists and almost dying not enough?"

I was taken aback by his comments. "You don't want me to leave you alone. You just don't want me to see what's behind all your bullshit. Well too late because I've already caught glimpses of it. I know you wanted to break me, because I wanted to do the same. It's so much easier for you to hate me than it is to care, but I'm tired of hating you. I'm tired of it all. I just…I just want to be."

He didn't answer me for a minute and it looked as though someone had just slapped him in the face. I prayed that it would get through his head what I was trying to tell him here.

"Then go 'be' with someone else. I _can't _be what you're looking for Bella. Nothing about me is good, you should know that firsthand. Everything I touch I fucking destroy. I…I can't do that with you. I refuse to break you, not anymore. It's not worth it."

I heard what he said, but it made so sense what so ever.

"So you're going to avoid me for the sake of not wanting to hurt me anyone? Are you fucking stupid? Can you not see what you're doing to me?" I stood, my hands slipping away from his. "What's it going to take for _you _to see what's right in front of you?"

His silence was just as heart-breaking as the words would've been.

He had already made his decision and he wasn't going to change it anytime soon.

He didn't want me, didn't want to break me any further.

Even if he was lying to himself and to me, I couldn't push him anymore. I couldn't force him to think something when it was clear he wanted nothing to do with me.

"Fine," I backed up away from him "maybe one day you'll stop being this heartless bastard who pretends to hate the world. I'm done, I'm so fucking done."

As soon as my feet hit the stairs I was walking up as fast as I could, air coming out in short pants by the time I reached my room. Walking in I found it to be all clean, no sign of what I had done in sight.

Crawling onto the bed, I lay there for God only knows how long.

_Well, Bella, at least you told him. That's more than you can say for Jasper. He's not worth your tears baby, so not fucking worth it._

Right, he wasn't. This was about me now, about me getting better.

******

It's been a little over four weeks since everything happened. Four weeks since I was found in the shower bleeding, since I came to the conclusion that I needed to get my act together, and since Jasper basically told me that nothing had changed between us.

True to his word, he's barely said anything to me since I've been back.

I've tried to distract myself, but it hasn't been easy. I had been to therapy three times since I've been back, but it hasn't really helped me all that much.

My doctor told me things I already knew. She made me bring up memories that I had tried to bury away. Talking about my mother and Jasper didn't really help my situation in the slightest, but I was going to keep going.

It was the first step in trying to make things right in my life.

The second thing was working towards getting my GED. Since I had missed the start of this semester, I was going to start by taking some online courses come January. Esme helped me pick them out, saying that taking two classes online might be better than throwing me right back into the social environment of a school.

It was mid September now and already the weather was starting to change. Sifting through my closet I realized that I had only brought mostly summer clothes when I moved in here. In a few weeks this wouldn't cut it and I'd start to freeze my ass off.

As if reading my mind there was a knock on the door, a very pregnant Esme walking in a moment later.

I looked at her over my shoulder and smiled. I swear every day that woman was getting bigger, but she was so fucking happy that I couldn't help but share in her excitement when she was around sometimes.

"Bella," She stepped closer to me, wrapping her tiny arms around me "happy birthday honey."

I cringed. She had fucking remembered.

"Thanks." I pulled away from her and looked towards my closet, an idea hitting me. "I know this is going to sound incredibly vain and selfish, but do you think I can get some new clothes?"

Her smile, if possible, grew wider. "Oh course baby. I was just coming to get you anyways. You have an appointment today that we should get going to."

I looked at her. "For what," I hadn't remembered her mentioning this before. "Why?"

"It's nothing honey, I just want you to have a check-up and make sure everything is okay."

Well way to be fucking cryptic. "Um, okay. Just let me get dressed. I'll be down in ten."

She nodded, leaving me be. I dressed quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans and black long sleeve shirt before combing my hair and brushing me teeth.

I was downstairs in ten, Esme already waiting for me. Shit, she must be really eager to get to this appointment. I followed her out towards the car, getting in slowly.

Halfway to town, I just had to know. "So why do I have an appointment today? Is it for my cuts?" I glanced down at them. They no longer had to be bandaged, but they were still in the healing process so I had to be careful.

"Well no not exactly. I've just been noticed that you've been really low on energy lately and I just want to make sure everything's okay."

It was true. I found myself getting tired much more easily than usual and my emotions seemed to be all over the place as of lately. More than normal I mean.

We arrived at what I could only assume was her doctor's office and slowly got out. I suddenly had a really bad feeling about this. A nagging feeling in the pit of stomach that grew with each step I took towards the building.

I felt an arm loop through mine. "Everything's going to be okay honey." She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes and I had the sudden feeling that she knew something that I didn't. About my own fucking body no less!

I had no other choice but to follow her.

******

Six hours had passed since that God awful doctor's appointment and now I found myself sitting in my bedroom, Esme right beside me as we waited for Carlisle.

"He'll never go for it." I twisted my hands in my lap. "I know he won't."

"What are you going to tell him Bella?" She seemed wary, the fact that perhaps I was asking her to lie to her husband.

"If I tell him he'll be pissed and he for sure won't let me leave Esme. You know that."

She nodded, but I could tell she didn't exactly agree with me. Before we could talk some more Carlisle was in my bedroom, his gaze falling on the two of us.

"Alright girls, what's going on?" Ever since I told him I needed to speak to him at dinner, he had been rather anxious.

"Bella has something she needs to tell you. Go on honey." She squeezed my hand, her silent assurance that she would stand by my side. We now had this shared bond between us it would seem.

I glanced up at my uncle, trying to find the strength. "I...I can't live here anymore."

His eyes widened. "Why? Did something happen? I thought things were getting better?"

I sighed. I knew he wasn't going to make this easy. "They are getting better, but I think if I want to continue getting better than I can't live here anymore."

"And where do you suggest you go?"

I bit my lip. "Back to San Francisco, it's my home Carlisle. It's my city."

He shook his head. "But what if something happens to you? What guarantee do we have you'll continue going to therapy?"

"Because I need it Carlisle, I can't stay here. Not while he's still living here."

The lies came smoothly, but I know that a lot of this was truth in some odd way.

"Please Carlisle I'm really fucking trying to get better, but I can't do it here. I have to go back. I'm still going back to school. Hell I'll even get a job…"

"No," He held up his hand, looking over at Esme. "If you're to go back I want you to focus on school and getting better, leave the financial aspect up to us."

"Does…does that mean you're letting me move back?" I could feel the emotion thick in my voice.

He nodded. "I trust you Bella, but letting you leave will not come without some conditions."

Of course not, but that was fine by me. "Tell me."

"You are to call either Esme or myself at least twice a week and I will make sure to get reports from whatever therapist you choose to see. I want a track of how you're doing in school. Don't think for a second young lady that I'm going to let you fall back into your old habits. Not when you're trying to make it right."

It all seemed a little extreme to me, but I agreed to it anyways. I knew it made Carlisle sound like an over controlling ass, but it was only because he didn't want a repeat of what happened last month.

"Now, just tell me when you want to leave…"

"Tomorrow," I cut him off and as soon as the words left my lips I knew my decision had been sealed.

"Tomorrow," I repeated "it has to happen tomorrow."

He nodded his head, eye flickering with sadness. "If this is what you want Bella."

There was no other choice in the matter, this was the only way.

"Very well, well we'll get you back to the city tomorrow and I will stay with you until we can find you a safe apartment to live in."

I couldn't keep my emotions at bay anymore and I found myself flinging my arms around my uncle. "Thank you, thank you so fucking much."

He patted my hair, hugging me a bit tighter. "I just want you to get better and to be happy Bella, that's all I want."

They left me, allowing me to pack what little I had with me.

I fell asleep early, the events of today weighing heavily on my shoulders.

This morning I woke up a beginning recovering addict.

Tonight I was going to bed eighteen and changed.

Talk about a happy fucking birthday.

******

I woke up early, my alarm shining bright in the still dark room. It was a little after six, but I was wide awake and ready to go.

Carlisle came in and grabbed what little bags I had. I followed him quietly down the stairs where Esme was already waiting for me.

I hugged her for what seemed like forever, tears spilling down our cheeks.

"It's going to be okay baby," she kissed my cheek "and know that you're always welcome to come back okay?"

I nodded. "I'll call you…all the time." I would make good on that promise. It was the least I could do after everything she was doing for me.

"Did you tell him?" She whispered as Carlisle walked back inside.

"No," I shook my head. "It's better this way."

She looked away, nodding her head. "Okay then."

One more hug and I walked out of the house and climbed into Carlisle's car. I watched as we drove off, the house fading into the background until it was a mere dot in the mirror.

Turning back I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes, the sun barely beginning to rise.

As we drove I thought back to Esme's question.

Was I being selfish by not saying goodbye? Probably, but I knew there's no way I'd be able to leave if I saw him one last time.

Why, because I fucking loved him that's why.

The truth hit me, but it didn't shock me as much as it should have. I guess I had known all along.

Go fucking figure, right?

I couldn't do it though. Not only to me, but to him as well.

As of today I was officially cutting my ties with Jasper, cutting the string that had been pulling us.

Even though I loved him I couldn't allow myself the pain of staying around him, especially now.

I had to figure out my life and he needed to figure out his.

It really was better this way.

At least I hoped so.

* * *

_Teaser for CH 25: Two words and I felt like I'd keel over from shock._

_"No," I shook my head, anger and hurt coursing through my veins. _

_"You're lying, you're fucking lying." But her facial expression told me everything I feared._

_This wasn't a lie._

_

* * *

_**And there you have it, all I got to say about that! **

**Please let me know what you think lovers, you know I'm addicted to your reviews. **


	24. Easier To Run

**AN: You all left me completely speechless last chapter, I can't even begin to tell you! **

**Sigh, well lovers...this is the _final _chapter of this twisted ass story. BUT don't freak out yet! There's another AN at the end of the chapter for you to read when you're done (or now, whatever strikes your fancy). **

**To my amazing girls and lovely Beta, you all make me smile when I need it most. **

**Usual stuff, I don't own...just fantasize too much that I do. **

**Enjoy!!**

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**Chapter 24: Easier to Run**

**Just washing it aside  
All of the helplessness inside  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
It's so much simpler than change  
It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Then face all this pain here all alone**

**Jasper**

'_Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.' I clutched her body tightly, my hands shaking her in a desperate attempt to revive her. _

_She didn't move._

'_Please God just give me this one and I'll never fuck up again.'_

_There was no response from her._

_God must be really testing me. _

'_I'll change, I'll motherfucking change!' _

_One final plea and yet, there was nothing. _

_Knowing I had lost I pulled her body away from me so I could take one last look at her. _

_Pulling back, I did a fucking double take when I saw the girl in front of me. _

_It wasn't my sister's lifeless body in my arms, but rather a thick head of mahogany hair. _

_Fucking hell, this was not happening. _

'_I'm…I'm sorry Bella. I never meant for it to go this far.'_

_I spoke, but she didn't answer. Instead, her head lolled to the side. Eyes closed and lips parted, she was fucking gone…_

"Fuck!" That final image of Bella shook me out of that horrible memory real quick.

I sat up in my bed, throwing off sheets and blankets in an attempt to cool down.

It didn't help. Glancing over at the alarm clock I wasn't too surprised to see that it was a little after seven in the morning.

In the weeks after Rosalie died I was constantly plagued by images of her final moments every single night, but after awhile I had somehow managed to repress those memories somewhere in the back of my mind.

I hadn't dreamt of the night my sister died in months, and I wasn't too sure as to why I was dreaming about it now? More importantly, why the fuck was I seeing Bella in my dreams too?

I think it would be rather obvious.

"Shit," I pulled my legs up towards my chest, resting my forearms on them. "I really fucked up."

_Well no shit Sherlock. I would've thought you realized that the day she almost fucking died._

No, no it was so much more than that now. I knew I had been acting like a complete asshole towards Bella, but something inside of me refused to treat her any other way.

Because, fuck, God only knows I didn't want to send her into another downward spiral. I was scared shitless that one wrong glance would cause her to snap.

So, somewhere in the inner workings of my fucked up mine, leaving her alone was the best thing to do for the both of us.

And the second she started spewing all that emotional shit at me, I knew I had made the right decision.

At least that's what I thought at first. Even though I didn't talk to her all that much it was still obvious that she was making an actual effort to turn her life around. Even if I didn't understand it I wasn't about to get in her way.

She didn't need someone like me getting in the way of her trying to achieve salvation.

As I continued to sit there I thought back to that damn nightmare and just what in God's name it meant.

_It shouldn't be that hard jackass. _

What, was I comparing Bella's almost dying to what happened to Rosalie? Was my mind somehow reminding me that everything I touched I destroyed?

Well, fuck, I didn't need to be reminded of that in a dream. I was very well aware of how badly I fucked up with them.

_Dig a little deeper Jasper, you're almost there. _

Staring straight ahead of me I thought back to every little moment Bella and I had since moving here. Everything from the game, to the sex, to finding her unconscious in the bathroom flashed before my eyes before it finally came crashing down on me.

"Well fuck," I ran my hands through my hair. "Rosalie. This all has to do with my sister?"

The night she died I begged God to give me a second chance and, if he somehow gave me back my sister, I would stop all the shit I was doing.

He didn't grant me that wish that night and ever since then it's been a fucking downward spiral.

Well, more like a god damn chain reaction.

I lost all faith and the ability to get emotionally attached to anyone the night she died.

If God could so viciously take away my sister without so much as giving me a second chance then how could I ever believe in Him again?

_You're a fucking idiot you know that? What's that saying? Oh, yes. God works in mysterious fucking ways my friend. _

"Mysterious ways," I snickered "what a bunch of bullshit."

If this dream was my subconscious' way of telling me that Bella was my second chance at making things right then I was more fucked than I thought.

Bella was nothing to me.

Well, she couldn't be _anything _to me that's for damn sure.

I might've made her life a living fucking hell these past few months, but I could at least give her this. She could hate me all she wanted. In fact I welcomed that hatred because I sure as hell deserved it, especially from her.

_Just like that? Everything that happened and you're just going to let her go?_

Let her go? She was never mine to begin with. What the fuck?

_She knows it. She sees something in you that not even you see anymore. Can't you see she wants to help you? If that's not a second shot at redemption then I don't know what is. _

Bella couldn't help me. Nobody could.

No, that ship sailed a long ass time ago.

_Well maybe if you stopped being a fucking selfish bastard for two seconds you would see that there's still time for you Jasper. If she can pull her life out of the fucking black hole then why can't you?_

"Because she's strong," I leaned my head back, rubbing my eyes in frustration. It was true. Bella had a strength that most people only dreamed of having. Sure she had her weaknesses, but who didn't? Just because I played on her weaknesses didn't mean I wasn't aware of her unyielding spirit.

I wasn't strong like she was. If anything I was fucking weak. I was the one who fed off the weaknesses of others just so I could always be one step ahead of everyone and not worry about being stepped on.

_Well way to hit it on the fucking head Jasper! There's your God damn answer. If you're weak and Bella is strong…she's what you need idiot! So you should get up off your ass and do something about it. _

As easy as that sounded I knew I couldn't. If I did that, went to Bella and told her how I had been wrong all this time, it would only make me sound like the biggest fucking hypocrite that ever lived.

And Bella didn't deserve to have her emotions toyed around with, not anymore.

_But you know if you even so much as hinted that you wanted her help she would drop everything to do it, right?_

Fuck that was just it! I didn't want her to drop everything for someone like me. I didn't want to be someone important in her life, didn't want her to focus her energy on me when she needed to make herself better.

No, things were better this way.

Weren't they?

_If you even have to ask, then you need a serious wake up call. _

"Fuck," I blew out a ragged breath, the truth becoming clearer with each passing second. "Would it really be that simple?"

Could I just fucking walk right up to her? What the hell would I tell her anyways? 'Hey Bella I need some fucking help. I know I screwed you over and practically broke you down, but I'd really fucking appreciate it if you'd be the one to help me?'

_Hey, she isn't going to be expecting perfection. She knows how fucked you are. Hell, strong or not, she's still fucked too. You won't know unless you go talk to her. _

"Right," I stood off the bed quickly, the haunting images of my nightmare quickly fading into the background as I tried to focus on the now.

I rummaged through the closet trying to find something to put on.

"This isn't a damn date." I scoffed at my own stupidity, yanking a white t-shirt and jeans out and pulling them on just as quickly.

Running a hand through my hair I slowly made my way towards the door, my body coming to a standstill when I placed my hand on the doorknob.

Was this really the best thing to be doing?

_Oh, just fucking man up and do it already! _

Ignoring the irritating feeling in the pit of my stomach I tried to focus only on what my subconscious had been trying to tell me all this time.

Those thoughts were enough to get me down the hall and knocking on Bella's door.

There was no answer, but I half expected that. Bella wasn't an early riser, even more so over the past few weeks. She was always taking naps in the middle of the day, or going to bed early.

Yea, I kept track of what she did sometimes.

Knowing if I didn't do this now I probably wouldn't have the balls to do it later, so I knocked one more time before just opening the bedroom door.

It swung open, an odd, eerie feeling creeping in my veins when it revealed an empty room.

And it wasn't just empty in the sense that Bella wasn't asleep in her bed.

No, it was empty…like fucking everything gone empty.

Her bed was made and the furniture was all in place, but that was about it.

There was no sign of Bella at all in this room.

Just as I was about to call myself fucking crazy I heard a soft gasp coming from behind me. Turning quickly, I came face to face with Esme; her eyes red and puffy.

"Sweetie what are you doing in here?"

"Where's Bella?"

My aunt's lips twisted slightly, almost as if she was keeping her words locked away.

"Honey maybe you should sit down?" She suggested, but I knew she was just trying to calm me and change the subject.

It wasn't working.

"Where," I took a deep breath "is she?"

Esme, whether tired from the pregnancy or what she was about to tell me, crossed the room and sat down on the edge of Bella's bed.

"Will you just tell me damn it?" I turned to face her, taking a few hesitant steps towards her.

Taking a deep breath of her own, she slowly met my gaze. "She's gone."

I took two steps back.

Two words and I felt like I was going to keel over from shock.

"No," I shook my head, anger and hurt coursing through my veins. "You're lying, you're fucking lying."

But her facial expression told me everything I feared.

This wasn't a lie.

"When did she leave?"

"This morning, she left this morning honey."

This morning, what the fuck? How could she just leave without saying goodbye to me?

_Can you blame her?_

"Why…why wouldn't she come tell me or something?" She could've told me she hated me for all I cared, but at least I would've been prepared for this shit.

My aunt stood up and I had a bad feeling as to what she was going to say next.

"She…she said it was better this way."

Fuck, I knew it!

"She left because of me didn't she?"

I saw something flicker in her eyes, almost to the point where she looked she was going to say one thing, but then changed her mind at the last minute.

"Bella just needs to figure some things out honey and she decided that she could no longer do that here."

Well way to fucking sugarcoat it. "She left because of me."

Esme's short nod was all the confirmation I needed. "Fuck, this is just motherfucking perfect."

She looked at me, confusion gracing her face. "What is it sweetie."

Right, she had no idea what I was about to come in here and ask Bella.

It didn't matter now, none of it fucking mattered.

"I'm sorry Jasper." She took a few more steps closer to me, her hand reaching out to touch my face gently. "I know this can't be easy for you, but please know that Bella doesn't hate you. She just…she just needs to get better Jasper. You need to get better too honey, that's all we want."

How would I ever get better now? The one person I had just realized could be the _only _one who could help me had just fucking moved out without so much as saying two words to me.

_Technically Bella didn't owe you anything after the way you treated her. _

All chance of help just waltzed right out of here like nothing, her silent disappearing act fueling anger so deep that I didn't know what to do with it.

More than anger though there was a sense of hurt so strong that coursed through my veins and it me feel like complete and utter shit.

_Well, I guess you waited too long after all. It was only a matter of time before she got tired off all these minds games. _

Fuck, if only she would've just waited one more day. Or hell, even just a few hours then maybe I could've gotten her to change her mind.

I'm not exactly sure what I would've told her, but I know that I would've tried my damndest.

I may have not wanted her help, but I sure as fuck needed it.

I needed that shit, I needed _Bella_ desperately.

_Guess you'll never know now. _

"Fucking hell," I stepped away from my aunt, her eyes flickering with confusion. I couldn't put into words what I was feeling. What would I tell her anyways? She couldn't possibly…

"You're going to miss her." It wasn't a question, but rather a statement.

Shit, she was right on the money with that one.

Do I lie to her, brush it off like I didn't give a fuck?

_Yea, I don't think she's going to fall for that. _

"Oh sweetie," my silence was enough confirmation for her. Shit was I really becoming that transparent?

"Oh sweetie what," I tried to mask every true emotion running through my body "it's nothing Esme, really."

She shook her head. "I knew this would happen." She murmured to herself.

She knew what would happen? "Is there something you aren't telling me?"

"No. I just…I knew that you two were lying about how you felt about the other."

"That's bullshit," I backed away from her, really not wanting to have this conversation right now. "I don't feel anything for her."

"Please," She almost looked amused "do _not _think for a second that your 'I don't give a shit attitude' is working on me right now young man."

I glared at my aunt, a woman so much shorter than me, but who was packing a pretty mean fucking punch right now.

"I don't know what you want me to do. She's gone, what can I do about it? I fucked up, I know I did. I guess I didn't realize just how much I fucked up when it came to her."

"If only you would've given her the chance."

"Yea, yea I'm fucking seeing that now alright? Damn it," I turned away from her, not wanting to deal with anymore of this shit a second longer. "This is it isn't it?"

Though I wasn't exactly elaborating on things, she still seemed to know what I was talking about.

"No honey it isn't it. I know Bella cares for you and…well maybe one day you two will be able to get past these differences and your addictions. I know it's not going to be easy, but I really hope you and Bella can work things out."

Well, fuck, when did Esme become so fucking observant about everything? Not only was she speaking the truth about me, but she was also aware of Bella's feelings as well.

Which, that shouldn't come as any surprise to me at all. Since coming back to the house Bella and Esme looked like they were becoming the best of fucking friends.

"Why does it even matter anymore? She's gone…and I doubt she'll be coming back."

"You don't know that." She was quick to answer. "You can't give up Jasper."

"I'm not giving up. There was never anything to begin with Esme." I tried to reason with her, but she wasn't letting up very easily. I could see it in her eyes.

Esme, I realized, was just as fucking relentless as I was.

Only her relentless spirit was for the greater cause while mine was for my own selfish wants and desires.

"Jasper," I felt a hand on my shoulder "It's going to be okay sweetie."

Her soft words and gentle gestures struck something deep inside of me, her genuine concern rendering me speechless for a few minutes.

With her hand still on me, her small and silent reassurance, I fucking caved.

I dropped all my defenses, my shoulders drooping as every emotion I had been trying to been to repress for the past few months coming to the surface all at once.

"I really want to fucking believe you Esme, I really do, but how can they be? How can they when all I did was hurt her, treat her like shit?"

"Honey," she came around to face me "I don't know what'll happen, but I do know that this isn't the end of it all. Bella is a forgiving girl, she just needs to find herself right now, get her head back on straight."

"And what am I supposed to do, wait?" Patience wasn't my strong suit, not by a long shot.

"Is she worth it?" She chose to answer my question with one of her own.

Well, fuck, I wasn't even sure.

My mind answered for me before I could even process it. "Yes, she's fucking worth it."

She smiled, both seemingly relieved and nervous. "That's very good to know Jasper. Now," She patted my arms "let's get you some breakfast okay?"

And just like that, even though I had just admitted something highly personal, she wasn't treating me any different.

I gave her a quick nod, following her out of Bella's now empty room, giving a quick glance behind me before shutting the door softly.

Yea, things have definitely fucking changed.

******

I didn't step foot in that room again for the following three weeks.

Things, regardless of how 'normal' they seemed, were anything but.

Sure I was more talkative with Esme and Carlisle, but it was only for my aunt.

It seemed like each day she was getting bigger, the child she was carrying becoming more of a reality each time I looked at her.

She was always talking about the baby and all the plans she had for when he or she finally arrived. The newest addition to their family would be here in only a few short months and I knew she was beyond thrilled at the thought of being a mother.

As much as I tried to placate her and just let her ramble on about all that baby shit, a part of me couldn't shake the feeling I had every time I looked at her.

They hadn't said anything, but I was almost certain they weren't going to want to bring a baby into this house while they still had a fucking addict living with them.

Granted I had been using less these days, but the temptation was always there to go further.

A house with a teetering addict was no home for a baby.

And I refused to have their child, my cousin, be subjected to that.

It just wasn't fucking fair.

So, when my parents called out of the blue one afternoon, I knew what had to be done.

Esme spoke to my mother first, the two of them talking about the baby and other random things. When I finally manned up and asked to speak with my own mother; Esme just gave me an understanding smile and handed me the phone.

It was almost as if she knew what I was about to do.

"Mom," I hedged hesitantly. I hadn't spoken to her in months so I didn't even know who she'd react to me speaking to her.

"Jasper, oh God sweetheart it's so good to hear you voice darling." My mother's words were rushed after a moment of silence. "Honey how are you?"

"Uh," I rubbed the back of my neck with my free hand "fucked up."

"Oh baby," she sighed, the sadness flowing through the receiver hitting me deeply. "Honey I'm so sorry. I… I thought that by sending you to live with Esme things would get better."

My mother, though I loved her, was blissfully ignorant sometimes.

"It's fine mom really, I… I actually wanted to ask you something."

"Yes?" Hope and hesitation edged in her voice.

"Do you think…well, I mean…fuck, can I come home?"

Her sharp intake of breath told me I had caught her completely off guard.

"Yes honey, yes of course you can! I've missed you terribly. In fact I was just telling your father that I wanted to come visit, but if you're coming home that's even better. When do you want to come sweetie?"

"Um," I glanced back at Esme, who simply nodded at me. "I guess tomorrow? Would that be okay?"

"Tomorrow," she practically shouted in my ear "oh dear that's beyond perfect! I will have your father make all the arrangements and I'll pick you up at the airport."

She continued to ramble, but after those two statements that was all I needed to hear.

I was going home.

Better yet, my mother actually wanted me back there.

Shit, that was way easier than I thought.

After she promised to call me back I set the phone down and walked over to my aunt, sitting beside her on the couch. "Are you pissed that I'm leaving?"

She shook her head, but her eyes were glistening with tears.

"No honey. If this is what you want then we can't stop you either. Just…can you promise me something?"

"What?"

"Can you promise me that you won't fall back into those old habits?"

I glared at her, giving her a knowing look. "I can't promise you that Esme."

She nodded. "Well can you at least try not to?"

"I'm going to really fucking try not to, but there's no guarantee." I didn't want to lie to her anymore. It would only hurt her if I did go back to my old ways once I was back at home.

And hurting Esme wasn't something I could handle right now.

"Well," she slipped an arm around my shoulders "I don't expect perfection from anyone, and if you're at least willing to try then I'll take it."

I shook my head, unable to really comprehend all of what was going on right now.

"Shall we start packing your things baby? You know your mom, she's bound to be calling back any second and she'll have you on the earliest flight out of here."

Exhaling slowly I stood with her, the two of us making my way towards my room.

I still couldn't believe that this had been so simple. My mother had agreed to let me come home without putting up one of her infamous bitch fits with me.

Did she really miss me that much?

Did she really want me to come home and start living with them again?

Had they forgotten that I had been a complete fuck up when I left and that I'd be returning the same way?

_Why the fuck do you care Jasper? Deal with that shit when you get home. _

Right, all that mattered right now was the fact that I was going home tomorrow.

_Home_, fuck I didn't even know what home was anymore.

It used to be a place where I lived with my sister and parents, but that all changed a long time ago.

Would things even be the same?

No, probably not.

Guess I was going to have to wait and find out.

******

It only took an hour or so to pack up every single thing I owned last night, leaving the rest of the day and evening to talk with my aunt and eventually her husband once he came home from work.

He seemed a little upset over it, but he didn't put up much of a fight.

After all, he didn't really have much say in the decisions I wanted to make.

And now here I was, at seven in the fucking morning, on my way to the god damn airport.

It was surreal, the idea of actually going home felt like a mere thought, more than actual reality.

Esme didn't say much on the drive up there, but she occasionally mentioned Bella when she did say something.

I was highly tempted to ask her about Bella. I knew they talked all the time. I wanted to know where she was and how she was fucking doing.

I wanted to know if her move had been worth it, or had she found some other addiction to drabble in now that she was living on her own?

I supposed I'd never know. Well at least not anytime soon.

I had a strong feeling that Bella wanted nothing to do with me and quite frankly that was a good thing in my book.

Was she worth it? Yes.

Was it going to be easy sitting around and thinking about her all the time? Hell fucking no.

She was all I thought about. It was like I was obsessed with her or some shit.

It wasn't until we reached the airport that I realized something. And I mean it really fucking hit me hard.

This wasn't hatred or obsession. No, I had true genuine feelings for this girl.

Of course I knew I cared about her more than I should, but this was taking it to a whole other fucking level.

These feelings, whatever you want to call them, went beyond all that.

_What, you love her?_

I don't know what the hell this shit was that I felt towards her.

I just know I didn't know how to handle it.

Shit, I was so glad I was going home.

The further away I was from Bella and everything that happened between the two of us the better.

I said a quick goodbye to Esme, not wanting to deal with more emotions, but she understood and just made me promise to call her when I got back home.

"I love you Jasper, you're still family and I just want you to get better."

"Thanks," I really didn't know what else to tell her. "If you talk to…well, if you fucking talk to her, tell her I hope she's doing well okay?"

"I will honey, I promise." She leaned in and kissed my cheek before stepping back. "Bye sweetie."

Without another word I turned from her, making my way towards my designated gate without so much as looking back.

Looking back would only remind me of everything that had happened over the past few months.

I didn't want to think about it anymore.

After the too- flirty security woman checked my bags and ticket, I felt like someone had just lifted something off my shoulders.

One down, and now all I had was just one more step and I was fucking free.

_Free from what? You're still a fucked up addict Jasper. Don't you forget that for a second, you aren't in the clear my friend. _

Well, fuck, I guess this carousel was only stopping for a few moments.

There was no stopping this time around.

As I went to wait for my flight, I couldn't stop my lips from twisting, a faint smile gracing my lips.

The scenery was about to change again, but not the fucking situation.

Bella could change all she wanted, but without her near me what the fuck did it matter?

Besides it was all I knew, I was good at it.

It was a fucking rush.

After all, once an addict always a fucking addict.

And I honestly don't think anything, not even Bella, could change that.

* * *

**Oh Jasper, you are soo fucked! Famous last words my friend, that's all I have to say. **

**Now that you've read the last chapter, it's time for me to get all sentimental on you amazing readers: **

**I can't even begin to tell you how humbled I am by all the attention that this story has received. I never, ever thought that this crazy idea I had about two fucked up kids would've led me to this point! But you all love them (or, love to hate them) and I am so happy, you don't even know! **

**Rest assured that this IS NOT the end of this story. There will be a Sequel (I'm already working on it) so this will not be the last time you hear from Jasper & Bella. They still have so much to experience and figure out...it's ridiculous! And of course, the sequel will have loads of angst, drama and all those twisted things you all have come to know & love. **

**All that being said...let me know what you thought about this final chapter & be sure to add me to your alerts & so forth so when then sequel comes out, you can get right on it!! LOL.**

**My lovers...damn I love you so much!!  
**


	25. SEQUEL

**Announcement:**

**The Sequel to Carosuel…._New Divide _has FINALLY been posted!**

**My addicts are back, go enjoy my loves!**


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